“It’s not my fault”.

that is what i said after a conversation with my cousin today.
healing can come in many ways unexpectedly.
sometimes,
we need to go back and really research our family tree.
we will find out what happened to us and how it started.
after hearing about how trauma started in my family,
i felt like i found a key and opened the doors to narnia in my attic.
many of my family members have one thing in common…

We all have abandonment issues

it helped me realize why i was attracted to the same type of wolf too.
every wolf that caused me the most pain was someone i wanted to repair.
in my head,
i was sexually attracted to them but i could help them see themselves.

No Jamari,
you had to repair yourself before you could even deal with them.
This is why none of those situations worked.

after we hung up,
i felt a sense of relief about everything we talked about.
my grandmother was a product of her environment.
my grandmother came from abuse and that is how she raised us.
a lot of my trauma stemmed from her but it was all she knew.
she didn’t want to raise her kid’s kids either.
i finally understand her and it gave me closure to move forward.
i forgave her within myself.

When I said I wanted to start over,
The Universe said,
“heard”.

thank you.