You Look Like A Bitch (That’s Why He Didn’t Holla)

tumblr_mak2gbblmV1qhthpmo1_400so i got my explanation today.
i have been wondering what is wrong with me?
why don’t wolves ever try and get with me?
lately i have been getting hit on tho.
just the other night,
this old wolf tried to get my foxtail.
he disguised it as:

“do you make web pages?”

like…
who does that hard labor anymore?
this ain’t myspace!
well one of my home-vixens explained it to me tonight.
i get it.
i guess…

“you look like you are too much.”

she said.
the pretty vixen tagged along as well.
my response to that:

“omg…”

ed7789fc874dd3aab32de08235157432“look at how you are dressed?
you look very expensive.

if i saw you sitting over in the corner,
i wouldn’t come up to you.
you look like you have your shit all the way together.
i would be intimidated by you.”

“that and you look mean af!”

that was the pretty vixen chiming in.
she said i don’t smile at all.
that made me feel kinda sad.
i told them it did.

“it should make you feel great.
you shouldn’t change at all.”

they went on to say that it’s good i’m the exact opposite.
folks think they are getting one thing,
but they’ll get this “sweet and nurturing spirit”.
that made me sound like a plant or a hamster.
i don’t know.

filing_images_09d01d120193i had to wonder if i had to become more “hood” to be hit on?

“no.
then you’ll look like a mean lookin’ hood rat.” the pretty vixen replied.

as i was coming home,
i had to wonder about image and how the other animals see us.
hell i had to wonder how many innocent people we have all pre-judged?
we could be missing out on great people because of an assumption.
why do we assume just based off the physical?
now i will admit,
i have pre-judged before i got to know them.
when i did get to know the person,
i was wrong.
a lot.
some did end up being what i initially assumed,
while many others became my greatest alliances.
i’ve learned that a “mean” face could actually be a front.
first impressions do mean everything,
but what does it really mean when someone has formed their own opinion about you?
is it really fair?
or is our body language sabotaging us?

so i had a question
if someone in the foxhole was to see you sitting down,
standing at the train platform,
or even walking past

What do think their pre-judgment of you would be?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

27 thoughts on “You Look Like A Bitch (That’s Why He Didn’t Holla)

  1. Lol! I deal with this a lot. I’ve gotten everything, so it’s hard to tell what people think of me because I never get a unified consensus from different people. Some people think I’m a lot nicer than I am, and are shocked by my objectivity, and sometimes harsh dispositions, and some people think I’m a lot meaner than I am, and then are shocked by my friendliness. I used to be so consumed with this that I wouldn’t dress as nice as I wanted for fear of coming off as pretentious, or “snobby” , which I’ve gotten before as well lol. WEll let’s just say I just dress the way I want because I didn’t spend my money on these clothes to have them sit in my closet for fear of what other’s think. I rock it and embrace it in full, stares or no stares.
    I’ve gotten over that a few years ago, because I KNOW i dress nice, or… decent lol :).

    Tbh I don’t even think about it anymore. In recent days, if people see me now, not sure tbh, maybe mean, because I always have sunglasses and headphones on these days lol.

    I don’t expect to get hit on by guys, so I’m not thinking about them checking me out. Maybe that’s why they stare, idk, I always would assume that they think I’m being pretentious because I dress differently than them (black men in particular) hm. Don’t know, and don’t really care anymore tbh!
    I wouldn’t worry about it Jamari!

    1. I’ve been told I look mean as hell…but I’m a “sweetheart” (females) and “mad kool” (dudes) once they get to know me. Guess I gotta learn to control my mean muggin’ look that I use for the train/bus! LOL

  2. I think a dude would think I was mean, stuck up, picky, rude, self absorbed, weak, insecure, and innocent. Mixed bag…I know. But I can be most of those things some of the time. I’m also nice, down to earth, accepting, polite, caring, strong, confident, and naughty. I’m a Gemini and I can be a lot of things. Only those brave enough to holla are worthy of my time and attention. If you are so scared to talk to me because of what you think I am, then BYE FELICIA! 👋😔

    1. Agreed, and I relate to your list of adjectives, I probably give off the same vibe.For me, I think it depends on the day, and when someone sees me, because it could change throughout the day, and depending on who I am with, or not with lol!

  3. A BITCH….In my case I actually am a lil tough cookie. My friend told me…He always wondered why I never had a glocks of boys to try to come up and talk to me at school. I’m cute but now he sees why. He saw me coming from class one day …. “You look mean as hell and to be honest, if I didn’t know you, I would never come talk to you cause you look like if someone speaks to you, you’ll go off.”

    I’m pretty laid back though once folks get to know me & folks that have gotten to know me properly agree. Its just I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and games. Still though, I have resting bitch face…so eh. It is what it is…

  4. You have to look at it that individuals that judge you before they know you obviously aren’t worth it in the first place if they don’t take the time to know you first. I have the same problem. Everyone likes to say just my presence is intimidating by simply walking into the room the whole mood can change like you can control these individuals insecurity level. You have to think of it as some people just are not ready for that experience of someone that has their shit together. It probably makes them self conscious and most don’t realize they’ve probably lost the experience of a friend for life potentially.

    Soon thought when you achieve a certain level of excellence in your life professionally and are involved with the individuals that you yourself wants to achieve, everything else will fall into place. You should probably look for a mentor to push yourself to the next level career wise. It’s good to have someone in your corner batting for you.

  5. I was literally talking about this today (well yesterday) on how I find it hard to find a date especially with African American men because here what I notice, some of them claim they want someone who has it all together with a degree, a career and someone they see themselves with in the long run, but that’s BULLSHIT. What they actually want is a str8 up pineapple from the hood with thuggish ways who lay the pipe good o got a phat ass with a loose bootyhole to cream.

    As much I am attracted to African American men. I have to come to a realization that it not going to happen because I get pre-judged by them a lot. Because I am an Afro-Latino, I’m automatically consider anti-black, because I like fantasy and sci-fi, I’m a nerd o too weird for them. I get called an oreo o must like only white people because I dress a certain way. And I came to a conclusion that I am not an African American man’s type. I’m not the guy that they chase after because I’m not a thug o hood o some mediocre white boy with a flat ass o even a Enrique Iglesias lookalike.

  6. Its so ironic that for the last 5 years I have hit the gym hard and transform my body with weights and lots of damn protein shakes only to be 6’1, muscular with a big popping chest and arms only to have dudes scared to say anything to me because of my size. I have had dudes tell me I look mean, like I will kick their ass if they say something to me, and I couldnt be a nicer person. I guess big dudes are intimidating. Many guys think that if you have a nice body, you must already be taken, if they only knew I sleep alone. Females are another story, Black Vixens anyway, are bold and will flirt me, I usually try to play naive or will say my girlfriend probably want like I am seen talking to you if they get a little out of hand and try to push the envelope. White Vixens on the other hand hit me up on social media more so than in person, especially when I post a shot of me in the gym. I guess that is why so many Brotha’s who work out have White girlfriends.

    I try to be conscious to smile more and look like I am approachable, but it only works for either flaming dudes or dudes who hadnt seen the gym because they overlook it on their way to Burger King. The few dudes, I am attracted to and will approach are always taken, but usually dont mind having a fling, and I say Hell No to that, so I am just going to hope that the stars align up and I am blessed with a lucky break in 2016.

    1. @Tajan – I can relate to your comment. Even when I wear a “freak’em shirt” to show off my results from the gym I can only arouse stares from guys but no actual flirtation. It seems the queens and the older out of shape types are bold enough to make their interest known. Maybe it has a lot to do with the city and region you may find yourself in.

      *shrugs*

  7. I’ve gotten “you think you’re better than us” and “you look mean” a few times. I don’t get it.

    1. RIGHT?! Who DOES that?! Do we look THAT different from everybody else? WE have to smile but everyone else can do their own thang? Eh, I call B.S when ppl say that to me! People randomly smiling is creepy af! LOL!

  8. I think it’s too funny how these two vixen friends of yours went right into listing how you come off too the outside work with the quickness lol as if they’ve been wanting to say it for awhile.

    Most people make up judge based on looks and people’s body movement and facial expressions before getting to really know someone. It’s human nature, almost all of the time people think I’m either a teenager or in my early twenties and that I’m quite and a bookworm before they talk to me and see that I’m neither.

  9. Woooow… LoL… My BFF and I have had this conversation at least a hundred times over the years.
    We call it “Gay Face” – when the kids just look mean or have a permanent scowl for some reason.
    I must admit it is off-putting and the perpetrator usually does come across as an asshole.
    But I also think it’s more to it than that and different types of mean faces. I live in an “urban” area and I know when I’m on public transit, I usually have on my trade don’t-eeeem-try-it face so that made me think that maybe the kids wear their mean mugs as a suit of armor. I know many a dude who has had to fight because he appeared soft. I think the average gay boy mean face is worn as a warning: “Try it if you want to.”
    But I seriously don’t get the guy in the club staring at me frowning, the guy in the gym lifting weights as I run staring at me frowning, the guy with his “girlfriend” in Target staring at me frowning …. WTF is that about!?!?!? You ain’t gotta smile but damn can I get a smirk … something that says I actually like living…

    But back to the question you asked at the end: I KNOW my body language is sabotaging me. I must admit I am very shy and have been told that I come across reserved, tense, and uptight by both heteros and the homos. But I recently spent a week in Dallas and went to Austin for NYE intent on turning up. When I tell you I got SOOOOOOOOO much attention and had a ball because I didn’t give a SINGLE fuck. Every time I turned around, I met somebody else. I honestly believe the energy and vibes I was giving off attracted people to me. I was happy and positive and open.

    1. I have that don’t give a fuck attitude when I’m drunk. I’m so carefree and fun and my friends love me even more when I drink. But I feel like it would be too much if I was like that 24/7

  10. People always tell me I look “unapproachable and mean” but I’m really not. And everyone wants someone who has their shit together but nobody wants to approach you…makes no sense.

  11. People I’m cool with have told me when they first met me they thought I was stuck up and mean, I asked them why they thought that and they told me it was my facial expression, they said I always look pissed off like I want to beat someones ass. I have been hearing this every since I was about 15 or 16 and now I am 26. I have resting bitch face and I am trying to change that, but the only way I can if I walk around smiling and my ass is not doing that. When I was probably around 7 or 8 years old I got picked on a few different times by other boys in my neighborhood. I was this little skinny kid that was a little feminine, but my lil ass never cried or backed down from them. After that happened my dad made me act more masculine, he changed the way I talked, walked, and just anything you can think of he did. Also some of his miserable ass sisters use to though hints off to him that I was too soft. I use to hear some of them talk about me in the next room saying that boy is going to be gay, then their kids which are my cousins use to ask me if was I gay or call me a faggot. About a year ago I spent hours looking at my pictures though my childhood all the way up to my adulthood. I was a happy little kid then I started noticing something through my teen years and even now, I wasn’t smiling anymore in pictures my eyes looked sad, I was angry and hurt and still till this day I still experience pain from those years and how I can’t be myself. So I say all this to say is I can’t speak for everyone else but my (off putting facial expression) comes from experiences that I have faced growing up. I know I can’t change the past but I am trying to work through all of that and I know I will be okay. SN: sorry guys for the long autobiography.

    1. Bro reading this made me feel some type of way, especially when you said looking at your pictures. Man why do my people always beat the life out of boys of color with these hyper masculine roles. I have taken on some of these hyper masculine roles even as a gay man. I am always conscious of how appear to str8 people especially in public settings or in pictures. I never smile in pics unless I am taking a pic with an elderly relative or a child. Several females have told me to smile, I think subconsciously many of us have chosen that hard str8 persona just to survive. Others have said about the hard face in urban areas, and that is so true, you got to have that look of dont “F” with me or else, just to survive or else you will be taken advantage of. I think Black brothers have it harder than any race of men and not just because of the way we are treated by the majority, but the way we are treated by our own. It is like reading your story, my heart wept a little knowing that this story is all too familiar for many boys of color.

      1. Say it Tajan everything you wrote is so right bro. The way my dad did me made me angry but I understood where he was coming from to a point. My dad is very overprotective of my siblings and I, he never wanted us to be taken advantage of or treated badly. He is one of the alpha men who watch sports, blue collar job, can fix things around the house, being about black love between a man and women etc. So having a gay son is not on his agenda, still till this day he says when you get married and have kids, I’m thinking dad wtf I’m a good looking 26 year old man who hasn’t dated or shown interest in women for about 5 years now. However, I will say I would like to have a kid one day.

  12. I get told the same thing Jamari. I always hear that I look stuck up, mean, intimidating, like I don’t have time for bullshit, etc. The last one is true lol but the rest aren’t. I know my face can be a little intimidating at times (I think it keeps the fakes away tbh) but I’m one of the nicest individuals you’ll ever meet. Hopefully somebody recognizes that one day.

  13. I’m extremely shy and introverted. Folks always misinterpret that as me being stuck up or standoffish. I’m really considerate and constantly thinking of other people but it’s funny how that doesn’t come across.

  14. From reading all the comments and experiences, everybody has had similar experiences with your facial expressions being mistaken for personality. If you want a different result you’ve got to do something different. Yes, you’re handsome; you know it, and others know it. Is that it? For me a person’s personality and energy makes me want to get to know them. I challenge you to do something nice for someone randomly outwardly. Try to go a whole day smiling and greeting people instead of waiting for them to talk to you. Start random convo. Pay for someone’s meal. Compliment a stranger. It’ll make you feel good. In turn the energy you give off will draw people to you. Step out of your comfort zone and your “bitch face” will dissipate.

  15. I can’t see a picture of you, so I wouldn’t know if your friend is even making an accurate assessment or is evaluating you based on what they KNOW of you instead of how you initially would come across to a stranger…sometimes people that know us impose their view of us after knowing us a while onto what everybody else MIGHT be thinking, and that isn’t fair.

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