FOXMAIL
What’s up Jamari!
I first just want to tell you how much I love your blog. Keep up the great work!
I am writing you because I need your advice and I value your opinion.
I am a 25 year old shy, very private gay black man. Within the past 2 years I came to terms with my sexuality personally. I’m not out as of yet, but assumptions have been made my entire life at least since I was like 7 or 8 ( that is the earliest I remember being called names, given weird looks, and being made fun of). I knew I was just different from my brothers. I didn’t know what it was at that young age but I felt and knew I was different. Everywhere I go my sexuality is always a topic of interest whether it’s a a job, school, amongst professors, friends, and people I don’t know. It annoys me b/c I am so much more than my sexuality. I am truly a great person.
I’ve always been asked where is my girlfriend and had people pick and pry into my private life which I hate! I am a private person. Other questions I’ve been asked were Do I like girls? Are you celibate? Do my roommate talk to girls? Why am I so quiet? (The person said I must be gay because never have anything to say LOL smh) Do I treat girls when I take them out to dinner? And that is just a few. Yeah ridiculous! But all of those questions come from those people who have made fun of me and etc.
I call those questions test. Depending on how I answer the person asking the ? would make their assumptions about me.
A bunch of indirect ?s seeking a direct answer. ( direct answer meaning YES I am gay)I don’t have anyone to confide in b/c I have trust issues. I truly believe there are more Curious people than Caring. Letting people in makes me vulnerable and scares me. They can take what I reveal and use it against me if they want.
My relationship with my parents is cool but never had that close mother/son or father/son bond with them. I don’t really have a close relationship with my siblings to the point where I would openly talk about my feelings and problems. We get along and I enjoy their company but we never have heart to hearts. I don’t trust them like that b/c a lot of my suffering started at home with them and if I piss them off they are quick to press my buttons especially the one I’m writing about now.
I have friend in California who I talk to on occasions. We have been cool for years. I remember him trying to hook me up several times with girls he know and girls we went to high school with but deep down I was not trying to talk to those chicks. I think he knows. We had a conversation one night about how he don’t understand the lifestyle but also don’t care if someone close to him was gay. (His sister is gay). I felt at that moment that what he was saying was directed towards me. I was too afraid to speak up to tell him.
Currently my other friend and I have been hanging out. He stays with his girlfriend who is cool as well. I thought about telling them too but my friend is religious and he and his girlfriend have spoken negatively about homosexuality. They are cool people but very closed minded.
I know once people start to find out or I guess once I confirm what others have been thinking all along a lot is going to change. Personally I don’t think I could be cool with folks who would talk bad about me the way my friends talk about other gay people either on TV or who we see in person.
At this point everything in my life has come to a standstill and the only thing that continues to come up is my sexuality or that’s the only thing that stands out b/c its fresh on my mind. Maybe it’s a sign? IDK
My question is,
What do you think I should do?
MY ADVICE…
well reader,
thank you for this f0xmail.
definitely a change of pace from my last one.
people would question if i was gay.
as a cub and as a teen.
like you,
it would always be the topic.
its not that i’m flaming either.
it was because i was “different”.
i use to be painfully shy and really awkward.
when you aren’t loud,
people assume you’re gay.
its a strange assumption,
but whatever.
add on my overt-religious parents who were so fuckin’ scary to me.
they would throw subs about me dating vixens or “going to hell”.
recipe: mental disaster.
i can thank my parents for secretly sabotaging my life.
anyway i grew up trying to wear wolf fur like my peers.
dating vixens was cool,
but i knew they just wasn’t “it”.
i was enslaved within my own insecurities.
i didn’t trust anyone,
especially straight wolves.
they always bullied me and made me feel less than.
meeting star fox was the best thing that happened to me.
he was also like me.
people assumed he was gay because he loved fashion,
didn’t date vixens,
and was also “different”.
i’m starting to see that people don’t like “different”.
it scares them.
it makes them ask questions.
pry.
they want to know:
“why he ain’t what i’m use to?”
it wasn’t until my parents died,
star fox was in my life full time,
and a few “official” wolves gave me the pounding of my life…
…that i started to come into my own fox fur.
star fox held my hand and let me just be.
nowadays if someone assumes i’m gay,
it doesn’t effect me like it once did.
i live my life as a discreet fox.
end of story.
people also underestimate how ignorant i can get.
my mouth can be real reckless.
i will knock your head off and won’t feel the least bit sorry.
plus like a fox,
i observe my victim before i strike.
these days i’m more respected than i use to be.
it all came once i started getting it together.
reader…
you seem to lack confidence.
its literally drippin’ off your words in your foxmail.
you can come out the closet tomorrow,
but if your self confidence is shot to hell,
you’ll just be out and insecure.
insecurities don’t go away once you are “out”.
you need to work on you.
get your life together.
get your career in order.
once you start doing things that benefit you,
and your bread starts to stack,
people’s opinions of you won’t mean shit.
everyone talks about everyone.
i don’t give a fuck what anyone has to say about me.
look people at my job think i’m gay.
i also think half of them are fuckin’ useless.
its not what people think of you.
no.
the real question is:
What do YOU think of them?
its like the wild.
animals can smell fear.
so if other animals can sense questions about your sexuality bother you,
that will become your “button”.
if people know where your button is,
they will press it each time they want to put you in check.
you keep fallin’ for their bait.
time for you to find these random people’s buttons.
“you pressed mine so ima have to blow yours the fuck up.”
lastly…
if you do decide to come out the closet,
i say clean up shop.
you don’t need assholes in your new life.
you don’t need people who will make you feel insecure.
you need to get out there and meet a “star fox”.
someone who will guide and protect you.
someone who will show you the ropes.
someone who will love and accept you for you.
before you do that tho,
you need to start trusting people.
give everyone a rope.
that is the only way you will grow and find yourself.
i hope my response helped you in some way.
if you have any questions,
or just need someone to talk to,
please feel free to correspond with me in email.
i wish you the best on your journey.
its not going to be easy,
but once you get the hang of things…
there will be no stopping you.
love,
jamari fox
It’s amazing how much feedback is being written, and how there are so many people dealing with similar experiences. Some are more extreme than others, but the overlaying message is “you are not alone.” I use to think as a child (heck I still think) that I was the only one dealing with this; and so I use to bury all my feelings and emotions. It was caustic, yet it also made me strong. Older me always wonders if I’m doing the right thing because I can’t walk down every path. Yet, it’s interesting to hear other people’s story and empathize.
This post is my life almost everything you wrote I have been through the same thing. I remember growing up as a young boy hearing family members talking about me, I’ll never forget one of my aunts holding up two pictures one of a shirtless man and the other one a lady in a bikini and asking me which one do you like. I remember other grown family members laughing mind you I was only like 5 or 6. I also had other cousins say hurtful things about me. I use to have the closest relationship with my parents when I was young I adored and looked up to them. I remember my parents especially my dad always saying how being gay is wrong and use to make me act more masculine which I did. Sometimes he would look so disgusted at me when I would act a little feminine and that hurt me to the core because my dad was my hero. Me and my mom had got into an argument when I was probably like 9 or 10 and she told me all your going to be is a little faggot. I busted out screaming and crying my dad was even pissed and made her apologize. To this day I have never forgiven my mom for saying that to me. I’m not here to bash my parents because they do love me and have given me a great life and are still helping me with certain things in my life, but I have so much anger towards them which leads me to disrespecting them every chance I get. I’m not proud of doing that but I just can’t shake the past. I have also been closed off to people every time someone gets close to me I push them away. I have no REAL friends that I can just call up and talk too and I think everyone needs that. January 2012 is when I discovered Jamari’s blog and I’m so thankful for that. I was the one who last September wrote the fox mail Your Foxmail Doesn’t Know What They Do. Im going to say it again thank you everyone.
Sorry I meant Your Foxhole Doesn’t Know What They Do.
Eric…your message makes me feel so sad for you. :'( A lot of love from London, England.
^so touching Eric.
im so glad you can come here and find some refugee.
thank you for sharing that with us.
it helped someone out there.
also thanks everyone who also had something to add.
it’s amazing how we don’t know how other people have lived until they start talking.
Thanks MB and Jamari. I don’t feel sorry for myself but this post really did something to me that I had to share some of my life trials and tribulations but we all are going to be good.
I am digging how all my favorite contributors in the foxhole responded to this post…Not surprising, given the gravity of this young dude’s challenge and the thoughfulness of the aforementioned foxes and wolves. Dead up, all of you who responded above this post, I love yall. I do think one line stands out: The final sentence in the initial response of “The Man.” Yes.
CORRECT!!!!!!
Do you but that means living out loud or with at least with dignity. I’d say get a few gay friends and that should give you more comfort with your sexual orientation. See how they live their lives and be you. What you do sexually is your business but sexual orientation is more than sex.
People are not entitled for you to make a declaration about your sexual orientation. Straights don’t do it.
Do you but you’ll likely have a more fulfilling and happier life the more you are not secretive about who you are. But no need to rush. You can come out in stages or just by living your life and neither confirming nor denying but allowing people to come to their own conclusions.
I hope that you find my advice helpful.
Wow, almost shed a tear reading this, young brother, I felt your pain, most of us have been at this very spot at one time or another in our life. It is hard being different in a big ocean of the same and especially when that same doesnt respect or acknowledge your existence and even goes out of the way to be hateful and nasty. It took me a long time to get to a place of comfort and understanding and Im still a work in progress, and still have doubts and insecurities surrounding my self thanks to the bang up job the world has done by constantly beating it in my head that I am a freak of nature who is nasty and vile. Even the strongest among us, have holes in our shell fighting the world.
I found what works for me against those friends and family members who are so nosy is to start really seeing their life for what it is. I can almost guarantee anyone who is worried or concerned about your sexuality, watches a lot of TV, never reads books, never travels, never tries new things. These people are boring and nobodies who you should even concern yourself with. People who are engaged in living dont have time to worry about who you are sleeping with. Work on bettering yourself both physically and emotionally. Get out and live and do different things and open yourself up to meet different people. If you are a cool person, people will gravitate to you. I wish I could take every dude like you under my wing and tell them the does and donts of this lifestyle, using my past mistakes as an example. You come to the right place, I feel these dudes in the foxhole are my cyber brothers who love me, appreciate me and check me as well and we will do the same for you. I cant even began to tell you, how this blog low key has probably save my life some days.
It truly gets better as the ad campaign says from a couple of years ago, just keep living. Keep a positive attitude and spirit. I laugh now when I see old acquaintances from the past from school and work who use to throw shade who now run up in my face wanting to be my best friend. I done a total transformation on my body and personality, Im still low key and private and it eats the haters up not being able to figure me out. You have to finally stand up to yourself and let everyone know that you will bust their head in to the white meat if they try it with you.
Tajan! Can we be foxhole buddies? R u in TX?
Man, i felt every bit of this. Almost felt as if it was being centered around me during the first few paragraphs. I’m the same way that you are Tajan. I’ve moved away from my hometown and every now and then when I reach out to those ppl or go back home I get an occasional side eye or whatever, but then I think about where I am in life and what encompasses that. I have ppl in my new town that like me for all that I am and couldn’t care less even though I am a discreet guy.
One thing that I would urge this young man to know is that he should never let his sexuality define who he is nor encompass every element of his life and that is foreal. Be you, bro!
Aw man you made me smile with that one LoL, anyway, I tell you what, I will email Jamari with my email address, if that is okay with him and you can email him to get it. I would just put it on the foxhole, but as a victim of a cyber stalker a couple of months ago, I am beyond paranoid sharing anything personal on the world wide web.
I can relate to this reader. Although, I found the person asking the most questions was myself. Jamari’s right, you’ve got to come to terms with yourself if you want to take on the wolves and lions in the jungle. So, take one step at a time like getting to trust someone and then start shaking the cares off.
I can relate to this, and I will add a little to it. It would be great to find someone you can relate to, but first learn to be comfortable with your own company. It all starts from home (your self-esteem/worth). This is an every day struggle.
I am very different from the norm, but I can assimilate almost anywhere as well. I’m not really masculine or feminine in totality, I tend to waver on both ends from time to time so for most “typical” people as I call them, I’m hard to understand. I’m reserved, very private as well, don’t talk about fucking girls or have any interest in them like that so I’m weird (to them). If they’re not assuming I’m gay they’re assuming I’m some weird psycho monk that has no interest in sex or any of that stuff, but no, I just can’t share it with them because my interests are men. How are they going to relate to me talking about a man’s phat ass making me hard or the way it would feel for a man to be pounding my brains out while he holds my waist and is kissing me in every possible place? Or his beautifully sculpted chest and arms, or cute facial features? Or how his voice and energy is a turn on, or the way he treats me, his personality, my type of man? etc. They can’t relate to any of that.
We don’t fit the norm and you’re going to have to accept that people literally have no understanding of what it means to be gay. Hell, most gay people don’t even know.
If you’re comfortable with yourself, you have no one to justify to, or compete with. If people are speculating then let them. If people ask questions, answer in clever riddles to throw them off.Not because you should hide yourself, but because its your business and your right to your privacy. In my opinion, its not your business or concern what people think of you UNTIL it affects you i.e them bringing it up to you, or them falsifying your reputation etc.
Once everything with yourself is in order you will know who your true friends are because your sense of who’s really “for you” will be heightened BECAUSE you know who you are and what you’re looking for; what compliments your needs etc.
You are absolutely right about sexuality not being everything as far as our identities are concerned, but it seems to find its way into many aspects of our lives and in some respects, affects how we turn out so it is a bigger thing than I once thought.
“I truly believe there are more curious people than caring.”
👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾
Yes, to that line there are so many people who are just nosy and just wanted to have you figured out so they can rest easy or spread rumors with what they know.
After I left high school years ago I didn’t give a fuck who knew I was gay. Just like you everyone with suspected or knew. There comes at point where you have to worry about you and let others thoughts of you falll to the waste side . Try to do a little opening up with not those around you but yourself as well. What you think of as shy and awkward could be the thing that attracts you the wolf/fix of your dreams .
Very well said Jamari, I agree with every word. Also, people are already discussing your sexuality anyway. It’s pretty safe to assume that the people closest to you already know, coming to terms with your sexuality would probably lessen the chatter. You really have to own every aspect of your life and not allow individuals to use it as a weapon against you. Being gay is only one part of your life and I’m sure you possess many other amazing attributes, don’t allow people to tell you who you are and CERTAINLY do not allow them to bully you into being anyone other than yourself.
Woah, this hit me like a ton of bricks.
Your story and my story are almost identical.
Except when I went away to school I was virtually forced out by my granny who clocked my BFF and found me guilty by association. “You like boys?” “Nah girl, I like men.” Hey, it was do or die and I was graduating soon sooooo…. LOL
But seriously, Jamari is right, once you channel and harness that inner bad bitch, everything will come into focus.
Whoever is for you will be for you and whoever isn’t, well that’s more space in your life for POSITIVE energy.
We tend to hold on to love albeit rotten love or what we think is love for fear of going it alone. Whether you know it or not, you are amazing and have gone through more at 25 than some who are 50.
It is a process – I’m 27 and “out” where it matters most for me. The privilege of knowing me is just that. No one is entitled to you or your life story and heteros AND homos often feel that way. Do you but do not concede or conform. Live YOUR life, YOUR way. I hope this made sense. Anywho, I believe in you! #itGetsBetter
It’s shit like this is why I don’t fuck with people. I hate when people feel I owe them something when it comes to my personal life. I wind up pushing people away because I just don’t like being cornered.
Live your life bro. I know it is tough, but at 25, you cannot care what others think. If they clown you, get rid of them. You need to find a friend in this lifestyle you can trust too. Many dudes just need that one friend to make them feel comfortable.