so i did something.
i don’t know if it was a good idea,
but i figured it was the right thing to do…
so my younger cousin called me last night in tears.
she was staying at her aunt’s crib after her mother passed,
but after a huge fight,
she was thrown into the streets.
that side of my family is really ignorant.
i don’t fuck with them at all.
well she was couch surfing until her surfboard broke.
she is homeless.
after her mother’s death i was contemplating her coming to stay with me.
well she definitely has no where to go now.
so i told her she could come stay with me until she got off her feet.
well i kinda regret that decision low key.
well the reason i’m saying that is because she is very unpolished.
stupid hood.
i also didn’t realize just how much of a product of her environment she had become.
i asked her how much money she has:
“0”
she was working,
but she got laid off due to all the drama in her life.
her mother spoiled her like crazy so now she has no sense of saving.
she is also short tempered and goes to pessimistic real quick.
she also can’t find her social security card and her birth certificate.
smh.
i called karaoke today because i was in the middle of an anxiety attack.
i felt all of air in my crib being sucked out.
she told me:
“you were once lost as i remember.
it took me to help you find your inner bougie.
help her.”
well she was right.
i don’t really realize how far i’ve come from when i was “a mess”.
i was once “her”.
not as messy,
but definitely not together either.
now look at me.
so i have a new 20 year old roommate.
yay?
one who is currently smoking weed in my living room.
this is about to get pretty interesting.
pray for me.
Why do young people think its so cool to smoke weed. This is daily not just on Friday or Saturday. Like many have stated set your rules and enforce them. Give her a deadline on how long she can stay.
Lift as you climb!
Now, here’s the plan:
1. Set some boundaries (folks who think they’re grown don’t take well to “rules” – gotta spyche them out)
2. ENFORCE THE BOUNDARIES
3. Set a time-table to change of address and hold to it – heart be damned. Do not enable learned helplessness.
4. This is a no excuses zone – there’s nothing she’s been through that someone hasn’t cried out to God at some point.
5. Have her take ownership of creating and following a plan. Review the plan, or create the template.
6. Clearly explain the timeline and obtain confirmation eyeball to eyeball – including what happens on the day of or after the timeline,
7. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to become an emotional crutch, or allow a victim mentality to persist – no talking about what “they” did you you, or what you’ve been through. Eyes forward.
These will help you keep your space free of negative energy and won’t allow her to think that she’s being saved. She’s being prepared. She has an immediate example that she can relate to.
The fun part: RING THE BELL, SCHOOL IS IN-SESSION.
Remember: I LOVE YOU, BUT I LOVE ME MORE.
Inner Mantra: I care, but an not concerned! MAKE IT MUTHAFUCKIN’ HAPPEN. You literally pay for peace (your home) allow no disturbance.
When we’re down and we help others, we actually help ourselves feel better.
Having said that, she’s in your space. Hopefully, by the time you read this, boundaries have been set. Should be absolutely no smoking of anything anywhere. If she goes out to get it elsewhere and smokes, she will bring the smell back and the scent may get into your things. Someone told me about similar situation just the other day about someone coming to his place smelling like weed.
Company: someone already mentioned this…should be none whatsoever. This may sound tough because she’s young and her hormones are raging and you may feel empathetic, but her bringing people to your place would be bad news.
I let a buddy stay with me for 3 months when he was in a jam. When we talked before he arrived, he said he would have no company. Unwisely but trying to be understanding, I said he could have overnight company on weekends. Big mistake: it was as though I suddenly had 2 roommates. Relations were strained. After 3 months, that was it. We even lost contact.
You could have her leaving with you in the mornings to go to the library and to the social services office. In my city, the the city employment department has computers galore for job seekers to use for free. They even help with resumes.
Also, remember you have been told you will be fired if you are late one more time.
Hopefully, she’ll be able to find something, even something menial, right away.
Last thing for now: any violation, she has to go, including evidence of bringing someone into your space or smoking.
Sending best wishes and positive vibes that this will work out. Would still try to get aunt’s side of story.
Could be a way of God using you to help her so he can bless you…ijs!
I can’t believe people are actually chastising you for taking your family in.
Would she be better off roaming the streets?
She lost a parent and she’s still fairly young and has a lot of growing up to do.
I do agree you need to set boundaries and expectations, but its obvious she also needs guidance because she doesn’t have anyone that’s going to take care of her anymore. Get those documents and get that resume tight and hit the pavement for a job.
I think she should be encouraged rather than receive threats of being thrown into the street everyday. No one needs to be kicked while they’re down.
I’m known for being an asshole, but I do my best to treat people how I’d like to be treated until they take me there.
Jamari, you might as well hide your porn and anything you don’t want her to see now and put a password on EVERYTHING!
She’s a black woman, she’s going to snoop or “stumble” upon something.
^my bedroom door will be locked when I leave for work.
you don’t even have to tell me twice!
Lol
i might throw a guest account on my computer so she can job hunt.
Awww that was nice of you. I know doing the right thing can be annoying but you have a major blessing if now more coming your way.
1) Hide all your personal belonging. 2) Set ground rules like um no smoking weed especially in your home. 3) Give her a time period of finding a job even if it’s not something she wants. 4) Tell her no company and watch who she hangs around. 5) Tell her she needs to watch her attitude with you this is your place your rules if she doesn’t like it she has to go. 6) Lastly, after all that tough love show her that your their for her that’s your family, she’s still a baby that’s only 20 who lost her mom. So, just be that big cousin who can help her get on the right track I know you can. Just remain positive and instill positivity in her everyday. You can do it dude.
I think it was very nice of you to offer bendito, but you should have kept your fat mouth shut
Jamari. Give her a three month timeline. And she needs to get her ss card and birth cert stat. Then continuously job hunt daily. She needs to pull her weight while you’re at work. So she needs to get da cookin. Don’t let her into your business. And teach her a few things. It’ll be O-TAY!
I just got out of situation helping my family. I will say set guidelines and rules off top! That is your house.tell her she needs to find a job or something. And set a timeframe now when you would like for her to accomplish those task. If she does not adhere to your rules etc u know to cut her loose. I have helped several family 0 rent when times got hard. Some help and some didn’t all to say. I have my place back to myself after 5 yrs and it’s great. Protect Jamari first.
^thanks t.
after reading the comments,
i don’t feel as nervous anymore.
I guess I was so use to being alone that someone coming in my space was kinda intimidating…
Oh no, not smoking a joint in the living room lol. I know your crib is smellin right now.
^yes that shit was strong and def was in my bedroom.
Tell her no smoking man! That’s YOUR crib!
That smell gets in your clothes..and people will think it’s YOU doing the smoking!
My cousins used to do that. Had to put an end to that mess REALLY quick!
^we just talked about the smoking.
that’s def done.
plus she needs to be clean for these potential drug tests.
SET GROUND RULES JAMARI, ITS NOW OR NEVER!! If you dont do it now, she wont take you seriosuly if/when things become a problem! Don’t enable her to mooch!
Please set up reasonable boundaries for her. Something’s gotta give. She can’t stay there for nothing! if she’s not working, your spot better be spotLESS BY the time you get home!, If shes not cleaning, she’ working, and saving, and looking for two jobs, or going to school or SOMETHING!
She should be grateful to you that you’re there to give her this opportunity to get back on her feet. Even if that side of the fam is ig’nant, she got kicked for a reason! approach this with caution.
on the low, i dont think she should be smoking weed on your couch so soon after you letting her in, i’m seeing red flags.
I wish you the best!
^im going to talk to her tonight.
definitely gonna have a nice sit down at the table.
if she is going to stay here,
she needs to know what i expect.
im gonna give her a chance and a very short rope.
I hope it goes well, for the both of you! Can’t lie, this situation sucks for you though, lol! I hope the Aunt takes her back!
Good luck!
You should ask your aunt if they know where her birth certificate and/or social security card is located. If they don’t, you and her need to take a trip to wherever they keep the birth records and file for a copy of the birth certificate. Then take a trip to the social security office and apply for a new card for her. Then she needs to put feet to the pavement and look for a job. In the meantime, as Dignified said…she should be cleaning or doing something while you are at work! My parents used to tell us that we could not stay in the house for free. We had to get jobs AND pay towards the bills and mortgage.
I used to envy my friends that didn’t have to do that, until I saw how it backfired on them. They never learned responsibility. So definitely stay on her!
^i knew christian was coming with the heat!
thank you because I had no clue with this birth certificate/social security card issue.
^LOL! Thats how I was raised too Christian! I have always been working, and cover most things myself, and when Im between jobs, I clean up a little. I agree with Christian 110%! First thing’s first, get that ish sorted out! I say she needs to priortitize job hunting HEAVY! Maybe that’d be your way of helping her Jamari? With her resume and stuff, and you can help her look and apply and stuff! It’ll be a good time to explain to her your experiences and struggles, and what will happen to her if she doesnt save. Its hard to save when money is tight and you got bills to pay, but when you’re living rent free and not going to school, not much excuse tbh.
But she got funds for weed tho? seriously… get to stepping
^she had the weed from her “people”.
im waiting to see what’s gonna happen when that runs out.
She is going to be asking cousin Jamari for his funds lol.
^ that’s what Im saying! All her dollas should be going towards her own place! I would feel like such a leech! You work too hard for someone to just sit around at your spot for free Jamari! IMO ofc!
^i agree.
ima work with her.
maybe she needs my guidance?
Sounds like it! It would be a great opportunity for her to learn some thangs from you Jamari! She’d be smart to listen and take heed.
The question is, if she wants to learn, because if she doesn’t, there’s not much point in wasting your breath.
But yeah, try to help out within your limits, at least she’s know she’s not alone, so long as she’s not ungrateful about the help she’s getting…
^i also wanted to feel a family again.
i guess I did it to feel some kind of connection.
I’ll be honest about that d.
Aw, okay man! Maybe this will be good for both of you! I hope so, it would be nice to have a good friend, esp. when its fam. Who know’s maybe SHE’S the one protecting you!
The world works in mysterious ways sometimes.
Keeping my fingers crossed for both of you guys!
^thanks d.
please keep me in your prayers and your fingers crossed!
Already on it man! I think you are doing the right thing. (at least for now)
Keep us posted! Hopefully this will be therapeutic for you guys, and drama-free. Set those rules and keep tabs on her. She will need it.You can do this, I have a bad feeling, but y’never know!
You deal with enough at work. I can’t imagine you come home one day to find some random pineapple asleep in your bed wearing your underwear. I’ll pray your aunt has a change of heart.
^ill personally escort her to the homeless shelter.
cool, we’re introduced to a new character. what will her nickname be?
^shit let me see if I can handle her lol
let me give it a week.