FOXMAIL

This is a Ask Jamari question on PDA.

Some background: I was with a group of friends and associates of about 10 latin, black, multi-racial, in and out of the closet, feminine up to masculine and one of them let’s call him Jay who is dl masculine wolf ask everyone how they felt about pda (public displays of affection) between men such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing. He of course said even if he wanted to he’d never do it in public due to social norms etc. Another said he came from a home with no pda, nobody ever said I love you so he was uncomfortable doing it or somebody doing it to him in public. The answers varied but the one who surprised everybody was _____ who was a drug dealer when he was young, went to prison after killing a guy who gave him a date rape drug then went to college and now holds a phd. True sports addict and no one ever believes he’s into men. I’ve seen women be irate when they try to hit on him and he tells them he’s not interested and he likes men only. Well, he said at 17 he told his mom and family…does not use gay to describe himself but loves a male relationship solely. Well, he has no problem with pda at all in public whether initiating or being the receiving party. I’ve gotten more comfortable with some forms of it but for me it’s a time and place as I feel you have to be present in your environment. You may want to show your love but you have to use common sense as well. Overall, most men of color seem to be uptight about it so I was wondering how you felt about it.

So, if a guy you were involved with wanted to holds hands, hug you, or kiss you in public how would you react?

No limitations…some limitations…not allow it, etc

MY ANSWER…

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FOXMAIL

Dear Jamari Fox,

A few months ago, I was introduced to your blog and instantly became a fan. This is the first black gay blog that I have ever been exposed to and I’m here for it!

I am emailing you to seek your opinion on love. I once believed in love until all my recent encounters with men. I have dated within and out of my race (Black). Dating within my race, I end up with a men who don’t know what it is they want out of relationships, has problems with their masculinity, massive manipulators. Dating outside of my race, I end up with two good healthy relationships but we just did not connect on a cultural level. Personally, I believe it is hella important to have that cultural connection in a relationship.

I don’t think I ask for much in a relationship. I want someone who is honest, supportive, trustworthy, lovable, and someone who is ambitious on reaching success (whatever that looks like for them).

To make a long story short, it has been hit or miss even with the guys close to my age and older. I’m aware the problem could be myself, the people I attract, or both. I don’t want to just give up completely on love but… ????????‍♂️

I battle with if it is possible to find black gay love? Find someone who doesn’t lie, manipulate, cheat, or intentionally try to hurt you? Maybe you will have some answers for me because I’m sure someone has posed this question before me. Can’t wait to hear your response.

Sincerely,

Leo-da-Hybrid

MY ANSWER…

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FOXMAIL

I love your blog. I was asking for advice from you and your readers. I just tested negative for HIV and want to go on PREP. My private employer and their healthcare provider will not let me enroll in wellness programs to keep my insurance premiums down because of this.

is this allowed?

MY ANSWER…

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FOX MAIL

Dear , Jamari Fox

my name is ________ I’m currently a manager & an employee at Walgreens in New Orleans la , I’ve been working for this company for about 9 months I’m writing you to gain exposures about the recent discriminatory event that’s has taken place as of July 2 ,I’ve been on suspension for about 8 days and counting for a situation that any male or female would call a act of goodness now as a openly gay male I know the odds would always be against me because the world can’t handle my kind ,or words or my big personality furthermore let me give you details as to why the girls can’t handle the gays so on June 30, 2018 I was at work just finishing a morning truck routine me and a 3 other male co workers now granted the three males are all heterosexual males and the one female is one of our ASMT in training someone who looked too me for answers whenever she felt lost or displaced with the co-workers she rubbed the wrong way ???? any-who so in the midst of me and my other co workers doing our daily duties I was approached by her and one of my older co -workers now granted this is a older Heterosexual male who low key crushes on her daily ,I pay no mind too it because it’s none of my business neither am I interested in their mesh Furthermore as we was having a conversations I noticed that her shirt was slightly open , slightly open for example when a woman wears a small when they suppose to wear a medium because of her bust so me being the Courteous openly gay male I’m I proceeded to inform her that her shirt was opened and she didn’t want any men starring down her shirt like the older gentleman who was standing next too her and in the spur of the moment I pinched the middle region of her shirt me not thinking anything of disorderly conduct because what’s so disorderly about touching ones shirt there’s nothing in the code of conduct that states such thing and we know nothing sexual isn’t in act because I don’t like women and I’m not that dumb too put my self in a situation like that I honestly took the liberty too help a sister out because us gays are classified as another girl yet I’m a male no doubt and proud of it so after me informing her who shall not be named about her T-Shirt no way shape of form I was under the impression she felt violated or upset we joked and talked and I went home afterwards but there’s a old saying be careful with those who smile and laugh in your face a wolf can easily come dressed as the sheep ok!! So after along days work I was off and I returned that Monday to return to complete bullshit so as I entered the managers office my hiring manager goes on record to inform me that there’s a situation and to have a seat I’m thinking it’s no biggie because at my store location everything but peace occurs so as I sat there with a questionable look he stated he have to call My district Human Resources Manager ????now I know who he is by name I’ve met this gentleman once so the conversation starts off by his favorite weak un threatening tag line I hope you tell the truth and I use too be a private detective bullshit as if that has anything to do to what bullshit just was served so he asked me about the event that had occurred on June 30 when he spoke of June 30 I knew this decepticon aka transformer had went and made false allegations which is very upsetting and sad so Uncle Tom goes on record to ask me what happened but in his head he put as if I had sexually assaulted this female co-worker so you know I had too put him in his place as a victim of abuse both sexual and physical I’ve never been the type too try to harm anyone neither invade in their space granted me and this co-worker didn’t see eye too eye at first but somehow we grew a friendly relationship we have had plenty talks about building the company and keeping the people together and she even went on record to try and prove how loyal and honest she was what a lie that is ???????? Ms Thang should’ve kept that too herself anyways I told uncle tom that I refuse to sit on the phone and be accused of sexual harassment he than goes on record to say let’s take the sexual part out of it and I stated let’s because I’m a openly gay male I don’t like women there’s no reason for me too touch her or do anything that’s she is trying too cry wolf about he than said my sexual preference has nothing too do with this and I felt as if does because what gay male would touch a female inappropriately so he goes on record stating I broke code of conduct because I touched her without permission I said well technically I touched her shirt not her Breast,Bra or anything else touching is classified as skin to skin and sexual is classified as hand to any private area so in my head I kept wondering what was I being accused ? So it got me wondering discrimination doesn’t have to be someone saying to me I’m gay , or all the nasty thing the humane race can say discrimination can be defaming one character simply because a boy like me takes no shit and I speak up whenever I need too now I’ve been blessed with a big personality that most people can’t handle but my rapport with my co-workers says in doing something right because they respect me and trust me and maybe she is bothered by that so here I’m with my job on the line and I wanna make this aware to the public so this wouldn’t ever happen to anybody like me or just an innocent person trying to do something out of an act of good!!

MY ANSWER…

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FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari,

So I hope you’ve been doing good personally and professionally! I haven’t really gotten a chance to read or even comment on the blog. I’m deep in Georgia taking care of my dad who has dementia. I’ve been viewing when I get a chance or time to myself.

I don’t know if you remember us talking but I remember mentioning a guy I dealt with years ago that was addicted to meth. I haven’t spoken with him in years. From time to time, I would call his last known number and leave voicemails and texts in the hopes that we would speak. I’ve been in Georgia since April and even then, I called his phone hoping that I would get him. It was one day last week that I was sitting down and I got a message on A4A by someone who called me by name. It was him. I damn near cried Jamari. He updated his phone number and gave it to me. We talked. I told him about my moving to Florida and wanting to go to Flatbush to speak to his mother (my best friend didn’t think it was a good idea) to ask for him. He told me he’s been going to church with his mother in Brooklyn and he’s been looking for me too. I asked him was he taking care of himself and he said that there’s a lot of things he wants to speak to me about when I do come back to New York. I’m assuming it’s about the drug use. I will say that he sounded less erratic now than he did in the past.

Jamari, let me be perfectly honest. I’ve dealt with men who were more handsome, better off financially, bigger, tighter, and drug free. I don’t know why I feel what I feel for this man, but every man I have ever dealt with cannot compare to him. I love him and have always loved him. He is 2 years younger than me. We would stay in my apartment all weekend watching movies and fucking. We would talk about so many things. But his drug use is what made me stay away from him. The more comfortable he got with me, the more he got open in his use of meth around me. The last time I saw him was either in 2014 or 2015 and I went to his condo in the Bronx. It was a Chinatown traphouse. We were about to mess around but, he needed to take a hit before he could perform. I left abruptly and avoided his calls and texts.

I come back to New York on June 17 and we are supposed to catch up when I get back. I know myself. I know that when I see him, I’m going to hold him and start crying. I have been looking and searching for this man literally for years and I made a promise to myself that I were to ever find him, I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I love him, but he is spiritually familiar to me. Happiness is all I feel when he comes around. I haven’t let go of the hope that I would see him or be with him again, and I feel that life has given me a second chance at happiness with the one that loves me.

Am I making the right decision in inviting this man back into my life or am I setting myself up for an even bigger letdown?

Kind regards,

MY ANSWER…

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FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari,

I just want to start off and let you know that Ive been reading your blog for quite sometime. (Even back when I was in high school). I used to read just to look at the hot guys but as I got older I started reading your more conversational thought provoking posts.

I recently went through the entire work wolf thread and I can’t say I’m going through the same situation but I felt your pain.

I really need advice from a wise gay black man who isn’t bitter from life and while I dont know you personally I get that feeling from you. You seem very sure of yourself and not scarred from your past.

Here’s my situation

I’ve been in love with the same man for almost 9 years and we’ve never been together. We’ve never had sex. The furthest we’ve gone is a couple explicit pics and kissing.

We met in high school. I was 14 and a freshman and he was 17 and a senior. We were both new to the school and he was (and still is) a very attractive man. 6 ft nice brown skin kinda lanky and beautiful eyes. He was and is still the finest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.

He starting dating this other senior but he and I were talking the whole time. A whole lot of drama transpired during that time but I stood by him.

When they broke up he asked me to be with him but I told him to wait (they were barely broken up) because I wanted him to heal before he and I walked into anything. That mf went and got into another relationship this time the guy was just A year older than me ( I was 15 and a sophomore at this point). We went back and forth falling in and out of each others lives. He ended up going to the military when I was 17 and we fell out for a good while. I have to admit I did my fair share of wrong.

I lied to him and told him I lost my virginity, so he went and had sex with some random and I told him the truth and he was really hurt.

Now I’m 23 and he’s about to be 26. He’s still in the military but he’s at school in our hometown. He and I have talked about where we stand with each other.

He’s told me that he loves me. He also said that he’d be afraid of cheating on me. I was slightly offended and I told him that it kind of killed my romantic feelings for him. He then explains to me that I misunderstand him.

He hasnt been in a relationship in 7 years. He’s afraid of it. He says that he doesnt know how to be in one. Considering the last 2 that he was in he emotionally cheated on both of them with me.

Now I recently got of a 3 year relationship myself last year (which is a whole nother can of worms).

But this man just does something to me jamari. Not only is he a great friend (helps me financially, gives emotional support good advice, great conversations) but he is everything I want in a man. I told him last year I felt like our souls were tied and we’ve never even had sex. It feels crazy to love someone like this and to have never even been physically intimate. With them.

He still resents me for the times I kicked him out of my life and I resent him for stringing me along these relationships.

Even recently he was talking to this guy. The entire time they were dating he’s telling me that it won’t last long or that it won’t work out. (It didn’t)

Jamari. He’s told me that he’s expecting for me to kick him out of life again and tbh sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna do it. I don’t want to do it because I know how much this hurts my friend and all the romantic shit aside me and him are really good bros but the other part of me would rather not see him than to exist in this limbo like state. I don’t wanna pull no ultimatum tho.

He recently asked me to accompany him to New York this summer for a week long vacay (just the two of us) he also wants to pay for me to get my passport because he wants us to travel out of the country together but yet we’ve never fucked, we aint never been together and as far as I see we arent headed down that route but every time we see each other we kissing and hugging and feeling and talking like tomorrow don’t even exist.

Jamari I feel it in my gut, in my heart and in my spirit that this man is soulmate.

But how tf do I navigate this situation?

MY ANSWER…

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