When i first met “insert dumb bitch here“,
i loved her personality.
I thought she was absolutely amazing.
We related on the same things and it felt like she embraced me.
She felt like a someone i use to know…
and THAT should have been my first clue.
As we became cool,
I started to notice something that gave me pause.
She would always talk about mutual friends behind their backs.
One of her friends was trying to start a career and she legit dogged them out.
In that same friend’s face tho,
She was all smiles and acting like she was in full support.
People never realize I peep the little “big” things about them.
I wasn’t surprised when i found out she was talking about me with the same people.

character.
oftentimes,
we can get confused with personality rather than character.
anyone can have a amazing personalities out here.
it’s how we introduce ourselves to people to make friends or gain networks.
it can lead to a ton of followers and even stardom but…

growing up in the hood as a kid,
i was scared to let anyone know i liked “white music“.
when i was found out,
i was laughed at and ended up giving away my cds.
it’s wild the things many of us go through to be accepted,
all while doing what we really love secretly.
i’m looking at you DL males.
lately,
i’ve been exploring into different genres of music.
i’m way past sticking to the same hiphop and r&b shit i done heard 1,000 times.
while going down the rabbit hole,
i ended up listening to a group i never thought i would be into.
Foxhole…

control.
oftentimes,
we have a need and a desire to be in control of other people.
that can create a lot of resentment and a breeding ground for toxic situations.
when we are out of control,
that is when the real “us” comes flying out.

Insecure
Panic
Jealousy
Envy
Letting all kinds of disrespect slide
Being nasty and disrespectful to others

on the low,
my mother had showed me how she was self control in relationships.
she had a big learning lesson with her first husband but she learned quick.
when she entered relationships after that,
and it was revealed that many of them were actually jackals in disguises…

you wanna know who taught me how to keep secrets?

Star Fox’s parentals but mainly his father.

he was the first person who taught me to move in silence in a room full of jackals.
not only that,
he taught me that he couldn’t keep my secrets either.
i learned to be grateful for making me the stealthy fox i am today.

when star fox first saw me,
he always said that i was going to be his friend.
not only that,
we came out to each other.
one day,
being young and gay af,
we went to old navy and bought matching shirts and the bag that came with it.
i know but we were best friends.
he didn’t care how gay it looked and honestly,
i didn’t either.
we found a way to finally be comfortable in our skin with each other.
i’ll never forget when his father saw it…

dark.
pitch black.
devoid of light.
that is what this season feels like for me.
hell,
it seems that way for many of us.
i have read your messages to me.
i’ve heard your cries.
hell,
i’ve cried with you.

This season feels like we are in the dark.

…while it seems like others are basking in the light.
the worst part is that you’re asking yourself…

i’m trying not to fall victim to sadness this christmas.
i’ve been avoiding all things that would make me feel depressed.
i don’t feel low energy tbh.
i’ve been on chill mode.
there are things that def can be done if you don’t want to feel sad.

Movies
Binge a whole series
Video games
Books
Cleaning your crib
Going into the city and taking a walk since everyone is elsewhere

it’s just a day that will end in more than 24 hours.
for 2023,
i asked myself what i would really want for christmas this year…