you’re reclaiming your power over men sexually because they’ve hurt you (daddy issues?)

this might get me dragged
i often look at gays whose sole purpose is to “take down wolves (tops)“,
wolves being the dominant rather than submissive fox (bottom),
as being weaker males who desperately seek power.

“Well he wasn’t a top with me last night.”

like,
do you want an award or medal of honor for this?
i don’t brag about a wolf dominating me and loved my good stuff.

it’s the same with other sexuality and their views of sex.

“I still beat.”

it’s no shocker that people want power.
it’s also not a shocker people want power because they’re weaker.
most rap vixens teach vixens and gay males how to change the power dynamic with males,
but end up settling and having kids with bottom of the barrel trash.
gay and bi males,
who are usually treated so terribly by society,
tend to reclaim our power in sex and dominance.
if you notice,
being a fox (bottom) is degrading,
but being a top (wolf) is the highest honor you can have.
even if its an illusion.
that doesn’t make us any more or less damaged while doing it.
a foxholer sent me a screen shot that i was stewing in for the week.
i was in a pot with the collards and the seasonings over this

wow.
just wow.
this was so deep to me.
i had to hit up the pretty vixen about it and she said:

…and that’s it.
^that part.
you’ll hear the lines about why males choose to be fuck bois and emotionally unavailable.
some random broke their heart in high school/kindergarten and they became savages.
males are not taught how to properly express our emotions and hurt.
hbo’s “insecure” really showed that perfectly with lawrence and how he handled being hurt by issa.

videos cc: hbo

fuck the hurt away.
gay males aren’t taught anything.
i’ve noticed gay and bi males seek out to sexually dominate the same males that bullied them.
they bait straight males for their nudes as a power play.
we all have excuses we use to run around being demons trying to reclaim power.
here is the rub:

Many males,
including myself,
are very angry.

some of us know why we’re angry; others pretend they don’t know.
we show that anger when confronted with the very things that hurt us in the past.

We can’t love someone because they “might” cheat on us
We can’t be genuine friends because we “might” get betrayed
We can’t pursue our attractions to the same sex because being that is the lowest of the low

the crazy part is we only end up hurting ourselves in the process.

^that person was very brave to share their truth.
the fact he realized he might not even be attracted to the same sex was huge.
it speaks for many males that i’ve encountered in this life.
i wanted them to love me,
but they didn’t love themselves due to their own demons.
so they took my power away while trying to keep themselves guarded.
they probably did it to many others in their paths of destruction.
hell,
i might have done it to someone(s) and not even realize.
well guess what?

You’re not gonna find “YOU” hurting others while trying to heal your broken heart.

fuckin’,
wealth,
career success,
fame,
and social media status are all temporary fixes for a bigger issue.
this is why i keep saying a majority of black folks need therapy.
we been trying to fix our issues with outside sources (drugs, alcohol, and/or sex),
or getting into constant relationships/situationships,
but we always seem to come right back to the beginning after the honeymoon phase wears off.

Does that IG story reflect you?

if it does,
you are not alone.
it might be time to fix it.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “you’re reclaiming your power over men sexually because they’ve hurt you (daddy issues?)

  1. Now that I’m older I can definitely see the parallels between my relationship with my father and my acting out with older men when I was younger. I don’t have romantic feelings for men either.

    I’ve always wondered if that accounts for that disconnect most men feel after the sex is over. I’ve heard a lot of gay men joke about feeling disgusted or “not gay anymore” after they nut whether it’s just watching pornography or having sex with another man.

    Someone needs to do a research study on this lol

    1. ^oooooooooh good one.

      you are right.
      so does that hate after sex explain why some homophobes are the way they are?
      after they have sex with another male,
      they are disgusted with themselves and turn violent?

      1. I don’t think all homophobes are violent.

        However, aggression towards gay men can possibly be misdirected, aggressive sexual energy.

        The disconnect I’m referring to after sex is just that. You want to leave or want them to leave, your effort in the interaction has decreased significantly, you’re not interested in being intimate or having sex for a while until the cycle begins again.

        I lowkey believe that’s the root of why everyone feels like they’re being played. I know I can be texting multiple dudes at once and once I knock one down I go Casper on everyone. I’m napping lmao

        1. ^i feel that way when i jack off to the thought of someone i’m really attracted to.
          once i’m done,
          i don’t want to see them or think about them again.

          that actually maybe a bad thing because it shows a lot of our interaction with the same sex is based on that – sex.

          you are bringing it with these comments.
          it seems like an endless cycle,
          but when and how does it end?

          1. I honestly don’t believe it will ever end. As long as we are a Society perpetually dominated by social media and the visual appearance of others. We will constantly be in this cycle and unfortunately the cycle will get worse. *lowkey there’s a reason why people called it the good ole days. Today everyone wants to be someone else and nothing you have is ever good enough.

  2. Where I was younger, in the closet and ashamed of who I was I had feelings of shame or anger but after living, learning and fully embracing myself I don’t feel shame after sex. Realized that sex is only one aspect of life not the end all. If they feel like after sex the thrill is gone than that’s someone who’s addicted to sex and hookups. We perpetuate one night stands, both straight and gays, as the pinnacle of sex. So many people now are emotionally detached because they’ve convinced themselves that having sex without “catching feelings” makes them better or stronger lovers

    1. ^POWERFUL!!!!!

      this is why i say it takes one person to put that OOWEE on someone for them to be hooked.
      usually,
      i find that happens when there is an emotional attachment involved.
      sex for the sake of having sex is a nut.
      sex with someone you are really feeling?

      that’s why it’s dangerous to have sex with someone and the feelings aren’t mutual.
      i’ve seen a lot of hearts get broken that way.

      1. I really don’t believe it’s possible to get someone hooked in bed, or rather it backfires🤷🏾‍♂️

        I guess you can turn out a Virgin, but even then eventually they’re going to go “try a different flavor” after they tire of yours lol. You’ve opened that door.

        There are plenty of people that can fuck you like they’re emotionally attached if you’re into that. Plenty of gay men like to have intimate sex with men they’re not into beyond physical attraction.

        1. ^remember,
          everyone has a different experience.
          i’ve seen it happen to the best of them.

          you are right that it can backfire,
          especially if the person has nothing to offer besides good dick/ass.

  3. I’ve been saying something for years and never heard anyone else say anything different. Our whole society dogs women for actually working through their emotional drama ..we call them overly emotional. Yet when you talk to a lot of these players who “don’t do that emotional shit” many will tell you about some girl (that’s what they were) who hurt them in high school. 35 year old Dudes will be acting out, ruining their marriage because a 15 year old hurt them 20 years ago. While women will move on after a man got them pregnant and beat beat them to death 5 years prior. It’s not because women are better. It’s because even though we dog women out, we expect them to be emotional and deal with their emotions.

    I have my own issues with sex that I’ve brought up on here . A combination of molestation, and neglect led me to seek out the most alpha males I could so that I could be alpha through them. Luckily I dated a dude years ago who was masculine on the outside but softer on the inside. We had a few fights because he’d occasionally reject his softer side and get mad at me for liking it. I learned that softer side actually what I wanted. It also explained why I was more into white guys in my teens. White guys are allowed to be softer. People will question a black mans blackness if he’s not hard.

    I wanted the softness. All the chasing masculine men was a desire to show my mother I could be the man she told me she actually wanted as a son. It was also a desire to keep a strong man because my father abandoned me around the time I was molested and my grandfather died around the same time. I’m not saying I wouldn’t date a really masculine man, but there has to be a sensitive side there for me. I don’t need a father figure or someone to lend me there masculinity card.

    1. ^i am so thankful to have written this entry because it is speaking to many.
      brian,
      your comment is A1 and very relatable.
      it gave me legit feels,
      chills,
      and made me want to cry.
      you spoke something many could relate too.

      i hope we can get more to join in this discussion.

  4. i’ve noticed gay and bi males seek out to sexually dominate the same males that bullied them.

    Facts.

    Whenever a guy reminds me of a highschool bully I want to rip a hole in their pants and make them unable to walk. It has nothing to do with liking the view or wanting to turn them gay. I want to take out my rage on them in the most humiliating way. People have told me I am very attractive when I am angry which is why you have racist white men who seek out Black men to dominate them as they call them the n-word. I definitely understand rape being about power and not sex.

    I still disagree with that post and most of these comments. The blaming of trauma/”shrooms”. Bye. Drugs don’t make you gay. I could see molestation leading to this, but he is explaining the gay part of him away. And I’m not down for that.

      1. No, not for me, not into makeup sex either. Sex is a transferrence of energy and you don’t deserve it if you piss me off. When I’m happy or call up the thot who stays in your likes on standby.

  5. I been saying this for years… This one-size fits all “why are we gay? ” ideology has never made sense to me. Personally I have always thought that homosexual attractions much like basic sexual attractions is a spectrum. It can go from “born this way (no sexual trauma involved) to general curiosity to traumatic programming. I think the reason we embrace only one end of the spectrum is because a lot of us that are living our truths want be free to be ourselves and typically the side that opposes us tells we are wrong and that we made a choice, a very wrong choice usually based on their personal distaste. I also think this ideology is why we are so funny about accepting bi-sexuality & gender identity especially from the male side of things. Honestly we gonna have to realize everybody does not get to that same place the same way and that’s ok!! It’s like a person that’s deemed a “Hoe or Whore” some are that way based on natural sex-drive some are programmed whether it’s thru traumatic experience or observation. I think in some instances DL men fall here too!! To some of them “sex is just sex”! I figure this out once I had sex with some of them and noticed that they had sex with me in the same way they would sex a women. One told me to “n***** & b***** is my hoes I’m gonna f*** like I f***!” I did not understand this right away but once I did I realized that it was a “DJ Mister C of Hot 97 situation”… A person regardless of gender is just a hole for a specific act of pleasure which to me go between free & disturbing depending on the person.

  6. I am a little late getting to the Foxhole today thanks to the holiday, but I am here now and this entry has spoke to me tonight. The part of about Anger really hit home hard, I have not really dealt with some of my anger issues instead I chose to ignore or play like I was not angry about a lot of things, but it seemed that being quarantined alone has made me really did deep into myself. I had been going to therapy up until we got stay at home orders and I cut it off not wanting to do the virtual therapy thing. I think I have got mad and angry at myself more than anything because I have put others first and worried about others feelings over my own. Being alone so much these past few months has actually help me to become more focused on my own feelings, dreams and goals and think of self before others. This damn Covid could take us out at any minute so it is no time to be putting energy into worrying what others think and putting energy into toxic people or dead relationships. We all got to fix ourselves, no one is going to fix us

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