when i feel the urge to do something,
i usually act on it.
other times,
i don’t and stay in a “what if?” place.
these days,
i usually go with my impulses.
something told me send star fox an email.
i know he won’t respond,
but i felt this urge to speak to him.
i felt down tonight and wanted to talk to someone.
he randomly popped in my mind.
since i still have his contact info in my phone,
i decided to draft up an email.
since i share everything with the foxhole,
i wanted to share what i wrote him…

star fox,

i hope all is well with you. i miss you so much that it’s really hard for me to write this knowing you will never write me back. it’s not possible for you to write me back, sadly. well, things are so hard right now without you in my life. sometimes i sit and say to myself, “you’re really gone. like, this is for real”.

i was thinking about the time you dragged me to that gay club. “secrets”. remember that? you dressed me that night because i had nothing to wear. that was the night you gave me that accessory i still have. well, you wanted a dance from that stripper with the bald head. ya’ll had this “moment” and you were planning your attack. i promised you the next time we went, i would pay for him to dance with you. whatever happens after that would be up to you. too bad we never got to do that. i wonder if that stripper even works there?

as you can see, this job hunt is a mess. i feel so stressed out it’s ridiculous. i wish you were alive because i miss having you pray with me. remember those times you would stop what you were doing just to pray? i really appreciated your dedication to God. even though you could be ratchet af, you were very faithful towards your word. i am definitely not on that level. you really don’t know how much i appreciated when you would do that for me.

how is heaven? was that corny to ask that? i know it must be better than being on earth right now. i don’t know what these idiots were thinking putting that orange demon in the white house. I’m sure ya’ll up there laughing at us. how are my parents? did you guys connect once you got up there? tell them i appreciate them coming in my dreams lately. they only do that when they know i’m dealing with a lot.

well i don’t want to take up most of your time. it’s late. i’m trying to remain strong, but it’s getting so hard. i feel like no one wants me. i feel invisible. i feel like i’ll die unappreciated. just like you. that feeling of giving your all to everyone and no one gives a fuck about you. i know you were taken way too soon, but with the route you were going in your career, i could sense you would have been a very big deal. i know you always saw it for me too. hell, you saw things in me that i still don’t see. i’m trying to make you proud. i really am. i really miss you tho. words can describe the pain i feel. anyway, let’s talk soon? in one of my dreams, maybe? that would be perfect.

i love you so much.
jf

i think i’ll be doing that more often.
i felt better doing it.
thanks for reading foxhole.