well almost.
it always take something to being you back real quick…
so as i’m coming back from the barber shop,
headed to the store,
my home-vixen called me bawling.
i literally had to stop and sit on someone’s steps…
her grandmother is on her death bed.
i remember that.
i tried to comfort and give her some kind words.
she knows i could relate.
2 times.
1 was totally unexpected.
it’s funny.
in the barber shop,
this fine wolf came in to get his cub’s hair cut.
his larger than life baby mama was also in tow.
i won’t lie and say that i wasn’t judging her in my head.
“how could he…
get with that…”
…and then i heard star fox “x” voice telling me to stop being superficial.
sigh.
i wanted to judge in peace.
damn him.
when i left,
i was thinking to myself about how in between blessings i am.
it’s rent week and i’m a little short.
plus i have a nice cable bill to pay.
when she called about her grandmother,
it brought everything back in perspective.
when you are leaving this world,
which you are never given a warning,
none of this worrying shit matters anymore.
bills will be wiped.
money will be handed down.
your things will be given away.
your existence will be no more.
you’ll just be “good times” to someone in tears.
i went and spent 30 dollars on food.
life will go on.
money comes and goes.
i’ll figure out the details as i go.
I will never forget my first months as a 25 year old as long as I live.
Depression kicked in and hit me like an 18 wheeler. I realized I was working a job that was literally killing my soul to the point I wasn’t sleeping more than 3 hours on a good night and hallucinating during the day.
It seemed like everyone I knew was pairing off, having kids, buying houses, and traveling all over the world for their careers and here I am working a job that pays me just enough crumbs to keep me coming back.
I was the one people thought would have it going on by this age. I had the natural intellect, the potential, and the drive. Now fast forward 7 years later and I have to live back at home because I can’t afford to live on my own and pay student loans and other expenses.
I felt like a complete failure. Everyday that little voice in my head was telling me “This is it. The end. Just end your existence.” Every. Single. Day.
Finally I just climbed out of the roof one night and just leaped off to see how it felt.
Most freeing experience ever! You assume there will be terror as you fall through the air, but it’s liberating.
That jump killed all my fucks to give. Of course my family wanted to have me committed to mental institution after that though.
Oh God Jay. NOOOO!!!! Don’t do that ever again.
JAY …………………….. I’m speechless
I’m sorry for your friend it’s never easy to have a loved one facing death.
I so agree with the point your made above that life goes on money comes and goes. We all just have to figure out how to deal with shit as we’re going thru it . I ‘me going thru this now worrying about this and that and in the end it won’t mean shit.
That’s why I can’t wait till I’m dead. I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s nice to know that this shit won’t last forever. Especially when I have a mental breakdown. I just think to myself “remember, death will put an end to this suffering.” Knowing I have an expiration date calms me down because it lets me know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Death is only sad for us, not the person who has died. There was woman who died in her car from accidentally inhaling the fumes as she slept. They said she was working four jobs. Now? She’s free.
That was an unfortunate accident. The woman did not want to die, but she was in effort to make a better life for herself. I wouldn’t necessarily call death the light at the end of the tunnel either. Life is what you make it, and you are young so your life is till ahead of you. Instead of waiting for it to end, start trying to enjoy the days you are here and make the best of them. Bad circumstances do not last forever.
^i know suicidal thoughts all to well.
it’s not easy to think positive when shit is hitting the fan.
like constantly.
you are in this cage and everyone else seems to be happy.
it’s like:
“How do I become one of those shiny people?
so free…
no regrets…”
it’s a glitch in your mental hardware.
I have the same glitch and believe me,
it took a lot to get the wiring corrected.
I know where zen is coming from.
it’s not easy,
but he has a support system in the foxhole.
we got him.
^Zen…
why do you want to die so bad???
are you okay???
Death is like Christmas. Christmas comes once a year. Death comes once a lifetime.
Even though I try to be, I’m just not happy in the least bit. I really don’t care if I die. I remember hearing that if you pray for death then it will come but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve been wanting death for the past ten or so years and it hasn’t happened yet. Of course I don’t wanna hurt my family but they’ll move on. Everybody always does. Especially my one-track minded family. I guess I have to wait since my mom would probably be bedridden for the rest of her life if I did die. Don’t worry you guys. I’m content with sticking it out until I’m old, gray, and wrinkly. Lord! that’s gonna take forever. 🙁
Now that I’ve thought more about my response, I’m not really content at all. It just sounded good saying it. I don’t think I could harm myself again. The only thing I ever did was try to slit my wrists with razors when I was younger but it took too long and was too difficult to cut deep enough so I stopped. That’s part of the reason I also stopped attempting to hang myself. Thought about shooting myself but I don’t wanna leave a mess for whoever has to clean it up. I guess I’m just stuck till it’s my time. That’s all I can really say. I had to put on a fake smile a month ago because my mom found my suicidal letters(from years ago) and was asking me if I was better now. My whole life I’ve been telling people what I think they want to hear and doing what I think they want me to do. I’ve been holding my tongue on here so as to go along with everybody instead of looking like the odd man out. All of you guys have these mature opinions then there’s me looking like an idiot nitpicking and arguing like a child. I can’t let go more than I already have. I don’t know, I don’t know what else to say. If karma is a bitch then life is an obese bitch.
I’m sorry you feel this way Zen and I sincerely hope you make it out of this dark place soon enough, obviously without you harming yourself. This site is my guilty pleasure and I’m always on the look out for your comments and views which btw are very far from childish arguments. Without attempting to downplay what you are going through, life does have its crazy challenges but it also has quite a lot of good in it as well, and I suppose that’s worth fighting for and sticking around to explore and enjoy. “Suicide doesn’t not eliminate the chance of life getting worse, suicide only eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.” Best wishes.