I Have Been Holding Onto A Horrible Secret

I think it is time to finally say it out loud.

Okay, before you think anything, let me warn you….
It is bad.
Not bad like AIDS or HIV bad.
No, I didn’t kill anyone or attempt to kill.
No running over dogs, cats, or other animals.
I pee standing up and I do not wear wigs.
I only stole once… okay twice… and I got caught and was scarred for life.
(Do you know what they do to pretty Foxes like me in jail?)
No, this is something more serious… or maybe it isn’t….

I, Jamari Fox, have anxiety attacks.

I am not perfect…. in that aspect of my life.


I do not know where they started from or how they got this bad.
Lately, I have been a wreck.
My mind takes me places and then it leaves me all fucked up.
It has been effecting me in ways you cannot imagine.

I have always been a worrier.
I think I got it from my parents, especially my mother.
She worried about EVERYTHING.
She worried about me taking the bus at 13, in fear of being snatched up and anally raped.
Little did she know, it depending on the raper.

Ok…. kinda not funny.

Either way, I am walking into a bigger things in my life and career.
Places where, unfortunately, I cannot bring anxiety.
I need to be always “on” and this is turning me “off“.
I start to feel like I am choking and then I can’t breathe.
My clothes start feeling tight and I either want to faint or throw up.
It is the worst because I HATE throwing up in public.

So I have accepted this sudden twist of fate… and I want to change it.
I know, it all starts in the mind but I feel like I am losing control.
It is something that CAN be changed…

… But how?

13 thoughts on “I Have Been Holding Onto A Horrible Secret

  1. Not bad like AIDS or HIV bad (what kind of sloppy ho do you think I am?

    I’m very disappointed in you Jamari for saying something like this even though you may be joking. This isn’t funny to me or the millions of infected people in this world who are. I’ve lost many friends and a brother to this disease, and NONE were ‘sloppy ho’s’.

    Most people with HIV/AIDS are NOT sloppy ‘ho’s’.

  2. OMG my Ex boyfriend was a Virgo and he had those panic attacks, especially when we would fight and argue, i remember onetime we were fighting and he passed out, couldn’t handle it, but i loved him so much he was like everything to me, until… well I always thought you were a Virgo Jamari….

  3. Co-sign the therapy… but the next time it happens center yourself–focus on a point at a distant location and take slow deep breaths.

    Also, invest in a good B-Complex vitamin which improves your mood, energy, long-term memory and decreases insomnia, stress, and anxiety.

    The first and last time I had an anxiety attack I felt like I was going to die– room spinning, eyes darting back and forth, heart thumping, throat constricting–but strangely knew exactly what the hell was going on. I centered myself and came out of it immediately by focusing on a single point and taking DEEP BREATHS slowly.

  4. I would also strongly recommend you get therapy. There are support groups around to help. Don’t be ashamed to go. We all need a helping hand sometimes.

    This. We (Black folk) tend to discount therapy & doctors. There are ways to deal with it – yes prayer helps, in addition to talking to someone. And it may not cost you a lot of change – some places do it on sliding scale/free.

  5. I know this might sound so lame but I learned to just pray. I know you might think ight duh I know I can pray Nerd, but I mean like pray and then let it go. Praying is one thing, but its the letting it go and giving it to God that we often have the issue. I think and have experience that once I give it to God, then whatever happens is meant to happen.

    Like my granny be saying, ever wanna make God laugh tell him what your future going be.

  6. I stress out too at times Jamari. UrSoVain gave you some good advice. You have to learn relaxation techniques. I have become a fan of Valerian, an herbal supplement. It helps you to relax and sleep at night but it’s also (good) and safe to use during the day.

    I would also strongly recommend you get therapy. There are support groups around to help. Don’t be ashamed to go. We all need a helping hand sometimes.


  7. My parental unit suffers from panick attacks. She’s a worrier as well. She gets them sometimes when shes driving and has to pull over immediately. I stress myself out a lot and I knOw I get it from her. Meditation is what she uses to clear her mInd. Some people use chemicals like drugs and alcohol. Other people use sex. The best any of us can do is take mental breaks. Go for walks. Get lost in an activity. Read a book. As we progress as a society we created these intangibles that are completely out of our control, most of them being financial. We have to decomplicate life as best we can and do things that make us feel good. It’s scary how most people don’t know how to relax because we spend so much time teetering on the edge of total annihialation. Or at least we think we do..

  8. You had me scared for a second Jamari. I have anxiety also, and it can get in your way sometimes. Yes, you can change it, but only if you keep your mind postive and stop expecting the worse. We as people expect the worse because the worse happens most of the time.

  9. Wow Jamari, first of all are you a Virgo? I am and worrying is a part of Virgo nature, but you seem like you are trying too hard and it happens to all of us in our quest for perfection. I always second guess myself after I do a project and beat myself up thinking why did I not think of that after its over and usually I am my own worst enemy because everyone ends up liking it. You need to stop beating yourself up, you got it under control. I used to have anxiety attacks when I was in Jr. High with a sick stomach trying so hard to fit in and be perfect, to some extent I still get these feelings especially when I go into a situation were I feel Im not in control. We got to realize that we can not control everything and let some of the worry go. I know easier said than done but just start practing in your head and reminding yourself, that you are not perfect and no one else is either.

      1. Hi Jamari! Remember me? 🙂 Its been too long. But I KNEW there was a reason I liked you! I’m a Virgo too! I love my fellow Virgos ^__^ It’ll be okay, letting go of anxiety is a hard lesson to learn. I concur with the above.

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