Graphic – Yuri Shwedoff

“Demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called.” – Rémy de Gourmont

i’m learning to train my inner demons to be more obedient.
so i learned something valuable in therapy today.
i wanted to share it with the foxhole.
someone else needed to hear it…

growing up,
those who raised me contributed in who i am today.
i was the receptacle for their trash.
they made me question,
blame,
hurt,
and consistently destroy who and what i am.
the fears of being gay.
the fears of others finding out i was gay.
many of the things i was taught that haven’t worked at all.
i mentioned a recent incident that had me responding in my inner talk:

“I don’t know what I did wrong?”

he caught me saying out loud.
rather than asking what i did wrong,
i needed to say:

“They seem to have a problem and that is not my problem.”

“In therapy,
we don’t get rid of the things that hurt you,
but instead,
we hep you work with the things that have hurt you.
some of these things are in your DNA.
instead of lookin’ at them as the bullies in your life,
change the perspective and try to make friends with them.” – my therapist

i thought that was very deep and thought provoking.
i’ve been trying to fight or not acknowledge all the things that have hurt me,
but i’m realizing that has been causing even more resistance and stagnation.
the things i was abused with are a part of me.
my homework this week is to acknowledge self-destructive patterns.
“what did i do wrong?” is one sentence in my head that i need to put in check.
he sent me a poem i wanted to share with the foxhole.
it’s from a poet named rumi and it’s called “the guest house“:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

cc: all poetry