desperately seeking jamari

these last few months,
even going back into 2019,
i have been seeking validation from outside sources.
it was going good for a while,
but as of late,
things started to dwindle.
when that started happening,
i started blaming myself and feeling less than.
comparison is usually the thief of joy and i was robbed blind.
this is what i spoke to with my cousin hybrid this morning…

i’ve felt like i’ve been thrown away.
there has been this intense feeling of loneliness around me.
there was this sudden shift where things have drastically changed.
i didn’t feel complete.
something was missing.
when i looked around,
it felt like many others have abandoned me as well.
i was feeling lost when it came to my life.
my career goals feel like they’re at a standstill.
i kept blaming myself for all that has been happening.
all this talk of a coronavirus and recession didn’t help either.
its like the devil wanted me to succeed in feeling the way i did.

maybe it’s the mercury retrograde?
maybe i’m in a valley?
maybe this is what happens before the blessings pour down?

i don’t know,
but it wasn’t until i spoke to karaoke just now and she said:

“It feels like you are looking for validation from outside sources.”

that’s when i felt the slap.
it was hard,
it hurt,
but it was the truth.
i was seeking validation from everyone but myself.
my happiness didn’t lie within me anymore,
but it was in the paws of others around me.
those i wanted to impress or desperately wanted their attention.
silly silly me.

How do you go back to being your own source of happiness again?

what does that look like?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

3 thoughts on “desperately seeking jamari”

  1. Damn I felt this entry real heavy J. I am trying so hard, 2020 is already coming at me crazy and its just March. I realize that I am going to have to be selfish and only concentrate on me if I am to keep my sanity, I am tired of thinking and rescuing others when I am hot ass mess my own damn self. I am telling everybody to suck it up buttercup, figure it out like I did. I had two people who I considered friends left me hanging with payback on some help I gave them, leaving me to scramble and have to ask someone for help. Never again. Beyonce said it best-Me, Myself and I is all I got in the end. I am going to start putting me first even if means being a Ass to others.

    1. ^there has been some tough years,
      but energetically,
      2020 is on some other shit.

      i’ve been trying to get into meditation more because i feel i’ve under spiritual attack as of late.
      sending you good vibes love.
      i hope you will rise above it all for a better end.

  2. Tajan and Jamari I’m totally feeling you guys right now. Growing up I never (and I mean never) had any male attention and now I feel myself craving and needing validation from men and if I don’t get it, (which I don’t) i slip into depression and kinda of just stay and linger there. I’m really thinking of speaking to a therapist because I’m realizing I have some serious issues.

    Like Tajan I also lost a good friend, but for me it was due to my depression and not having the energy to be in constant communication with anyone at the time. I’m lost af rn. Stay strong brothers.

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