“have you heard from mi?”

“nope.”

“do you know where she is?”

“nope.”

“jamari!”

that was a text convo between a friend and i this afternoon.
she was asking me what’s happening with mi.
i honestly don’t know.
i don’t particularly care either way.
i was more concerned with what i was eating for lunch.
well she went in on how it’s not nice that i’m not concerned.
so wait…

i let this young vixen in my home with access to all my things.
she had a roof over her head,
was able to watch cable whenever she wanted,
could go on my wifi,
ate my food,
and fucked that all up by treating me like shit and disrespecting my home…

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…and i’m supposed to be chasing behind her,
trying to find out if she is okay?
at least when pose asked me the same question yesterday,
and i gave her the same answer,
she completely understood and didn’t judge me for it.
i don’t care if i’m judged for my actions…
anymore.

i have spent my entire life trying to fit into someone else’s idea.
after my parent’s died,
i tried to achieve the life of the attentionisto.
i learned that fleeting once you stop playing by the rules.
when it came to looking for a wolf,
i tried to be what i thought a wolf would want.
i learned that dumbing myself down made me feel like a blank page.
when it came to jobs,
i tried to prove that i was a good worker.
now i didn’t back stab or throw others under the bus,
but i did work harder.
well i learned none of that matters because you are still replaceable.
it could be because of skin color or they simply stopped liking you.
i tried to do things so i wasn’t talked about and placed my value on other’s opinions.
i cared way too much what everyone thought of me.
well i learned one important thing:

You don’t like or respect genuine animals

now i could be talking to you.
i could be talking to someone else.
when someone is 100% genuine with their actions,
shows you love,
and gives a fuck about you,
then that is absolutely fuckin’ weird.
everyone is so used to being fucked over that they can’t believe anything else.
you place all your bitterness and anger onto them.
you slowly chip away at their motives until there is nothing left.
as soon as that’s done,
you destroy and turn them into everyone else.
lord knows we have too much of that walking around.

so now i don’t care anymore.
now i’m focused on living a life where i live for me.
it’s peaceful and stress free.
i don’t care if:

it fits into someone’s mold of what i should be
  my decisions are wrong or right

i’m slowly starting to feel comfortable in my own fur.
i never felt this way before and i can honestly say i love it.
my recent depression took me straight the bottom and now i’m here.
cheesy,
i know.

so no,
i don’t know what’s happening with mi,
but i do know what’s happening with me.
i’m getting better.