i said i wasn’t going to write today.
i was going to do it tomorrow,
but something told me to do this entry this evening..
i had a breakdown today.
one that i feel is the start of my new life.
i cried,
and cried,
and cried.
i must have cried for 3 hours straight.
i was crying when i wrote that message this morning.
my straight wolf friend had to rescue me and im so grateful for him.
i ended up taking 5 benadryls because i wanted to sleep the day away.
if i didn’t wake up,
i honestly wouldn’t have cared at that point.
i woke up just now,
groggy as hell,
and something told me to write a poem.
i literally awoke up out my sleep and opened my laptop.
now i don’t write poems.
im not a poet in the least,
but i wrote one in a 1/2 hour.
it maybe wack as hell,
but this is me… now.
today.
5:33pm on november 13th, 2013.
an expression to describe something ive wanted to get into words.
so it means something to me no matter how novice it is.
i’ll talk more in depth tomorrow but here it is…
little boy blue,
whatever are you gonna do?
did you ever think that god,
would end up turning on you?
the people you thought once had your back,
have all gone astray.
your parents long gone.
best friend the same way.
your bank account running on empty.
jobs don’t think you’re a prize.
bills keep coming in,
surprise after surprise.
when your fight is gone,
your strength is weak,
people criticizing,
calling you meek.
what is the point of fighting back?
every hit is a miss.
the devil stays on the attack.
pulling you deeper into the abyss.
“where is god?” you scream.
he seems to not hear.
you keep tumbling and tumbling.
the darkness is near.
is death the answer?
do you belong on this earth?
they tell you to hold on!
surprises will come out the dirt.
life has thrown you a curve ball.
landed in a puddle.
maybe you should become mean?
start poppin’ people’s bubbles?
they say only the strongest survive.
the weak just get eaten.
well you’re on a plate right now,
garnished and seasoned.
so little boy blue?
whatever are you gonna do?
something needs to be done.
the devil and his army are coming for you.
thanks everyone for taking the time to read it.
i’m going back to sleep now.
Jamari weeks ago I encouraged you to seek grief counseling to help you cope with the loss of your friend.You need to get professional help.Grief is difficult to cope with for everyone but especially for someone who is already depressed.I know from the Lee Thompson Young posts you don’t want to go on meds again.A counselor can show ways to cope with your stress, grief, depression.YOU NEED HELP call 1 800 suicide so they can refer to a mental health counselor or support group in your area.Im praying for you and you know I don’t even attend church or believe in organized religion 🙂
Where there is God there is Hope
You need to eat some chocolate chip cookies. It might sound ridiculous, but it does make you feel better and joyful. So get a nice cold, cold glass of milk and either bake or buy chocolate chip cookies, Tollhouse is delicious. Then enjoy and relax.
Now Jamarai now listen there are people who are in worse conditions than you, so stop being selfish. You listen to Immanuel about finding a part time or full time job at Target, McDonald, or w/e I know it not the dream job, however, you do need to bend a little with your pride.
I’ve been where you have been. I know it sounds trite but don’t give up. Just a few words of advice: try to fi d some job just to get you out and engaged in life. Starbucks, Target whatever. I took a job as a theater usher when I was unemployed. Lousy pay but it brightened my mood to be out among people and watch a Tyler Perry play twice a day.
Jamari..hang tough man.. the sun will always come up tomorrow. I dont know what triggered thid downer for you but remember that “a suh lfe go” ie “such is life”. You may want to get some professional support just to help.
Stay strong and encouraged. Each day you should strive to accomplish something. If you do not accomplish it, that is ok. There is always tomorrow. Remember each day brings new opportunities, and you shall not want to miss those opportunities.
Jamari,
I love your blog and I have never commented before, but I just have to speak on this. I recently graduated from college and have been going through some things myself. Just trying to figure out where my life is going. I’ve been in a real rut for the past few months, but your blog has given me something to look forward to and laugh at every day. Its so ironic because I was reading one of your older entries just this morning and you were talking about being single and using that time to better yourself. So today I jogged 4 miles, gave myself a pedicure (these toes were looking a little ruff lol), and got back on my job search. I was inspired to do all of this today, because of YOU! I know that I have some struggles to face in the future, but I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel for me and you too! Keep your head up and remember that you are important and loved.
God Bless
OMG :/ hope you get to feeling better!
Please allow me to pray for and I hope that this prayer intercede on your behalf. I have been right where you are, but thank GOD I had my Great Aunt to help me. Stay strong and try to keep someone around you , so this want happen again. Jamari you are to talented and gifted to throw life way!
Stay strong Jamari
for us to bless you financially, what postal address is there to send it too you, surely that can releave some stress from off your shoulders
I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better. To help you get through this. There isn’t. I’m sure you’ve heard it all. I know it’s tough. It’s not easy.
I can’t even begin to imagine what your personal struggles are, aside from what you’ve shared on here. If you believe in a higher power, seek guidance there….and find the strength within yourself to get through this. That’s all I can say. I KNOW you have it. It may not seem worthwhile but understand you deserve it.
like a olive, for it to bring forth the oil in it has to be crushed…..you may feel crushed but you are not forsaken, cast down but you are not destroyed, weak but making many strong…….you are too legit to quit…..rest from the battle if necessary but get up; taking one day at at a time – crawl, walk or run….don’t stop fighting!
I felt sad reading this because I can tell you are extremely hurt. I wish I could help in some sort of way man.
I know u have heard this over and over again, but it will get better!! Hold on, keep fighting don’t give up. Don’t give up on hope, so many people want u to WIN!! It’s coming, hold on!!
I do not know what it was that brought you to this point, but I know that this is the time that you show your strength and if you don’t have the strength then you lean on the strength of the foxhole and the wolf den.
Whatever it maybe I know that you are strong enough to endure it and overcome. You did it before and you can do it again. I am glad you have a friend by which will save you from the darkness. My only wish from this point and in the future is that you know Jamari that we love you.
Regardless of what happens we gon be here and if we all could be, we be in the concrete jungle with you during this time to help you through it. Just remember that, and never forget it. We are in your corner.
Hug trouble don’t last