image.
we all have an image that we portray to the world.
there are:
“fuck-ers”
“i don’t give a fuck-ers”
i’ve always admired the latter…
life for them seems like a breeze.
they can quit their jobs,
bounce from ain’t shit relationships,
and put sex tapes/naked pics online for the world to see.
they play by their own rules and it seems everyone bows down to it.
with that image comes the ability to get over things quick.
that is the part i admire.
the problem that image runs into is not having any feelings towards anything/one.
they don’t care who is hurt/offend.
then there is the “fuckers”.
i’m highkey part of that group.
i feel a lot harder and get hurt a lot quicker.
i pray too much and there is this needy part of me that needs forgiveness.
i just want to make shit work.
i find myself having to ask the “i don’t give a fuck-ers” group:
“what would you do in this situation?”
and they usually respond:
“not give a fuck.”
easier said than done.
i play a good role of “not giving a fuck-er” sometimes.
some believe it.
others see right through it.
i try to wear that mask,
but it cracks when i’m in my emotions.
i believe you have no emotions when you’re in that category of life.
as the end of the year comes upon us,
i am left being pulled in two directions for 2017.
instead of being on the polar opposites of that spectrum,
i feel stuck in the middle somewhere,
bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.
i do something and i’m like:
“fuck this!”
…but then another side kicks in,
and i’m:
“oh fuck!”
i want to feel fuckless,
but i don’t think it’s in my nature.
i’m drained with caring so much.
i wish i could wake up and just not,
but i know my life wouldn’t be the way it is if i didn’t.
i succeed because i am a fuck-er.
it’s the “getting trapped in what others think of me” that fucks me up.
“does this fit into their image of me?”
“is this going to ruin my image?”
“will they stop speaking to me because of that image?”
i’m still trying to find myself and the best image that fits me.
as much as we can walk around being a “fuck-er” or “not giving a fuck-er”,
or making sure we have the right image or not,
i had to wonder…
Who really gives a fuck?
I’ve found that, for me, the pursuing life as a “not-give-a-fuck-er” caused me to start hardening myself to the world and something about that just didn’t sit right with me. Was not giving a fuck really worth the trail of fire that I’d leave behind me as a result? The only way I could work it out for myself was to find a nice balance between being a fuck-er and a not-give-a-fuck-er. Basically it’s come down to “as long as the fuck-er” is happy, then we’re good. But, the moment “fuck-er” is uncomfortable or uneasy in the slightest, I’ve got to take stock, find out why, then take the “not-give-a-fuck” route on that subject so I can continue to be the happy fuck-er that I am.
If you are born a member the “fuck-ers”, which many foxes are, you can and will transition into a member of the “i-don’t-give-a-fuck-ers”. For us not born that way, it takes time because we tend to be people pleasers. Think about it (and I’ve mentioned it before), we live in a society that has directly and indirectly told you that being Black makes you inferior, being a Black male makes you inherently criminal, and being a Black gay male makes you a traitor to your race. When you carry around that kind of baggage, consciously subconsciously, it makes you eager to please to apologize for being…..you.
A woman that I claim as my older sister once told me that a certain level of selfishness is necessary for mental health. The older you get, you realize that if you don’t take care of you, no one else will.
Eventually, you learn to tell yourself that certain “fucks” are just not worth giving. Then, you graduate to acknowledging the “fucks” but holding on to them. These hoes don’t deserve to be given any “fucks”. Finally, you get to the point where you realize the “fucks” have been a figment of our collective imaginations, like Santa and the Tooth Fairy. That only happens when you truly accept yourself. The “i-don’t-give-a-fuck-ers” are those that have decided that they don’t need the approval of those that don’t approve of them (to paraphrase George Michael) or the approval of their haters is neither desired nor required (to quote To Wong Foo).
Asé, Brother Fox.
^i love this.
as always taylor,
you are amazing.
thank you foxhole for the comments.
i needed some advice and you all delivered!
I’ve definitely been on some “Let Go and Let God” type ish. I feel like people will judge no matter what great we do and/or how less we do. Yes we should be great for our self worth but not for others. Fuck them because I don’t give a fuck! Which one of the people that gives a fuck paying my bills or making sure I’m eating or that I have clothes on my back. You like me great you don’t I wish you the best! This acceptance shit needs to end or we can definitely lose ourself in the hype. Jamari put yourself first and accept yourself first! Everything else will fall into place accordingly! 2017 🤗
^”This acceptance shit needs to end or we can definitely lose ourself in the hype.”
love this.
thanks swagg.
Honestly after this year and all of it’s hardships and trials I’m officially floating into the ‘I don’t give a fuck” spectrum not because I’m fearless or anything because i still think about things but I’m starting to become weary from overanalyzing, over planning things and then life still bending me over and fucking me like it hates me lmao…I’m learning to just jump in, trust my GOD, trust my skillset and just whatever happens happens…I was always worried about others and their perception of my strength, that i worked harder on what i appeared to be versus who I really am and as a result things crumbled about as quickly as they began.. So I’m chasing Malcolm this season and I dont give a fuck who agrees or not…Time for a change
^we are on the same season malcolm.
i realized i have chased for so much approval that now i feel empty.
that is not a good feeling.
so i guess the motto really is “new year;new me”.