these last few months,
even going back into 2019,
i have been seeking validation from outside sources.
it was going good for a while,
but as of late,
things started to dwindle.
when that started happening,
i started blaming myself and feeling less than.
comparison is usually the thief of joy and i was robbed blind.
this is what i spoke to with my cousin hybrid this morning…
i’ve felt like i’ve been thrown away.
there has been this intense feeling of loneliness around me.
there was this sudden shift where things have drastically changed.
i didn’t feel complete.
something was missing.
when i looked around,
it felt like many others have abandoned me as well.
i was feeling lost when it came to my life.
my career goals feel like they’re at a standstill.
i kept blaming myself for all that has been happening.
all this talk of a coronavirus and recession didn’t help either.
its like the devil wanted me to succeed in feeling the way i did.
maybe it’s the mercury retrograde?
maybe i’m in a valley?
maybe this is what happens before the blessings pour down?
i don’t know,
but it wasn’t until i spoke to karaoke just now and she said:
“It feels like you are looking for validation from outside sources.”
that’s when i felt the slap.
it was hard,
but it was the truth.
i was seeking validation from everyone but myself.
my happiness didn’t lie within me anymore,
but it was in the paws of others around me.
those i wanted to impress or desperately wanted their attention.
silly silly me.
How do you go back to being your own source of happiness again?
what does that look like?