fuck this 2020 holiday season (that’s the loneliness talking)

i was playing video games and a wave of sadness washed over me.
a dude i’ve been interested in has been on my mind,
along with many questions i have about him,
but that helped pulled me under the current of distress ive been feeling.
the holidays are usually really tough for me.
it tends to enhance just how alone i am in this world.
when i asked my sister to live with me,
i thought that would help make me feel that sense of family.
the pandemic during this holiday season really made me feel the loneliness really hard…

social media is gonna trigger me.
it always does during the holidays,
but this year is gonna be different.
i know many of us are gonna be alone this year,
but we will definitely see those breaking social distancing rules for the turn-up.

I feel empty.

it’s like someone dropped a pin inside my soul and i heard every ding in my spirit.
the silence is really loud when you’re wanting.
do i want people around me or do i want him?
why him?

i should be used to being the lone fox in these forests,
but when you’re in a form of house arrest,
it doesn’t feel good.

i plan on cleaning my apartment.
that’s “the plan“.
i want to binge queen’s gambit and try to get farther in “zelda: breath of the wild“.
i have a game night with karaoke I’m excited to attend later that night.
she planned a “friendsgaming” for those of us who are alone this year.
last weekend,
we did r&b bingo that had me performing more than i was playing.


even with all of that going on,
something still feels like it’s missing tho.

9 thoughts on “fuck this 2020 holiday season (that’s the loneliness talking)

  1. I know how you feel! This year has been a roller coaster ride for me and many others. This year I faced death twice personally. My sister died from the virus and just recently I lost a close dear friend to cancer. It’s been a tough year, but I keep moving, living as much as I can. I did get a nice promotion at my job which garnered me a bigger pay check and I’m grateful for life in general. I do see a better year coming and we just have to stay hopeful for better days. I am going to a friend’s home for a Friendsgiving dinner. I want to and need to do this, but with safety in mind. Life is so short, enjoy it as much as you can with precautions always.

  2. Holidays are so pagan, commercialized, and historically demonic. The only benefit are the off days and getting paid double (Xmas and stuff). I’m getting more and more detached from them as the years go by.

    Blessedly I’ve been employed even though business is slow. Now that I’ve learned they’ll give me the month of December I ain’t definitely complaining.

    I’m at a stage of my life where all space and peace of mind is also priority so I couldn’t care less what others do on social media. Let me lay in bed, listen to some music, and read some erotica.

    I’m actually more concerned about 2021. Jan 20th to be precise.

    But yes, I understand you.

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