“why are you so scared to love him?”
that is what my cousin hybrid asked me on the phone yesterday.
it was a very interesting call.
me: almost in tears.
so this is what happened…
love is a strange word for me.
i have never been in love before.
sure i loved friends,
and i feel the love i have for them,
but i’ve never experienced the type of “love” a relationship brings.
i will admit that i have been scared to be hurt.
i saw others who loved someone more than they were being loved.
i didn’t want to ever be that.
always doing more for someone and not getting the same in return.
i guess that’s always been a fear of mine.
seeing how i have lost so many that i “loved” by death,
my “love” is always something that i kept guarded on top of that.
well that is until “he” came along last year…
i swear i been a mess with that.
i never “loved” any other males besides 3.
two are gone.
one i ended up having to call yesterday.
so i was having an issue and wrapped myself up in insecurities.
looking through my phone,
i didn’t know who to talk to without feeling judged.
for one,
i didn’t want to talk to anyone with a vagina.
vixens relate to things differently than gay men.
they will never “get it” or the struggles we deal with.
no amount of “yass bitch” will make them gay.
i stopped on “star fox” contact in my phone.
i never took him out.
won’t.
it pained me to know i couldn’t talk to him.
with “this” kind of issue,
i needed to hear his advice.
he made me feel safe.
i felt like i could be an idiot,
or what i deemed was “an idiot”,
and not felt like i was a complete dumb ass.
that’s “love” to me.
i decided to send my cousin hybrid a message.
he lives far away from me.
we aren’t as close,
but he definitely knows me.
this is what i sent him:
“i have no one to talk to.
this is why i feel some people kill themselves.
they have no one who will listen and not judge them.”
he answered immediately.
he called me 2 minutes after that.
the conversation was about my insecurities taking over.
how i don’t know how to handle “this” anymore.
how i felt so far gone and damn near crazy.
why am i so addicted to someone that isn’t fucking me?
why is this happening to me?
why am i worried where i stand?
why am i comparing myself to others?
why?
why?
why?
he told me to relax.
he made me realize that i “love” someone.
how can i “love” someone who doesn’t love me back?
who isn’t having sex with me?
how does this work?
“love doesn’t mean you have to have sex with someone.
you loved star fox,
right?
you love me?
you are a loving animal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that.”
he told me a story of a straight wolf who loves him.
strictly platonic.
they do things that are questionable,
and sometimes emotions can run high,
but it’s all “love”.
nothing sexual.
the wolf even told his family how much he loves my cousin hybrid.
they have a bond and are very best friends.
it’s funny how i equate “sex” to “love”.
most of us do in this life.
“the straights” kinda.
it’s also funny how cousin hyrbid made me see how i was get more “love”.
the ones who are getting “sex” don’t get what i get.
i wasn’t seeing that part.
i was only seeing what i was lacking in “this situation”.
the way he spoke to me made me feel like i was talking to star fox again.
he knows me.
he knows “the situation” and “how i am”.
for a while i felt like i was making a mistake.
i was out here looking stupid.
“What is ‘looking stupid’?”
i need to remove that from my vocabulary.
he made me feel like i was letting my insecurities overtake myself.
i would actually push someone away how i was acting.
it was like…
he removed himself from himself to put himself in my shoes
he made me see where i was going wrong.
how i was not “enjoying the ride”.
i was able to see how i’ve been acting yesterday.
today i handled things differently.
it was a much better day.
thanks for listening foxhole.
lowkey: cousin hybrid also showed me how i can’t control everything.
lol at me referring to him as a “crush.” More like obsession.
I know this is kinda late but Jamari please start writing about work wolf again. I actually went through something similar but I had to face the facts that it wasn’t going to happen between me and him because unlike work wolf, my crush has a steady girlfriend and they plan on getting married. I became so obsessed with this dude. The only way to stop myself from crushing was to try to convince my subconscious that he was ugly, and it worked… for a little bit. His voice alone is a big turn on. I’m so jealous of his girlfriend. Especially when they kiss each other in front of me. It makes me feel like even more of a weirdo freak that he doesn’t know how deep my affection for him goes. I can’t tell you how pissed I was that I had a dream with him in it in which I became lucid and tried to kiss him. And guess what?! This motherfucker wouldn’t open his mouth. I woke up like “How in the hell are you gonna control my own damn dream.” Makes no sense. The one time I’d get to be intimate with him and his dream-self ruined it.
This blog is many things and one of those things was supposed to be a journal/diary for yourself. You should be able to say/vent about anything you want. Regardless of how me or anyone else feels about it. You said you weren’t going to write about ww anymore for the new year but let’s just say you were trying it out to see how it would go and it didn’t work out. You shouldn’t have to keep your feelings bottled up. Trust me, I’m doing that right now because I have no one to talk to about what I’m going through mentally. My ww saga was just the icing on the already unstable cake to my daily mental struggles. I constantly flip flop from feeling good to bad to okay to “I wanna die!”
This blog is not called Jamari Fox it’s called INSIDE Jamari Fox. So let us in. Many of the foxhole commenters could be giving you some great advice on this situation like they have in past entries. And if anyone has a problem with you talking about work wolf or something else you’re going through, insert a Beyonce “to the left, to the left” gif, because no one is holding a gun to their heads forcing them to read it.
I wanna know what’s been going on from the last time you wrote about him, all the way to now. And don’t leave out any of your feelings on those happenings.
^ya know zen…
you are right.
that’s the reason i been so sad.
i haven’t had an outlet.
i literally edited my voice and that’s why i started this site.
i wanted to write about the good and the bad.
it’s funny how I get so many emails about him.
it’s also funny how so many have a “ww” situation.
Yeah, it’s your blog dude! No one should be allowed to police what you write about besides you (and arguably hosting companies but that’s another topic altogether LOL)
Love this comment Zen Buddha
I don’t know if your remember me, you barley respond when I comment (-_-) but I’ve been trying to build a relationship with god recently and I’ve been praying because I was going through something similar. God sent me a sign and I think u may need to hear it. I don’t think the way your feeling really pertains to that situation. I’m sure you going through an emotional roller coaster like I did. God revealed to me that if I want to resolve my personal issues I need to get to the root of my problem (my childhood, past hurts, forgiving those who hurt me etc.). You can cut a weed all you want, but it will grow back. What you have to do is pull it from the roots to make sure it doesn’t. God has a purpose for you! and what your going through isn’t for nothing. I’m not sure if your a religious person, but if anything else please pray.
^oh no john!
dont take it personal.
sometimes i forget,
but what you said made me have to step back and look at myself in the mirror.
i have been the creator of my own issues.
i can’t blame everyone and maybe i need to start doing some forgiving and letting go…
thank you for allowing me to see my mistakes.
Always good to vent to someone who understands you. Deal with your feelings head on and don’t second guess yourself about those feelings. Everything will work its way out in the end.
^i’m trying j.
i feel like i been in an upward battle as of late.
Yes, J, you are speaking about me right now. Love does scare the shit out of me and I even have worries about being with a guy who I honestly don’t love at all and vice versa. Love is a scary thing because it can make you happy, sad, angry and do a lot of crazy shit.
I do agree with your cousin. He sound pretty cool, but I would love to have love that isn’t sexual with someone like him. I’m gad you have someone to talk to cause I was a little worry.
But you always break my heart tho whenever you speak about Star Fox because I can sense you miss him a lot whenever you write about him. I wish he never took his life away. If he was that sad, all he should done is eat a piece of chocolate. Now don’t knock simplicity because all you muthafuckas always underestimate the simple things, but just remember this: How come y’all can remember the boy gave you a kiss or wrote you a sweet letter, but can’t remember when/who bought you the gold watch?
^lin…
your comment made me cry.
i wanted to cry and release these emotions and anger ive been feelin.
i don’t know what is happening to me these days…
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I’m glad you were able to have someone to be an ear and give you advice through this issue. Since you made the choice to stop writing about it on this blog I sometimes worried you were keeping it all in because of your fear of judgement or bringing up the same thing again and again. It seems like your cuz gave you exactly what you needed to hear.
^you are on the money mikey.
i stopped and just shut up about it.
in turn,
it has me bottled up and ready to explode.