my parents use to worry about everything.
my mother,
mostly.
God bless their souls,
but they really did me a disservice by witnessing that.
it wasn’t even about like traumatic shit either.
it was irrelevant “easy to fix” shit.
so i grew up worrying about everything.
from:

am i attractive?
do people like me?
how gay do i come off?
am i ever going to be “anything”?
am i doomed of a life of being single?
will i be homeless if i don’t find a job?
is being a loser who can’t get it right in my future?

today,
i was about to write a whole apology entry…

there has been an issue with a redirect on the foxhole.
a spinning wheel game on amazon.
i have tried everything to fix it.
i called my hosting company and they found nothing.
no malware or viruses.
it’s bizarre why this is happening.
i ended up slipping into a worried state,
but then i said to myself randomly:

“jamari,
relax.”

so i removed the ads and contacted the ad company.
no sense of driving myself crazy.
they gonna have to fix that.
if the foxhole loves and supports me,
they won’t leave because of that.
if some do leave…
then what can i do?
they weren’t meant to be.
just like wolves who left,
jobs that ended,
and other shit that worry didn’t solve or fix.

worry does nothing but create more worry.
i have worried about the end of outcomes that never happened,
while on the flip side,
i didn’t worry about others and got burned.
you can’t play fortune teller with life.
shit happens or it doesn’t.
sometimes,
most shit happens because of the outcomes WE chose.
i’m learning to just relax and go with the flow.
i’ve had many examples of when i worried over nothing,
so i should already know from example.
i think the problem is…

Expecting the bad shit to happen “this time”.

that’s the shit that needs to be worked on.