Fear Had Me Thinking I Had HIV

tumblr_lqe2ofmXMH1qc0cxpfear can have you about to lose your mind.
so last night after scandal,
i was talking to my cousin hybrid and he asked:

“so when last you had some dick in you jf?
you still paranoid from the last time…?”

i played it off,
but im still haunted by the last time i had sex.
I’ve been wanting to blog about it for a while,
but i was so embarrassed that i just kept silent.
maybe i felt id be judged,
but i’ve shared every aspect of my life thus far.
the good,
the bad,
and the wtf so…

Why not talk about this?…

so i haven’t had sex in three years.
three long years.
i have fucked myself all over my crib,
but i miss having someone inside me.
the last time i had sex i think changed my life for the worst.
it all started one night on a horny night on a4a.
i met some 19-20 year old wolf who was up at 12am.
brown skin,
a little shorter than me,
  a slim toned body,
and wanted to bone.
the sex was so/so.
he pulled his medium sized pipe out of me,
cleaned the nut off my ass,
went to the bathroom,
and left soon after.
when i was cleaning up,
i noticed the towel i laid on had blood on it.
i inspected myself and i was fine.
beside the usual pleasure pains,
nothing was out of wack.
so where did the blood come from?
we used a condom,
but he was complaining i was too tight.
he kept asking to take it off and go raw.
he kept on pressuring me to do it.


“are you crazy?!”

i nearly reached around to punch his ass.
there was a moment when he pulled out for a minute and then stuck it back in.
did he pull the condom off on the low?
did it break and he not tell me?
wait… was he bleeding?
i tried to call him and no answer.

i started getting paranoid soon after.
i suffered from the “do i have it?” jedi mind tricks.
“god i have it!”
“god i have it!”
my eye lash fell off.
“god i have it!”
i started becoming really depressed and losing weight.
people were noticing i was losing weight too.
that didn’t help because everything i equated to having “it”.
i remember calling star fox about it,
damn near crying.
he reassured me to go to get tested immediately.
the fear of them saying i was positive had me so shook.
i told someone else i was really close to at the time and he said:

“if you found out you have hiv.
so what?
i mean its not a big deal.
there is medicine for it and it may start a new life for you.
you’ll live feeling more adventurous.”

needless to say he got cut out my life.
i dragged myself to the free clinic and got tested.
i exhaled,
but i also knew it took 3 months for the virus to actually show up.
more paranoia.
more weight loss.
more “sigh i think have it”.
more regret and sadness.
i went through the most emotional torture i ever felt in my life.
what if i had it?
i don’t even know his name.
he erased his profile soon after.
did he spitefully give me something?
how was i going to blog about this?
it was just all bad for jamari fox at that time.

raining_david_tennant_nosedripwell i waited 6 months to get tested again.
double negative.
i got tested 3 months after that.
triple negative.
i don’t know what happened on his end,
but i was fine.
i think the fear of “having it” makes you scared,
especially if the other person was sketchy about it.
ive had one nighters that had happier endings.
wolves on chat sites want to bang first and act questions later.
they get all offended when you ask them about their status.
people will give you something you can never cure and not give a fuck.
” jamari aint got no time for that”.
in the back of my mind,
i still keep thinking about that incident.
“the time fear nearly drove me crazy”.
even tho i want to go out there and be wild,
i know that i have to be cautious.
i’m embarrassed enough admitting i have been celibate for so long.
i’m open to great love and even greater lovers,
buuuuuuuut i don’t want to experience that situation again.
so i had to ask…

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

22 thoughts on “Fear Had Me Thinking I Had HIV

  1. No, you’re not wrong. Ive always been careful with whom I gave myself to, but I was infected on my birthday in 2010. I knew the person that infected me for about 3 years…anywho, I noticed my body was behaving weird toward the end of the year. I kept going to the Dr and getting tested, but they couldnt find anything. Then December 31, 2010 everything was confirmed. The crazy thing is, after we had sex, he became distant. Blocked me on all social media, ignored phone calls/texts, ect. Like you I paniced. Needless to say, I had one sexual encounter after that and it didn’t help with the trust issues I developed from the last situation. As a result I didnt have sex for 3 years…in December of 2013 I had sex with someone I had known for 10+ years. He knew my status and I knew his. It was a relief that he wasnt afraid of me. I was so scared. So often HIV+ people are judged/labelled. You would be suprised to know how many innocent people are affected/infected. Im still working through trust issues, but Im better than I was. Im glad you’re better too!

  2. This really brought back memories for me. I can totally relate to this. I am in avid reader of the site J, and want to thank you for being up front, open, and honest.

    1. ^hey lurker!
      i appreciate the compliments and thank you for tuning in to my site!
      i wanted to bring my truth to this.
      if my past, present, and future could help or inspire someone,
      then that’s why I do what I do!

      thanks to everyone who shared as well.

  3. I have had the great misfortune of seeing two really close people to me die from HIV/AIDS and to say I am paranoid is an understatement. I have never bottom before, and have not had penetrative anal sex in over 3 years almost celibate, but every year when I take my HIV test, Im nervous, and cant eat or sleep. Its almost like sometimes, I feel I am going to get it for just being gay or sleeping with men. Our brains and psyche can do a number on our head. Its so funny seeing that you are not alone in your thinking and how we all have this fear and paranoia even when we haven’t really been engaging in high risk factors. I just got to where I could watch raw porn, and in the back of my mind, I still think all raw porn performers are positive. Its sad but the reality of it is, I can never really trust a man because of HIV and I cant see myself even having raw sex, even in a fully committed trusting relationship, the condom message has stuck heavy in my brain

  4. Wow J. Thanks for opening up to us like that. That’s why this site is so great. It allows us to realize that we are not alone in our experiences. Yes there are some assholes out there but shut yourself down is not the answer. Loosing out on love & great pipe is giving these assholes power they don’t deserve. Knowledge is power. So protect yourselves at all times & keep yourself open to that great wolf (or fox) that is searching for u.

  5. I never had a HIV scars but I had a herp scare. Found out it was a hemriod and got some perpetration H. But the though of having a std had me scared to death. As far as the sex goes…. God made people who make flesh lights and dildos for a reason

  6. I haven’t had sex for 5 yrs now and probably still counting. I know the feeling of wanting a man inside of you, but the guys in this town where I live help me stay celibate because they are so ugly looking and their meat is not impressive. But I had an HIV scare too when I went to some blood work on May. I was praying to God to let me be HIV -. I got the phone call and it was the nurse, she told me I was healthy as a horse. I was really grateful.

    1. Damn your reasoning for being celibate is harsh Lindo. I find it hard to believe all the men in your town are ugly or have small pipes. Nah.

      1. I live in a white town and I don’t find white guys attractive at all. I gave it my best to have sex with them. There was absolutely nothing and they kept hurting my asshole because it felt like someone was poking me with their finger which piss me off and after 1 -2 minute it quitting time for them. That why it very easy for me to stay celibate. Don’t get wrong I know there some snow wolves that are probably good in bed, but it a hell no for me after what I experience and please don’t get me started with the love relationship with them.

        Let me put it this way boring Black/Latino men are perfect for White men.

  7. It seems that taking off the condom sureptitiously mid-sex is all too common a happening. You should know about PEP and PrEP. PEP is Post Exposure Prophylaxis: This is when you take some HIV retroviral (or is is anti-retroviral?) medication for 28 days when you may have been exposed to HIV (for example, the condom breaks). But you must start the first drug treatment within 72 hours of exposure or it may be ineffective. This will likely keep you from becoming HIV positive. PrEP is Pre Exposure Prophylaxis: This is when you take a daily dose of HIV retroviral (or is is anti-retroviral?) medication every day long term so that if you are exposed to HIV, you should not become HIV positive. PrEP is usually used by people who have repeated sexual contact with those who are HIV positive (married or in a relationship). If you are a sexually active person, you should know about PEP and PrEP. Google them and talk to the health clinic or your doctor about them. Knowledge is power.

  8. No. I’ve worried about having it just by drinking after people, yeah I know that’s stupid. Maybe I’m a bit paranoid. Here is the deal, I don’t want anything that can’t be cured. That goes for herpes, genital warts(yuck), none of that. That’s scary. Having HIV may not be the death sentence like it used to be, but it kills you mentally, and people don’t understand that. Imagine how hard it will be to find true love? People not wanting to be around you and shit? I couldn’t live like that. It is a serious thing. What happens if you are poz and get cancer or something in the future? Will you be able to receive chemo? Old age is going to hit all of us, and we all will be at risk for diseases in general. That’s why I am careful, and don’t want anything I can prevent myself from catching. Keeping your body count low helps too, and I am a true believer in condoms. I ain’t bragging, but I am glad I don’t ever have to worry about a nigga taking off the condom. I control that shit.

    My body is my temple. I try my hardest to keep it healthy and take care of it.

  9. There’s no reason to feel scared of being judged here. That’s done bad for him to do that. I think anyone who has had a one night stand had some type of fear about something.

    1. ^thanks ty.
      the shame with me was trying to be perfect.
      trying to be like everyone else who has these perfect sex lives.
      i haven’t had sex in three years and that’s “uncool” in the lifestyle.
      i’m not perfect and that’s what makes this site what it is.
      im human and i want to show people that i have problems and been in situations.
      maybe talking about them will lead to solutions and advice.
      we all help each other in the foxhole!

      1. And that’s what I love about this site!
        Nobody is meant to be perfect (I’m still working on that myself).
        When you do start having sex again, I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait. Just promise us you won’t get dickmatized please. lol

  10. There’s nothing wrong with being careful and a little afraid…hell being precautious keeps you healthy…i had a situation like this a few years ago with a guy i was fooling around with named Justin when i attended USC…Justin was a DL brotha 6’2, about 200lbs chocolate complexion, full lips, nice body & smile, athlete and a dick that was crafted from the GODS lol *anywho* Justin was one of those ‘get in the heat of the moment and ask can he take the condom off guys* and i told him repeatedly no we can’t take it off so we changed positions from doggy style and got into his favorite position, with me on my stomach and he started going in deeper and i could hear how wet i was becoming but that was normal when we had sex…afterwards when he was done he went to the bathroom to flush the condom (or so i thought) and i was so drained after our session i just laid there in the bed and he came up kissed me on my lips and said goodnight and let himself out of my place….so i went to use the restroom 20 mins later to pee & i stuck my finger in my ass because it felt like something was extra sticky and seen how wet it was but it had the smell of cum also..so in that moment it registered in my mind that he must’ve pulled the condom off and came inside of me…However when i called him the convo went like this

    “Justin why am i wet like this did you cum inside of me” i asked
    He got quiet and then he said “Bae the condom broke”
    and i responded “And you knew this and you kept going without telling me?”
    Then he said something that made me skin crawl because it showed he didn’t care about my health or his because honestly he didnt know if i was clean or not he didn’t ask

    “Man listen that shit was too good i wasn’t stopping until i got my nut off and i’m clean anyway chill STOP bitching” he replied. so needless to say after that i cussed him out, and stop talking to him . i was celibate for almost a year after that. and from that day on, even now I check frequently during sex to make sure it’s still on and the last brotha i was involved with asked could he take the condom off also…men get so into the moment in regards to pleasure they forget about risks….and i get checked regularly to ensure that i’m clean…but in todays society idk SN: I’m celibate now and my little three months of celibacy doesnt compare to your three years!!! you’re my hero thanks for this entry!!!!

    1. ^thanks m!
      i want to feel comfortable and know someone else has my best sexual interest at heart.
      i remember nearly wanting to break down as I was waiting for the results.
      never again.
      that’s the shit wolves do that pisses me off tho.
      like that’s not romantic or funny.
      i would have cussed him the fuck out LOLOLOL
      that shit is terrifying especially when diseases are so rampant out here.
      im glad you are safe and it wasn’t anything to harm you forever.

      1. thanks me too because i know a female who died of AIDS she caught it from her boyfriend who indulged in drugs that involving being injected by the veins, so i’m assuming he came across a dirty needle, according to her mother…anywho rashawn was a sweetheart didnt bother no one she was around her mid to late 30’s when she died back in 2011..meanwhile his old trifling ass is still here…so i feel you about the celibate thing i’m waiting until i can find the right person for my body and my heart…

    2. Damn guys be really dogging you guys out. This is disappointing. I kinda see why some of you feel the way you do about us Wolves, but all of us aren’t alike.

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