“so when last you had some dick in you jf?
you still paranoid from the last time…?”
i played it off,
but im still haunted by the last time i had sex.
I’ve been wanting to blog about it for a while,
but i was so embarrassed that i just kept silent.
maybe i felt id be judged,
but i’ve shared every aspect of my life thus far.
and the wtf so…
Why not talk about this?…
so i haven’t had sex in three years.
three long years.
i have fucked myself all over my crib,
but i miss having someone inside me.
the last time i had sex i think changed my life for the worst.
it all started one night on a horny night on a4a.
i met some 19-20 year old wolf who was up at 12am.
a little shorter than me,
a slim toned body,
and wanted to bone.
the sex was so/so.
he pulled his medium sized pipe out of me,
cleaned the nut off my ass,
went to the bathroom,
and left soon after.
when i was cleaning up,
i noticed the towel i laid on had blood on it.
i inspected myself and i was fine.
beside the usual pleasure pains,
nothing was out of wack.
so where did the blood come from?
we used a condom,
but he was complaining i was too tight.
he kept asking to take it off and go raw.
he kept on pressuring me to do it.
“are you crazy?!”
i nearly reached around to punch his ass.
there was a moment when he pulled out for a minute and then stuck it back in.
did he pull the condom off on the low?
did it break and he not tell me?
wait… was he bleeding?
i tried to call him and no answer.
i started getting paranoid soon after.
i suffered from the “do i have it?” jedi mind tricks.
“god i have it!”
“god i have it!”
my eye lash fell off.
“god i have it!”
NEVER GO ON WEBMD TO LOOK UP SYMPTOMS.
i started becoming really depressed and losing weight.
people were noticing i was losing weight too.
that didn’t help because everything i equated to having “it”.
i remember calling star fox about it,
damn near crying.
he reassured me to go to get tested immediately.
the fear of them saying i was positive had me so shook.
i told someone else i was really close to at the time and he said:
“if you found out you have hiv.
i mean its not a big deal.
there is medicine for it and it may start a new life for you.
you’ll live feeling more adventurous.”
needless to say he got cut out my life.
i dragged myself to the free clinic and got tested.
but i also knew it took 3 months for the virus to actually show up.
more weight loss.
more “sigh i think have it”.
more regret and sadness.
i went through the most emotional torture i ever felt in my life.
what if i had it?
i don’t even know his name.
he erased his profile soon after.
did he spitefully give me something?
how was i going to blog about this?
it was just all bad for jamari fox at that time.
well i waited 6 months to get tested again.
i got tested 3 months after that.
i don’t know what happened on his end,
but i was fine.
i think the fear of “having it” makes you scared,
especially if the other person was sketchy about it.
ive had one nighters that had happier endings.
wolves on chat sites want to bang first and act questions later.
they get all offended when you ask them about their status.
people will give you something you can never cure and not give a fuck.
” jamari aint got no time for that”.
in the back of my mind,
i still keep thinking about that incident.
“the time fear nearly drove me crazy”.
even tho i want to go out there and be wild,
i know that i have to be cautious.
i’m embarrassed enough admitting i have been celibate for so long.
i’m open to great love and even greater lovers,
buuuuuuuut i don’t want to experience that situation again.
so i had to ask…