i get a lot of “panic” foxmails from dl wolves/foxes/and hybrids.
the main question i get is:
“animals,
and my family,
are asking why i don’t have a girlfriend.
i try to dodge the question,
but they still keep asking.
halp!”
well have no fear,
jamari fox is here.
this is my solution to that pesky question…
animals are nosy.
if you are private,
expect them to want a trail up your tail.
family tends to be the worst offenders.
they feel because everyone shares the same blood,
they are entitled to knowing the flavor to everyone’s koolaid.
once you don’t share your business,
it causes a chain reaction of gossip for the next gathering.
most of us are also nosy.
we low-key want to know whats going on with the animals around us.
celebrities
not quite celebrities
friends
family
everyone
its okay.
i have no shame in my nosiness.
if i didn’t,
the foxhole would be boring as fuck.
so when folks want to know our business,
i just look at it as part of the process.
the ying to the yang.
the “what goes around has to come around”.
the thing is…
you DON’T have to reveal everything about you
i think its safe to say everyone knows i have a smart ass mouth.
i’m also a very private fox.
mystery is still alluring and sexy.
some questions i’ll answer.
others will get “the deflect”.
you have 5 seconds to deflect a question.
once you start doing this:
“i!
uh!
eep!
opp!
ork!
ah-ah!”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…and it usually doesn’t mean “i love you”.
it means “i’m guilty of whatever you’re accusing me of in your head”.
so the best answer is usually “the beyonce”.
show all teeth,
shake your head,
and give no answer.
if you feel like you have to answer then:
“i just haven’t found anyone.”
“i’m dating a few people,
but no one stands out.”
or my favorites:
“why are you so interested?
you got somebody for me?”
“you are so damn nosy.
i don’t ask about your relationships.”
the last two usually throw folks off.
now you can go get a beard for “outings”,
but then it will prompt other questions:
“when will you marry her?!”
“are you guys thinking of cubs?!”
“do you guys see yourselves moving in together?!”
…and that just creates more lies that will tangle you up in the future.
you know black folks,
especially family,
don’t forget.
so when confronted with the nosy,
just:
don’t answer
give them a bold response to throw them off
its all in how you handle your deflect.
you are your own publicist.
start learning to be a master at being elusive.
any questions?
low-key: if you are an open book,
like your instagram tells your life story,
then its kinda hard to deflect anything.
people will wonder why you are so private all of a sudden.
for that life,
bold responses and actions are usually better.
your job is to create “drama” anyway.
give people something to talk about.
Just recently started dating. Me and my bae was out getting something to eat. This lady pretty much tried to clock us because we were sitting so close together. My bae got angry and refused to talk to her. I was nice just to get her to go away. She stopped talking eventually. The funny thing is gay women dont face the prying as much as gay men do. They can hide themselves but eventually the world will accept some form of them. We have to hide just to be part of a family and society as well as to be respected. I love my lesbian sisters but we share same sex attraction and thats about it. Our experiences are different. With each side facing greater danger depending upon the experience. For gay men, the backlash is far greater and society teaches us this over and over again.
@tiredofbs….you know I had something similar happen to me this summer. A good friend of mine and I went out to lunch one Saturday. We went to Havana Central, and I noticed our waitress clocking us the entire time, talking to the other waitresses and shaking her head. Now we were friendly and joking with her etc., so I guess she wanted to confirm something for herself, so she sent one of the other waitresses over to our table with our drink refills. So I told my boy, I think they think we’re a couple. Now he’s a straight, fine as hell Blatino, who’s a born-again Christian so he started to laugh. So we had a little fun with her, and then she went over to the other waitress and whispered something to her, and she had this I knew it look on her face. So when she came over with the check, he said to her would you like to go out on a date with me? She had this confused look on her face, and it took all I had to keep from busting out laughing. He said, yes or no? She said, but you’re with him (pointing at me). He said no…this is a very good friend of mine and we meet up for lunch/dinner every now and then…you assumed we were a couple because we played your little friend over there into thinking we were. He saw you watching us and shaking your head. She was speechless. He said now how would this play out if we were to tell your manager about this little incident, but because I wouldn’t want to see someone lose their job…we’ll keep this to ourselves. I looked at her and said, so remember don’t assume because you see two men together that they’re a couple. And he said to her I was just kidding about taking you out though…I don’t think my girlfriend would take to kindly to that.
The age old dilemma for most educated, good looking decent Black Gay men. Str8 people never seem to get it. It does not matter that you never ask anything about their life, they still wanna be up in yours. Thankfully now that I am seasoned some may say old LoL, I dont have to deal with that as often as I did in my 20’s when all of my male cousins were popping out babies left and right. For me, I have always maintain a very low key str8 persona around my family members and many either probably assume, I am either Gay or Downlow , or just a male whore with lots of girlfriends who wont settle down, believe it or not it is a little easier when you are tall and big and look the part of a str8 dude, even family members who I think would have figured it out by now still tell me about some young lady they want me to meet. It is really gotten worse since I started my gym journey and added this muscle, my sisters friends thanks to seeing me on her social media are always trying to get a hook up, she just tells them I have a lot of girlfriends and she doesnt do hook up with family members.
I know you have to live your life and it shouldnt matter but with family members, I would only tell those that it matters too like your parents and even then, do it on your own terms and when you are ready, because many times in Black families they only use this info to throw shade and have something to gossip about at the next family function. I have come to realize that most str8 people think they are better than you and you are somehow less than because you are gay, they view it as a sickness or you as a joke, I havent ran across but a few who really respected a gay persons relationship or how they live their life.
If all else fails, tell em you like sluts, hoes, strippers etc, I had a co-worker who is married and husband give me all kinds of downlow vibes ask me why I wasnt married, and I told her because I like sluts, she was not ready, she tries to be religious so she was shame when I told her that and she has never ask me anything again, and of course she is one of these who talk bad about gay men and I just sort of smile to myself thinking when that husband of yours comes out. It is always the ones who are worried about you, who have unsuccessful relationships, are married to gay dudes themselves, or just plain miserable and need something to talk about so that they can think they are better than you because you are gay. At the end of the day, we have to remember who pays our bills, we do, so we really dont owe anybody anything about our life. Never confirm until you are ready.
Because I’m still in education getting my qualifications I always use that as an excuse lol.. But I have a huge family but they’re all scattered all around the globe (my parents are “foreign blacks”) so we don’t have family gatherings that often unless we fly abroad or extended families fly over here to see us.
I’ve been asked that question a few years back when I was in high school by my nosey aunt and an estranged “uncle” but I just shrugged it off because it’s easy to just say “no” when you’re a young school-kid because nobody thinks much of it. But I was recently asked this question by my driving instructor (I know, THE NERVE) and I just said no. And the other person that recently asked was my agent for modelling and I just came out to her telling her I liked guys since she’s a lesbian so I didn’t think much of it.
But that question is one of those questions that can make any closeted/”discreet” gay guy freeze up in the heat of the moment
Long time reader here but first time commenting. I recently experienced this during the Christmas holidays. I tend to use many of suggested responses already so I am glad to see we are on the same page with that. I will agree with some others and say that it does get frustrating to go through what feels like an interrogation when it comes to your love life. I recently had a close family member ask me the big question about my sexuality and I told her that I love who I love and at the end of the day it may just be someone of the same sex. She told me she would still love me regardless but like Jamari said I think that I am more of a mystery to people and they try their best to figure me out but I’m just a young man enjoying life and trying to make the best of it. Hopefully this wasn’t to long and off topic…I may look into commenting more.
Before June last year when I wasn’t out to my family especially, my favourite line was “Right now, school is important and right now I don’t have the time to put energy into a relationship. I’ll have all the time when I’m done for a significant other.” I mean partly, it’s true but on the other hand, it was just a way to stave off their inquisitiveness. Now that I’m out to them, the question isn’t asked as frequently or at all. Other people, I straight up tell em it ain’t any of their business.
I have never understood why some straight guys are interested in another guy’s sexuality especially when it is not a family member or friend.When they ask me if some guy is gay , I always respond,”Why? Do you want to date him?”😃 They usually get flustered ,pissed,start cursing and say they are not gay.I say ,”If you are not gay why do you care if he is gay or not?”They never have a good reason for asking.LOL.
Y Colette you stay on it, I have been reading your comments for awhile now and I have to say you seem like a really smart witty confident chick.
RIGHT, Y Colette comments are good. Clever woman.
Yesssss! That is always my response when “hetero” guys ask if another guy is gay. I mean damn, why else would you want to know? Do you wanna get with him?!
^love you ycolette!
that’s always going through my head as well…
They KEEP that conversation going in my barbershop! As soon as a guy walks out, someone is quick to say that nigga gay, DL or whatever. Yeah…meanwhile, I peeped your ass checking him out on the low. GTFOH
I had to deal with this on a regular basis. My aunt was always going on about me needing to have a girlfriend. I was so embarrassed when I found out from another family member that my aunt was telling the female nurses that work at the hospital about me. I actually went to visit her one day and she’s telling me about one of the girls talking bout “she’s single with one kid and she’s around your age, you don’t mind dating a woman with children do you?” I just nodded. But in my head I was doing a FACEPALM. Y’all already know I’m an introvert, add to that I’m very self conscious. Didn’t help that I was too shy to even talk to a girl and pretend I was straight. If I had come out they would’ve had preachers on some exorcist shit, trying to get the homosexual demon out of me.
Zen either your Aunt was clueless of your sexuality and just one of those people who just means well, but she could be one of those people who knows your sexuality and just pressing on the issue because she is very miserable.
I’d say all of the above.
LOL. I would’ve been like, “nah auntie, I don’t want any women with luggage…and they gotta be light skinned with long black curly/wavy hair”
Bet you’ll get them off that subject then…’cause then they’ll be on you about being prejudiced against dark skinned women! It’s all about diversion! LOL
Great post Jamari, no lie I was thinking of this topic earlier today. I have very nosy family members mainly on my dad side, I have this one Aunt im about 5 seconds from checking her. This one lady who lives across from me tries to stay in my business, always telling me how good looking I am and why am I single. I told her because I am and I haven’t find someone yet. She said well I hope your looking because your a young man you suppose to be dating. Then a few months ago she tried to take a picture of me talking about can I take a picture of you, because I have female coworkers who are single and again I said no I’m good. I thought about that for a few days after and I got so pissed, I was waiting outside by my car waiting for her because I was about to check her. What I learned is that a lot of miserable people who have their own issues love to feed on other issues. I also know from personal experience when you don’t talk about your love life people want to figure you out. Sorry for this long comment, but it really touches home close to me and I have so much more to say about this.
^tell her:
“auntie i’m good.
i’m focused on _______ (career, job, or school) right now,
but when i need your help,
i’ll ask you,
okay?”
short,
sweet,
and to the point.
Thanks Jamari but she’s one of those people who can’t help herself and will continue to ask away. I will say that I have let my sexuality hold me back from getting a newer job and hold me back from family functions and I am going to end that this year.
There’s always the Daria route
Look at your family member as if you’re bored and answer ” I hate everyone.” And then walk off. Always works for me
^lol mikey.
does that work?
that will make you look angry.
The idea is to come across depressingand uninterested so they will drop it. 😆 But I don’t have this problem since my family either knows I’m gay( because I don’t give a fuck) or assumes I am.
On another note Jamari. I am looking for new shows to watch. Are their any shows you recommend on netflix or any cable shows?
Or just come the fuck out. It gets draining lying all the time.
^well technically you’re not lying at all.
you’re just not giving anyone anything if you’re private.
“i just haven’t found anyone.”
anyone could mean literally anyone.
you didn’t say a “girl”.
i haven’t found anyone in the life.
******
“i’m dating a few people,
but no one stands out.”
people.
you’re dating as a gay/bi but haven’t found “anyone who moves the meter”.
******
“why are you so interested?
you got somebody for me?”
again: somebody.
see what i did there?
so its not lies kareem.
Love the last one, J! That’s what I usually come back at them with.
If they say yes, I say they better not be crazy, broke, or a crackhead.
But I get questioned about why I don’t have kids or I’m not married (when I’m dating).
When I respond to those two…I get people PISSED at me. LOL
^c…
you know how its done.
gotta have these pineapples and she-jackals out here mind wondering sometimes lol
I understand but in the black community. You know they pry and speculate
Imagine a family member is AS BOLD F**K BACK and says “Yes, I met this amazing NFL player guy who tell me his looking for someone independent, intelligent and handsome like you- love to put you in touch” LOL
Or you can just say,
“Because I’m gay…and don’t want a girlfriend. Got any phine, single, brothas you can introduce me to?”
^or that would be a bright idea if they wanted to come out the closet.
good advice tho.