yesterday, i hated my thanksgiving leftovers

I was supposed to have a little brother.
He died in my mother’s womb.
I often wonder how his birth,
rather than my sisters,
would have changed the trajectory of my life?

i get a sense of dread when the holidays start to pull up.
if i have no plans,
the FOMO hits me hard.
last year,
i had thee best thanksgiving OOO.
karaoke’s family made me feel like i was part of their own.
it was a traditional black southern thanksgiving.
plans fell through for me to go down there again this year.
so the day of thanksgiving,
i had a pretty chill day.
the day after?…

I got hit with a sense of sadness out of nowhere.

it happened because i saw a streamer i watch,
caroline kwan,
making thanksgiving dinner with her family.
everyone was involved in cooking and bonding.
it felt cozy.
i started to yearn for my mother,
wishing i had more siblings.
i realized that my traditional caribbean family has never been like others.
everyone has always been scattered about or had beef.

I hate my family is so cold and standoffish.
I hate my family are held hostage by a cult of a religion.

i really hate that i didn’t have the traditional close knit family.
this is what makes holidays suck for me.
it hate that i’d rather be in another family than my own.

1 thought on “yesterday, i hated my thanksgiving leftovers

  1. The religion thing is depressing. Most of mine are Jehovah’s Witnesses and they’re not supposed to regularly engage with others who aren’t. So I hear from them every 10 years, not checking on me, but inviting me to Kingdom Hall.

    The fact that because we’re not the same religion and can’t hang is ridiculous. 90% of my family I have no relationship with because my parents chose another section of Christianity.

    You’d think I was Muslim. Just nonsense for no reason. I only see them at funerals or graduations. Been looking for a chosen family, but these people are anti-Black and sex-crazed. I cut the few accquaintances who I was overextending myself to off and have kept to myself.

    The loneliness I distract myself from by being busy. When I was around people, I was still lonely because it was obvious my presence wasn’t wanted. I stopped going to events and stopped trying to socialize.

    Black people acting like they don’t hear you when you try to sign up for a LGBT Sports league but wave over white people to sign up was the last nail in the coffin for me.

    You don’t need a bunch of fake people who are judging your clothes, house, how much you make to keep fulfilled around the holidays. Do the little things that make you happy and the things you always wanted to, but didn’t have the time for. Make sure you can look back on holidays 2023 and have grown/bettered yourself and got out of your comfort zone. Cheers

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