i legit embarrassed myself today.
even though i was with one of my amazing friends,
i don’t think i’m ready to be “out there” yet.
hunter hit me up and asked me what i was doing today.
he hasn’t seen me in a minute so we went to lunch.
carmines.
i told him i wanted pasta.
we were having a great time and conversation when…
Anxiety struck.
hard.
we started talking about things that ended up raising my anxiety.
i had this urge to throw up all my food.
all of this food:
since i’ve been in the crib,
i’ve saved all those vulnerable moments between my toilet and i.
I ended up throwing up in his car.
in a bag,
of course.
i can’t afford to be doing anyone’s car cleaning atm.
from the ride back to my spot,
i could not get my mind in order.
even though he told me that he doesn’t care,
there is a side of me that felt like he did.
it could be my insecurities talking.
Is this my new life?
one filled with anxiety?
what’s gonna happen when my other friends wanna chill?
foxholers who want to meet?
when i meet rihanna or issa rae?
or worse…
When I meet that (baller) wolf who wants to get up?
this cannot be my new life.
this was me,
being silly,
before anxiety struck:
lowkey: i don’t think i’m ready to be back out there yet.
Take your time but continue to go out. Remember our routine are all forms of learned behavior. So because of the Pandemic we have to learn those behaviors and habits again. While removing the bad habits we’ve picked up. You’re not alone. It’ll take time but gradually you’ll get there. With me I’m the opposite now I can’t stay inside. My spirit is like no Malcolm were going outside today.
Chh, I hate just getting on Zoom. I look like a walrus and it’s not giving what I used to gave.
Your not alone. I forgot how to be me. Here are two personal AFFIRMATIONS that I literally printed and taped to my bedroom wall , saved as a Screensaver on my Laptop and phone wallpaper. I also repeat them in my head:
1 ) "RELAX! YOU HAVE DONE THIS ALL BEFORE"2 ) "GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY"
Jamari, I promise you these work and help me overcome Covid Lock Down Anxiety .
Take it slow. There is no race and your real friends will understand.