Let Me Put This Underwear With The Skidmarks Back On

sadness just doesn’t go away.
it can be on hold,
but it still lingers in the background.
i can go to the maldives tomorrow,
stay in one of those huts on top the blue water,
and get banged doggy style every night in the ocean…

…if i’m lost with my life,
that feeling will never go away.
once the high wears off,
you’re back to square one when you’re back.
which is why everyone chases highs.


it takes you away for a little while,
but once you come back down,
you gotta deal with what’s in front of you.

opinion A

“you have this blog,
that has all these views,
and you’re working…

opinion B

“well you have all these views,
but you don’t have the influencer count to be sponsored/live off your blog.
not interested.”

that has been the outcome when i try pitching my blog.
that is where my sadness lies.
looking at a resume and having to go sit at another job,
another cage,
another “let me try to impress people with interviews i don’t care about”,
and another “i’ll give this 6 months until…”.
those last jobs have left me burned out and turned off.

that is the part that sucks.

not to mention,
unemployment is on it’s 3rd month,
and i need to be doing something soon.

that sadness won’t go away until i’m doing what i love.
leaving new yawk,
moving to asia,
living off the coast of mexico,
surviving in the mountains of thailand…
if you feel lost and UN-fulfilled,
you are basically taking a shower and putting back on dirty underwear.
i don’t have a issue with new yawk.
i have an issue feeling like i have to hop on yet another corporate slave ship.
after getting thrown overboard by two of them…
…and being “good enough but not good enough” with the foxhole,
it makes me feel worthless.

Does that make sense to anyone?

lowkey: when that ceo wolf said he saw my dreams,
would help me get to the next level,
and abandoned me like everyone else did,
that was a major blow foxhole.

8 thoughts on “Let Me Put This Underwear With The Skidmarks Back On

  1. We all share your pain and we all know that in the valley we are alone, God has promised that if we seek him and him only he will give rest, 6years ago I was at the same place you are now, I let go and allowed God to take the wheel, I still cried and wondered why how when but God knew I was trusting and I made it out of a very dark place, with no money really not even enough to pay my bills for month, I was being broken for my come up, I lost everything that did not mean me well, I know that you mean the world to so many, I found you years ago when I was going through, you saved me , with your life lessons, I knew then that I was not alone I had friends in you and your viewers, thank you so much I love your blog and I often think of how you are going to be glad like I that you were in the valley when you are on the mountain, knowing that it was for a purpose. Jamari now I ask that you trust and go to your secret place and ask God to help you light the way so you are not in the dark, ask him to hold your hand and guide you to your purpose, I have been where you are now, I had to be broken and blessed, Jamari faith is the key , please ask God to show you the way and trust that he is sainting on you, to knock so the door can open, I feel I was to share this with you because when we come to God all hell trimbels. God is the way, the truth and the light.

  2. I understand completely where you are coming from. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. What I tell myself and advise you, is to not quit trying to make your situation better, and remain faithful in Him that He will bring you to greater heights. Also you are correct regarding relying on temporary highs, because once the high comes down, you will back looking for the next one, and that is dangerous and unhealthy.

  3. Then Jamari, how would you achieve your goal of taking Inside Jamari Fox to the next level? It sounds like you’re at a half way point with your blog. Honestly, it seems like your views and things are quite an accomplishment (at least to me), but I guess for employers it’s not quite enough… I think you might need to brainstorm about how you take your blog to the next level. What do you think is missing?

    They say you don’t have the numbers, but has anyone given you advice on how to get there, in regards to the platform you have already established? It seems like you just need that bump but haven’t gotten there yet.

    This is the time to make that leap Jamari, your career is calling out to you, you know that you can’t return to the same old same old. Your time to act is now Jamari.

  4. You do a great job of breaking down the process that someone who is sad or depressed goes through. Most people think its just a simple process of if you seem normal or smiling one day you’re “Fixed”. It doesn’t really work that way, I have my highs from shopping, eating, and payday but like you said that brief happiness goes away once my mind goes back to the sadness. Praying, going to therapy, and trying to have a positive outlook only do so much at times other times it can be tiring.

    P.S. Sharing this blog with that CEO was really like you sharing your heart and for him not to even get back to you about it when he’s the one who egged you on to share it with him and said he would be able to do something with it no matter what kind of content you posted was a blow. BUT I urge you not to let that experience stop you from sharing this blog with someone in the future who could help you.

    1. ^THAT’S IT MIKEY!!!!

      you made tears come out my eyes with this comment.
      temporary highs don’t cure depression.
      those who suffer from depression can go to an amusement park and have a great time.
      as soon as they are back home,
      from wherever they live,
      it is back to that sadness again.

      you also are ON POINT with sharing my blog with that ceo wolf and what that meant to me.
      it was like giving someone my virginity and them never speaking to me again.
      so to now have to start back from scratch…


  5. Jamari, I have been in same situation but not corporate. I was told the real problem was in me. I buy into what was said and I abuse my self unconsciously which leads to depression. It may be cliché but depression is anger turned inward. I have a thinking flaw that my values don’t match my reality so I am constantly adjusting to make things balance so I can function. Its complicated to understand for me because its automatic, having developed over many years. Psychological distress is largely the result of a disturbance in cognitive processes. You might google this and see if it is a theory you might like to investigate. I am not a professional, just a patient beginning this process.

    1. ^i’m on the investigation because what you just said mike!
      thank you for the suggestion this!!
      i hope you can conquer through as well.

Comments are closed.