hi.
you don’t know me,
but my name is jamari fox.
it’s a pleasure to meet ya.
you are probably reading this because you lost someone who took their own life.
i want you to know that i’m very sorry for your loss.
so let me reassure you of something…
You did everything you could
i know those are the thoughts that are going through your mind.
“Did I do enough to help them?”
unfortunately,
there is not much you could have done to “save” them.
you could have taken them to disney world,
rode space mountain back to back,
and tour the entire park twice in one day.
once that “high” came down,
the demons would have crept back.
the ones that telling them they weren’t worthy enough,
strong enough,
and simply just wasn’t enough.
How do I know?
i’ve battled depression and anxiety throughout my entire life.
i have tried to take my life many times before.
i had a breakdown in march 2020 and i urged myself to get professional help.
i couldn’t burden my friends any longer with what i deal with mentally.
everyone that has ever been in my life knows about my struggles.
i’ve been very transparent about them on this website.
even though i have many things to be grateful for,
the pain someone who is struggling often overrides all of that.
you know how many highs i’ve had,
only to back in a dark place once i was alone?
many people who are suffering find solace in being alone.
sure,
we like to go out and have a good time,
but it can take one thing to trigger us.
some can easily let it pass,
but many others end up losing their will to fight.
so while you’re mourning,
try to understand that you did enough.
this was not your cross to bear.
your person’s pain was stronger than anything you could do.
some of us are simply dealt a bad hand in life.
those bad hands become ingrained in our dna.
unless we choose to get help,
it will be a continuous cycle until we reach our rock bottom.
you will move forward from this.
you have your own life and issues to deal with.
someone who suffers with mental illness can be a lot of energy.
don’t beat yourself up with the coulda,
woulda,
and shoulda.
you did enough.
to my family,
friends,
and the foxhole…
if one day i ever lose my battle and decide to take my own life,
i want you to remember that i know that you did enough.
i just couldn’t fight this battle any longer and wanted out.
love you.
This is why I always get nervous around the protest gun talk in the black community. We don’t talk about mental health enough and often stigmatize it. I’ve suffered from social anxiety probably since I was 13. It’s funny that people assume that I “fake” a high pitch voice because I’m fem. Heck for the longest time I bought into that. It wasn’t until I was in my mid twenties that I realized my high pitched voice was because I was anxious. I’ve also suffered from depression and twice had suicidal thoughts. It’s made me realize how quick you can go from smiling in someone’s face to blowing your brains out. If I had a gun during those times I would not be here today. I’m not anti gun. However we have to have a holistic conversations about guns. They aren’t for everyone. Being prone to depression doesn’t make you weak or messed up like many blacks will have you believe. I personally will never own a gun and never date a gun owner because of my tendency towards depression. I’m not saying no one should own a gun. We really need to discuss gun ownership and suicide and give people space to say gun ownership isn’t for me and that doesn’t make me less than.