ya know,
life has a way of showing you that even tho you maybe the underdog,the underdog is still aight.
so i was watching an episode of “power” yesterday,
catching up on what ive missed…
…and lord knows ive missed like the last 3 episodes.
anyway in the episode,
the latina vixen was speaking her heart to omari hardwick’s character.
she was saying there are people in life who get handed everything.
that while their life is easier,
she had to work hard for everything she wanted.
she didn’t have the luxury of someone paying her rent or buying her diamonds.
boy did i relate.
i think i even thought about it while slaving over some hot paperwork yesterday.
boss breathing down my back as i tried to get that deadline finished.
this weekend,
i have a wonderful 150 in my checking account.
savings account down to like 20 bucks.
hey i can be honest with my people.
no need in lying.
between rent,
bills,
paying off my credit card,
and having to go into my savings to fix something that broke in my apartment…
its definitely a “chill in the crib” until i get my next pay check.
while i was watching the episode,
i started to cry.
i had to pause it because i related to whats she was saying heavy.
i look around and it seems everyone is living “the good life”.
everyone is out spendin’; getting someone to spend on them.
people don’t understand what its like to be me.
been a lone fox for a long time.
no one to really depend on.
no parents to call for help or even talk with.
friends like star fox to be there.
ever since he died,
i look through my phone and its like a desert.
no other gay male i could relate to and trust.
i often wish my life was easier,
like a “draya” or some white supreme gold digger,
but right now it isn’t.
want to know what i learned tho?
i learned that even tho i been through so much,
i am very tough.
i come on here and lay my demons,
but in real life,
i have been taught to be very resourceful.
i also learned to walk away without having to look back.
losing people i genuinely loved taught me that.
when people get things handed to them so easily,
they can be taken away just the same.
i don’t have to depend on a wolf to help me every month.
i don’t have to obey.
suck his dick on command.
i have the ability to act a donkey,
break all his shit,
and go home to my crib.
have him come over to my spot for the make up sex.
this is the key ingredient in being a fox.
a fox loves the glamorous life,
a fox even loves glamorous wolves,
but a fox also got “his own”.
he sees and appreciates it.
if you meet someone and he wants to spoil you,
then go right ahead.
you would be a fool not to.
you deserve it.
always make sure that at the end of it,
when he fucks up,
you still have “yours”.
no quitting your job
no moving into his crib
no depending on his drugs
no selling your soul so you can survive
none of that.
you have your own:
income
situation
escape plan
the idea is that when you get with a wolf,
you take him to a higher level.
you are a movement by yourself,
but you are a force when you are both together.
it maybe lonely now,
but things could definitely change within a year.
i’m holding onto that hope.
can i get an amen?
Amen bc believe me I have been there! I just always thank God bc it could be much worse and He always looks out for me! Praying for you boo. Love you like a brother and I’ve never met ya. I just feel like I know you through these posts!!
AMEN!
Amen but why people always think they are the only one and no one understand them? Like bitch, ummmmmm, I am suffering too. I have 0 dollarz in my account and college bills, plus loans. And the only family I have is my mom who just like you. But can I be real for a moment? I hate going on facebook and other social media because I always feel some type of way when I see people posting trips and their boyfriends which is a reminder of boring, poor, and lonely my life is.
AMEN to the 10th power! Love everything about this post.
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings man. So many of us want to really just get out there and enjoy life without worrying about how were gonna take care of that man named Bill who loves to show up several times demanding to be taken care of. Many of your supporters have given you great advice that I will be taking for myself.
Just wanted to say hang in there my brutha…I gotta believe that there is a purpose for this time. Try to be thankful for the journey and KNOW that it will get better.
I hope you stay strong Jamari! Your blog has helped me out a lot!
You’re always crying. I wish I could give you a hug.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
If you can walk past a hospital, you’re blessed. If you can walk past a graveyard, you’re blessed. Why? Because those in the hospital cannot walk past it and those in the graveyard cannot walk past it.
It’s a good day to be alive. Why? Because the alternative is death.
Those who complain about having a job that they hate should be reminded that there are many would would “love” to have a job that they hate because now they have no job at all.
Jamari, in terms of your condition, I suggest to you as I suggest to all young people that they get a “trained brain”. By that I mean that they get and education and apply that education in a skilled or professional level occupation or job–such as doctor, attorney, plumber, coder, mortician, engineer, accountant, etc. Skilled or professional level training is often the way to high wages as an employee and/or high earnings as and independent contractor or entrepreneur or business owner. And the training is typically formal training for a few years. How about that route for you, Jamari?
You’re the only person that seems to understand exactly what I’m enduring at the moment.
Everyone seems to be taking trips to nice places on a whim and just enjoying life and I’m stuck working a job that I hate and stresses me to the max.
I do still have my parents to lean on if I have to, but I’ve never been the type of person that likes relying on anyone for anything. They are an absolute last resort.
Everyone says I’m still blessed because many people have it much worse and I get it, but does that mean I’m supposed to be content?
For the first time in my life I have no idea where I’m going, no real concrete plan of action, and no idea where I’ll be in the next 5 years and it’s scared me to the point my family was advised to put me in the hospital because I was acting like I had a death wish.
Life is hard in ways you can’t even fathom until it hits you like a freight train.
^OMG 110!!!!!!!!
put you in the hospital tho jay?
that is serious.
Listen life is hard,
but you have to take those moments to really sit and think.
really figure out what you want.
these moments of loneliness are where you spend time figuring yourself out.
no sex.
no clubbing.
your weekends you have to seriously recharge.
the crazy thing with people is they base who you are on where you go.
i’ve learned these mixxy folks are worse off.
they have the world of social media to impress.
imagine being depressed and still having to keep up appearances?
not fun.
appreciate the beauty in when life hits you.
it isn’t how you fall; it’s how you get back up.
Hold up did you say pay off credit card bills?
I thought you just got one? What happened to only small little charges that don’t matter? Don’t ruin your life boy.
You should be content bro. No matter how hard you think you may have it, there is always someone going through worse than you. I’ve met people on food stamps, who do not even know where their next meal is going to come from. I’ve met people hopping from house to house who are panicking and know they need to find a way to make a better life for themselves, the list goes on. When my mother passed, I remember asking God why? The timing wasn’t right for me. Now that I look back, it makes sense to me now. She died in order for me to live. I never imagined myself going to school in the city, it just wasn’t an option, and I never thought I had the strength to live on my own away for family for months at a time, but I’m doing it, and I have more opportunities at my finger tips now and possibly in the future. My message to you is this, if you do not know where you are going in the next five years, take it one day at a time, your future will become clear over time. Life is what you make it. You still hold the keys to what lies ahead. Yea, you may hate the current job you have, but so many people in the world do. However, they make the best of it. They invest in themselves financially in case of hard times, weight their options, and search for new opportunities.
Deep post, love this man. I am all about hard work. You have to be dedicated, and your mindset had to be in order. That is where it starts.
Amen! Preach brother J,preach!