i just got this email tonight from my hosting company…
Continue reading “How The Storm is Looking For The Foxhole Now” →

soooooo….
yesterday liar liar was promoted to supervisor.
i guess she got the cosign she was looking for.
she also got a super duper raise.
we now have to go through her and not our boss.
we also now have to request days off.
before we just sent an email and didn’t show up.
okay cool.
i sent her a email yesterday saying i wanted the day off today.
i needed a mental day because its been a rough week.
i sent the email at like 4 something.
no response.
i asked her if she got the email when i saw her.
she said…
Continue reading “I’m Super Tite” →

FOXMAIL

Let me start by saying this is Malcolm, I’ve been a faithful follower of your blog for quite some time. I want to just say to you that your blog gives more than just eye candy..It gives the readers, which is a body of various men from different walks a life, a connection in regards to what we have all experienced in this lifestyle. It gives us instruction of how to respond and carry ourselves when dealing with the bullshit that this lifestyle often brings and lastly HOPE that one day all of those things will lead to the man of our dreams…

I don’t know if this is really an advice FOXMAIL or just me giving a testimony but here goes:

2014 has been a emotionally exhausting year in a sense. I had just moved back to Philadelphia in January, after being away for 5yrs (attending college, living and just trying to progress thru life) so when i came back i figured since i just graduated from college in December and i was back home I was about to TURN UP and big things was a ‘gwon down’ buddy like my foreign relatives would always way LOL…BUT it was the exact opposite…I was accepted into this competitive forensic science program but didn’t have enough aid to fund it being that i didn’t get my STEM scholarship so i couldn’t go. JOBS kept telling me i either didn’t qualify or ‘over-qualified’. i had to live with someone for the first time in five years, and being on your own for such a long time then having to stay with someone is a BIG adjustment…ESPECIALLY when the person just ‘tolerates’ your lifestyle…they know, and so do you, that they abhor the way you live and think.

After being sexually abstinent for almost 7 months i had grown lonely and wanted some attention…so i did my casual perusing online and found a guy. He was 5’10, dark skin, nice physique and his dick game was beautiful…YES i said BEAUTIFUL!!! LOL  he would pick me up in his car and take me over to his house faithfully. Our little affair happened for quite some time..until one night i was sleep and my phone was vibrating like crazy. i’d received a  few random text messages. one that read” who the fuck is this number in my mans phone i seen this number in his call log” so i replied “you have the wrong number’ and she responded with his name and everything. Saying that they lived together and had children so i knew she wasn’t lying. She thought i was a female, and i played it off. I just don’t and won’t EVER out a man just because I’m out doesn’t mean my man has to be. However, when i tried to cut him off he became angry. He began texting me saying that he needed his fix, that he wasn’t going to stop talking to me and began acting stalkerish, then after him i began dealing with another guy, who turned out to be a drug dealer who also became very demanding. i became scared and flustered at the same damn time and i felt like the weight of everything was beginning to overwhelm me. After dealing with that and the frustrations of everything..i called my mother, she and i are very close and i share with her pretty much everything about my life..after hearing what i went thru she said baby come see me for awhile you need a break…i changed my number,relocated to stay with her for awhile as i planned my next move and etc..it was nice to get out of the city…and at first i was worried that i would never bounce back again. Upset that someone as hard working as i have was in dire need. out of boredom and curiosity, I tried the relationship thing again here. i met a guy who i told you about in that one entry who was a soldier, with two children he said wanted a relationship and that he was out with his sexuality. He’s about 5’8 with locs to his shoulders, dark skin and has the most dazzling smile. He would hold hands with me and kiss my hand when we would sit and talk. We dated for two and a half months before having sex, and i felt he was the one. I even mentioned to my mom about him, yet he eventually came forward and said that his family DIDN’T know about him and that he still wanted to see me, but i felt in regards to his actions and how he was growing even more distant, that he had someone else or that it wouldn’t go any further…so fast forward to now my little hiatus paid off..I’ve been given a salary position that starts in November  back home. I’m about to start classes again in January at my dream school and to top it off my mothers job has a special program that allows employees and/or spouses/ children of employees to attend with a 40% tuition discount allowing me to attend ..so it’s like i finally got my head on straight again…

i just wanted to THANK YOU!!!! all of your journal entries just kept me going…and the wisdom from other loyal readers of your blogsite: THE MAN ( i swear that brotha is prolific in mind and doesn’t even know it and the fact that he’s only 21 blows me away), Zen Buddha, Lindo, and etc. I just want to say to you all that NO MATTER how dark it may seem at times, LIGHT will always PREVAIL..GOD BLESS..KEEP LIVING and KEEP fighting in your pursuit of LOVE, LIFE and HAPPINESS!!!!!

MY ANSWER…

Continue reading “f0xmail: Thank You/Testimony Letter” →

when you meet someone that’s interested in you,
the first couple weeks of getting to know them are usually amazing.
well this is if you didn’t pull ya drawz down on the first meeting.
so when i met ( x “him” ) couple weeks ago,
it was heaven sent.
well in the end,
i didn’t get the wolf.
we were supposed to meet,
but the situation didn’t pan out as expected.
i was okay with it and moved on.
he just wasn’t the one for me.
well he wasn’t for his boyfriend as well.
yeah i didn’t see that coming either…
Continue reading “Well He Forgot To Mention That Small Detail” →

i believe in thanking people and acknowledging what they have done for me.
if someone does something for you,
either by taking time out their busy schedule or helping you out in a jam,
it is best to send them a little thank you note.
(sidebar: after every job interview,
you should always send a thank you.)
you can either write it yourself or send an email.
since i’m a writer (can i call myself that yet?),
i always try to write a little something to show my appreciation.
this morning,
i sent off an email thanking mr. green for meeting with me.
this is what i wrote…
Continue reading “So You Not Gonna Say “Thank You”?” →

FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari,

I’ve been a fan of your website for a couple years and while I never comment (something I’ll fix in 2014), I have to say thank you to you at the top of the year.

Thank you for being open and honest about your struggles, hopes and dreams at all times. It takes an incredibly honest people to be an open book with complete strangers.

Through your stories as well as the stories of the people who follow your site, I’ve truly realized how complex the LGBT experience is. As a closeted male, I’ve spent 23 years of my life essentially turning an entire side of me “off”. I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been in a relationship, never had a meaningful kiss and I’m not happy because of these issues.

If you asked me a year ago, I planned on living in the closet for an eternity – I didn’t aspire for a relationship for fear of having to admit my truth.  I used to tell myself “You can’t miss what you don’t have”. I focused on my education (applying to Master’s programs at the moment), my family, my friends, ect. to fill the void that an intimate relationship would bring.

If you asked me NOW? I’m over it. I can’t change who I am, and while I’m not gonna make an announcement on my social networks or anything…I’m done lying to myself. It’s easy to lie to yourself, but believing it is another story. How can I trust others if I can’t trust myself with MY truth.

Again, the LGBT experience is so complex – in fear of losing the support of my friends or family, I’ve kept who I am repressed and I’m tired. I’m finally tired. I’m glad that I’m tired.

It won’t be overnight, but I plan on slowly being open and honest about who I am to the people that I love and the people that matter. I’ve watched a lot of my friends find their happiness being WHO THEY ARE and I’m not going to deny myself the same opportunity for an eternity. If my sexuality will make people forget that I’m a great son, brother, cousin, friend, acquaintance, ect…it’ll hurt but I’ll be okay in the long run. My family will probably come AFTER my friends. That’s a test within itself.

I can’t get back the time that I’ve wasted lying to myself but I can look forward to the time that I have to live in my truth.

Thank you and your readers for continually inspiring lurkers like myself who are seeking an outlet of expressing a side of themselves that they repress. Your honesty is going to inspire someone. No lie, this place has been a refuge for me in times where I wanted to cry for not being honest with myself. In 2014, better days will come. Stay blessed!

Signed,
I Just Wanna Be Happy

MY ANSWER…

Continue reading “f0xmail: Thank You For Being You!” →