52 thoughts on “The Mentality of Gay Marriage”

1. Eh, I read every comment and I stand by every word I said. I do respect the opinions of others, I’m just on the other end of the spectrum.

   Considering most of you guys consider yourselves apart of the community and I don’t, nor do I care about marriage unless it’s traditional, so your opinion on the topic may be more valid than mine anyway. Don’t consider myself superior, just definitely not included at all.

   Will I or anyone I know ever refer to two men as husbands or two women as wives? I doubt it.

   Great discussion though. The whole topic has made me much more active in researching the candidates for the upcoming election. This time I’m not limiting myself to just Democratic candidates like a lot of us are brainwashed to do.

2. OPM and Y Colette, thanks for your insightful comments.

   Too often people want to separate ethnicity from sexuality and make discussions about the Blacks and Gays, as though they have to be separate and apart. Some of us are both and comfortable in our skin as both. The racism/white supremacy and heterosexism on planet earth have been so pervasive that some of the oppressed have internalized it. In fact, some of those putting down other gays do so worse than some straights, the same way some blacks treat other blacks worse than some whites do.

   It seems like some of the commenters have had some really bad experiences with their gay brethren. It has been said doing the same thing over and over, if it is bad for you, is a sign of insanity.

   I have met messy gay people and I have met messy straight people, too. Therefore, I do not deal with either.

   I have cool friends who are gay and lesbian who have been in relationships longer than some of the posters on here have been alive. And, some have been legally married for a number of years. Before the Supreme Court decision was handed down yesterday morning, marriage equality was already legal in 37 states and the District of Columbia.

   Most of the gays and lesbians I know in my city who have been able to legally marry since 2010 have been black. It stands to reason, if you live in a majority white city, most of the gays you will see will be white. Also, keep in mind we are different from whites culturally. We don’t tend to live in gay ghettoes. We tend to live among our fellow blacks. Even when we take into consideration the class differences, blacks with money tend to live around other blacks with money.

   The blacks I know who are gay, including myself, are very active in our communities and are often the pillars of our communities. In my city, the leaders of the Black Lives Matter demonstrations happened to be young sisters and brothers who were lesbian and gay. This is how we role.

   A couple people commented that those who don’t choose to marry need not and should not. I don’t have any marriage plans myself, but I was very active in the marriage equality movement in my city. Why? Because black lesbians and gays just as black straights do not have the financial wealth of whites, period. And, many black gays and lesbians end up raising nieces and nephews and taking care of elderly parents, simply being both the caring and financial backbones of their families. And, those who have been in longterm relationships do not have the financial and legal protections of their married siblings.

   Marriage affords couples approximately a thousand benefits unavailable to co-habitating couples who are not married. And, no, they do not have to file taxes, jointly. I wanted our gay brothers and lesbian sisters to have the same rights and protections as our straight brothers and sisters, when it comes to the institution of marriage.

   Furthermore, all this talk about religion is really meaningless when it comes to marriage. President Obama said it best in his 2nd Inaugural Address, and I paraphrase him: he said, in the United States we have freedom of religion and freedom of no religion. Despite people wanting to sanctify marriage, it doesn’t matter whether it is performed in some cathedral, a grand mega church or a storefront church; marriage is legal entity, a contract. It’s not happening unless the parties go to the justice of the peace, usually in a courthouse, to get a marriage license. And, should they divorce, the preacher is not the answer. They must get the marriage (contract) dissolved in a court of law because it was a legal contract. People spend all this money on elaborate weddings and enter into marriages with major debt, when they could invest that money and start building wealth.

   As for those who pooh pooh same-sex marriage, the national divorce rate is about 50%; the black divorce rate is about 60%. Black LGBTs are not responsible for that. And, as far as the rhetoric goes from haters who have been saying marriage equality would destroy the institution of marriage, it’s mighty interesting that Massachusetts that has had marriage equality since 2004 has the lowest divorce rate in the country, while the states with the highest rates of divorce are the southern bible-belt states, with the exception of Nevada which is up there, too.

   History was made Friday.

   By the way, history was made Thursday, too, when the Supreme Court reaffirmed the legality of Obamacare/the Affordable Care Act as well as extended the Fair Housing Act.

   Brothers and sisters, we still have a lot of work to do. Freedom is not a spectator sport. We must be engaged.

   1. Preach brother. I couldn’t have said it better. It was disheartening reading many of the comments on this topic. You have set the record “straight”. No pun intended.

   2. Beautiful comment! Thank you.

3. I have noticed with a few Gay guys that I know it’s not that they don’t want to be treated as equal .I believe ,they don’t believe they DESERVE to be treated as equal.They believe they are and will always be less than,second class etc.because of what they have been taught.When I tell them God created them as they are,God doesn’t make junk, God wants them to love and be loved,they don’t believe me.It makes me very sad.

   1. Chile, speak that word! OMG. To be honest, it’s the same with African Americans at times. The feelings of inadequacy are so deeply rooted in the psyche that they begin to manifest themselves in thought and action. It is so sad to hear people speak so poorly of a group they belong to.

4. I am going to bed but before I go
   Black Gay men are not a monolithic group just like Black people are not a monolithic group.Some Black Gay men are shallow just like some Blacks are ghetto.Don’t paint everyone with the same brush.Obviously everyone has their own experiences but your reality may not be someone else’s reality.We all see things differently based on our history.That was evident to me by the post on Work Wolf where people thought he was Straight,DL,Bisexual and Bi Curious based on their experiences.
   Everyone doesn’t have to agree,we all have opinions based on our experiences.

   1. This is a very valid post but some people unfortunately some people feel that need to push their reality on you.

      Friday’s decision never forced anyone’s (among the LGBT) hand as far as the option of getting married. However, it seems like the black gays seem to patronize those who want to take advantage of the option to marry. We want to apologize for black anti-gay leaders to fit in, even though things are more complex than being “black first.” I want the black gays to win, but being big haters won’t make progress.

   2. Well said Y Colette.

      I’ve always been the type to just class a certain type of person as “idiot” as soon as they exhibit idiotic behaviour. I don’t care what demographic they’re from, white, black, gay, straight, poor, rich, catholic, muslim, or atheist etc.

      As far as monolithic groups are concerned, “idiot” is the only monolithic group that I consider valid because they are all the same. They’re all idiots.

      homophobes are idiots, racists are idiots, and gay people who discriminate other gays under the guise of “preferences” who inadvertently reproduce the false standards and ideologies of what it is to be a “man” or “attractive” are also idiots. They’re all jackals. In my head, these idiots are a non-factor.

      When we get the clutter of the idiots out of the way, we see people with real experiences,and real struggles, and just like us, they’re human, and just trying to make it just like everyone else and those are the people that I advocate for.

      Everyone has their reasons for doing the things they do, To the topic at hand, if gay men want to get married, they should be able to do that, since not everyone wants to get married nowadays anyway, I treat it with the same scrutiny I would a straight couple getting married. It’s there for you if you want, if you don’t, well then keep doing you. It’s the same, its just the same sex. Why would we be worried about the idiots and jackals that are going to take advantage of the system? They’re non-factors, and should be treated as such, this happens no matter what the benefit is, no matter the demographic, there will always be a rotten apple in the crowd spoiling it for the bunch, always, but not everyone is going to do that. There are still many who view the sanctity of marriage as sacred, gay and straight alike. That’s their views, and its important to them, so with this, I would hope that their dreams would finally become reality.

      Again, I just can’t be bothered enough with other people’s lives to “hate” on what they’re doing for their lives. As long as it doesn’t effect my life, I’m cool lol.

5. @JAY

   GIRL BYE!!!! You don’t even believe that.

   When I wrote that description, I wasn’t even applying to religious figures who weren’t necessarily warm towards gays and homosexuality. I’m talking about Christian figures who pro-actively tries to marginalize the gay community. They even lend their influence to third world countries where gays can be jailed and even murdered, because it’s “God’s Plan.” and the “Christian thing to do” That’s not even the tip of the iceberg….

   But that gays need to be the “bad” people.

   You’re just jaded at that (black) gay scene that you rather support images and figures that reflect your jaded view and reject those that defy it…..

   1. I stopped reading at Girl honestly…wasn’t the appropriate or respectful way to address me. Pet peeve.

6. So if a homophobe is anyone who feels LBGT ppl should be considered less than human, what are the gays that pay anyone that’s fat or fem dust? What are the bottoms that require all other bottoms stay 500 yards away from them at all times? What are the gays that worship anything light, bright, and damn near white? What are the gays that require penis measurements before a last name?

   1. Jay, Bro they not ready, you preaching up in here tonight, those bullets gone hit somebody.

      1. All I hear is how Christians and “homophobes” (aka anyone who isn’t fully accepting of homosexuality) treat them, nothing about how they treat each other and mask it as “preferences”. I’ve never heard a religious person straight up say “I hate homosexuals”, but I have seen and witnessed on mannnyy occassion gays berate and degrade each other as if they’re less than human, especially if they don’t fit status quo of what deemed attractive gay standards.

   2. What exactly are you trying to say? *shrugs*

   3. ^I know you’re making a separate point but those people that you mentioned JAY are a complete waste of time. They are people with no self-worth or values. they are merely shadows of a full human, homophobes are no different.

      1. Sorry Dignified but those people with “no self worth or values” make up the majority of gay culture. Those values or lack thereof, permeate through the culture and everyone in it.

         You know I rebeled for a while, but as time goes on I find myself reverting back to the values my parents and grandparents instilled in me and they don’t align with the values of gay culture. I feel like a human being, rather than a sex object.

      2. Yeah, that’s what I was getting at actually! I wasn’t defending gays at all actually lol!
         I’ve never used one of these dating apps for that very reason. I just don’t consider myself a part of that “culture”.

         I have my preferences, but I will never put it out there in such a way that it makes people that are: fat/fem/ “not light skinned” /”not mandingo” feel as if they’re not good enough. (<< not that those are my preferences) I don't care about skin colour or dick size ( I don't want to be in diapers though), I'm liberal in my views of masculinity, and "fat" also needs to be defined also, because thats more personal taste. I won't contribute to that garbage behaviour.

         But no. Most of these hur durr derps out here have laughable expectations of a man and expect him to "choose" them? LOL (As if he's the only one who's in a position to choose) All the while these same people with the expectations are basic af. LOL!
         They want a thirst trap like the idiot that is sucking off Tyler Perry for nice condos and jeans.
         I would have clicked right passed that guy for someone more "normal" in a heartbeat.
         Morals and Values are huge for me, and honestly, I'm starting to feel like an alien for having these values LOL! To piggy off what you said more: I AM a human being, and not a sex object, and demand to be treated as such! Those are MY values!

   4. “I’ve never heard a religious person straight up say “I hate homosexuals””

      Of course they aren’t going to directly say it. It’s like when white people say “you people”. Or the infamous “oh look who’s leaving: the black people.” (Ya’ll remember that lady) You don’t have to say “i hate black people” or “I hate gay people” for me to know who’s racist or homophobic. Your actions and words do it for me. In churches that don’t accept gays in their churches when pastors preach about “sodomites” who’ll be burning in hell all you have to do is watch them and that’ll tell you all you need to know.

      I definitely agree about all the issues in the gay community and people who chalk it up to preferences. Heck, i see it in the the comment section of this blog when regarding subjects about transgendered woman, queens, fems, ect….

      1. You make too much sense. I probably should have used the term “Anti-gay hostilities” which is well exhibited among many Christians.

         But in Jay’s eye’s, gays are bad people.

      2. You can’t see someone’s sexual orientation like you can see the color of someone’s skin. Racist or prejudice people react only on what they see. Some interaction has to take place for someone to discover your sexuality and you conclude they hate homosexuals.

         Sodom and Gomorrah was taught to me more in terms of unnatural sex is bad.

         What I’m saying is that if you feel guilty about how you lead your life, you very well could project that on to someone else that just doesn’t agree with your lifestyle…nothing more.

         Many people that freely admit they hate homosexuals have no religious basis at all for their hate.

      3. @JAY

         Not what i meant but let’s agree to disagree.

   5. I think that’s primarily on gay sex sites not the culture overall. Those sex sites are hookup based so no one is trying to get to know anyone they’re just there for sex, sex parties no substance just sex. But having gone out, traveling to different places, meeting gay and lesbian friends who are actually living versus the trade on those sites I see that it pales in comparison. I think the misconception is what is portrayed on these sex sites are the laws of the community which aren’t true. Lastly those sex sites are toxic because individuals measure their worth solely based off how many messages they receive on jack’d grinder a4a etc. If more people would step out of the social media thing and converse like we did growing up relationships would boom, divorce rates would be lower, etc. I went to a event recently for my school it was supposed to be a networking event and all I see around the room are people taking selfies and or on the phone texting missing out on the opportunity. I understand what you’re saying but I feel in essence for social media and easy access to each other on the worldwide Web we lost touch with our humanity and the ability to communicate effectively hence the many folks on these sites with this criteria and many of them don’t even have what they ask for lol

7. I never considered marriage to be anything worth fighting for, but at the same time, it’s pretty pathetic that we live in a world where were we still base a lot of our laws off of ancient values. Times have changed people. Let people marry who they want.

   It just seems brainless to discriminate against something that has very little impact on the world (homosexuality). The amount of people with prehistoric and archaic ideologies baffles me.

   It doesn’t matter to me either way but I think people should have the choice to marry who they want, end of story, and to the gays that get to experience married life, well good luck with that! Not my cup of tea

   I will never understand why people get so up in arms over decisions OTHER people make for their lives, that is causing no danger to anyone or has no impact on them whatsoever. You don’t have to agree with what they’re doing but

   1) Why do you care? No seriously, why?
   2) It’s not your life, not your problem.

   I just can’t be bothered to be concerned about anyones life but my own friend/family.
   I just can’t be bothered.

   1. Everyone of your comments hits a home run for me! Yes!!!!!! ^This twenty times over! I say this all the time! Basically: Stay in your lane!

      Why are Christians and homophobes so concerned about what gay people are doing in their bed rooms when it’s none of their business!?!?!? Mind your business!

8. Well I have heard older Black people in my family make similar comments about integration.Why do you want to go to school with those white folks? Why do you want to live in that neighborhood with them?
   This is about equality.This is about social security benefits.This is about adoption rights.This is about inheritance and estate taxes.This is about protecting families.Married couples don’t have to file taxes jointly whether they are same sex or opposite sex.

   Do I expect tons of Black Gay Man running to get married? No
   Since over 60 percent of Black women are not married I don’t see tons of Black straight men running to get married either.

   This is about choice,if you don’t choose to be married then don’t get married.
   Earlier I mentioned integration, If a Black student wants to attend a HBCU that’s fantastic but they should have a choice.My parents didn’t have the option.They had to attend the only all Black School in their hometown.
   Separate is not always equal

   1. Thank you for posting. You are spot on! What many feel today doesn’t mean you feel this way in five, ten or twenty years. Be careful what you hope or do not hope for yourself or others.

   2. I’m so glad someone said something because we live in a age where people will rather live together for years, with kind of security than marriage, whether str8 or gay. Of course here in the late teens to late twenties demographic will say that they don’t want to get married but the more I think about it the characteristics that I want from a relationship aren’t met by a situationship where we deal with each other, sleep with each other and occasionally go out. I need someone who cares about my overall life. I’m not trying to be 40+ still going through the same nonsense because community is rooted in homophobia and has subconsciously brainwashed many black gays to believe that we’re supposed to just exist and settle for whatever when it comes to relationships. As you said it doesn’t mean black gay men will go running in droves to the court house but it’s nice to know that if I meet the man of my dreams I have that option. Lastly foxxhole it’s been said that Oprah tried to persuade Stedman into marriage many times and that he didn’t want to get married. So idk to each his own but I’m not trying to be in my 50s still dealing with dl men, guys who are in relationships or perusing sex sites for trade lmbo

      1. YES, YES, YES….All of this!!!!

9. I didn’t care because I too never see myself getting married. It was actually the straights that made me realize marriage wasn’t anything special. If I ever fell deeply for a man, we could just live together and get married in spirit.

   1. When you fall deeply in love with that man and live together make sure you see an attorney to make sure you have power of attorney,medical power of attorney,wills,etc.Because if you are not married,you are not the next of kin.You guys can live together for thirty years and if he dies or becomes incapacitated you will have no rights.His family can empty your house,bar you from the funeral if he dies.I witnessed this happening.With marriage you can have a pre nup to protect your assets.If you are together for over ten years you can collect his social security benefits.

10. Meh, they’ll always be gold diggers and people who use other to come up. Not an issue of gay or straight but the greed of humanity.

    Trust me queens aren’t excited about this either. I remember years ago I overheard one talking and he was a drag queen. He said something along the lines like: “I don’t want to have to go through that divorce BS. Just pack your shit and go”.

    I’m mainly happy because this is a W for the “old” gays. I mean the ones that don’t play games and doesn’t measure long term relationships in days.

    The only difference between gay and str8 men are who we sleep with (from a emotional standpoint). The stereotype of str8 men avoiding marriage because they “don’t want to be tied down” applies to gay men as much as it does to str8 men.

    1. ^i agree.
       which is why i said i don’t knock anyone who wants to get married.
       go right ahead.
       jamari fox isn’t trying to get married.
       i’d be satisfied on that “oprah/stedman” special.

    2. Exactly. The black gay men need to feel that if they want the most out of life they should go for it. We need to stop settling…..

       It’s ok to not want something for yourself, but I find it petty for someone to patronize someone who finds something more meaningful than you do….

11. Jamari, I hope fixing the black community includes fixing homophobia in the black community instead of apologizing for black homophobes because we’re salty towards the white community.

    1. ^EVERYTHING needs to be fixed.
       we can start with the same church the marriages will be taken place in.

       1. Wrong. More like the courthouse in matching suits from ZARA lol

    2. What is a homophobe to you?

       1. People who feel in any manner that LGBT’s should be considered less than human. Some of us love supporting black figures that can’t stand us worth a damn….

       2. ^opm you made a great point:

          “Some of us love supporting black figures that can’t stand us worth a damn….”

          …but there are some who “support us” who really don’t.
          some do it because its good pr or album sales.
          you never know how manufactured someone’s image is.

    3. There is a fine line between being Black first or being Gay first. Yes Blacks are homophobic, but no more so than any other race. These same White gays are blackophobic, they are no different than there white str8 counterparts in their disdain for Blacks in general. Maybe in this new generation, things are changing for the better, but it is still a lot of racism coming from the white gay community that no one wants to call out. Also how is marriage going to fix the Black gay community, when we have a straight married Black community and Black America still has many troubling issues, dismantling institutional racism in our society is what is going to fix our community, more so than anything else.

       1. Tell that to the snow queen coons out here in SF. They’re having a big party out here w/ their white gay “buddies.” These bruthas out here don’t even identify as black…they’re Gay first w/ their blackness in a very distant 174th place.

12. LLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!

    I’m sorry. I wish black gays can stop it with the crab in the barrell mentality.

    I’m not going to say that say that the situations like the what the person quoted won’t exist (I’m a little more worried about gays getting married simple because it’s trendy), but why can’t us black gay men discuss how gay marriage can help the black gay community.

    If it was a mere title, gay marriage would have not had a chance at all. It’s about trying to protect gay families. But no, we want to talk about jackals. It’s like we love to get in our own way sometimes.

    1. ^is it “crab in the barrel” opm,
       or is it just a difference of opinion?

13. I feel the same way the poster does, to me this is more an issue with White gays who want to be accepted by their mainstream str8 cousins, they mimic and want to do everything the str8 do. I do not see a large number of Black on Black marriages taking place especially among men. As much as we hide from our family and friends who are str8, our lives, I highly doubt many brothers are going to be rushing out to put it on paper. Hell I told someone today, I cant even get these pineapples to call me back after I pay for a damn date out on the town, so I know damn well they are not going to run to the courthouse. I can see a lot of queens who will probably think this is cute to do without realizing the long term repercussions. I believe it is good in the sense of property and medical rights for long term couples who have to fight their family when it comes to the end of life. I have witnessed dudes who died and their family put the partner out a home they may have shared together and took hold to possessions that they may have acquired together. At this point, I think we need to work on maintaining good healthy relationship before we rush to the altar. I cant even tell you how many dudes who are in relationships now who inbox me on facebook trying to hook up, so I wonder if its a legal union will men change their ways, who am I kidding-Hell No…..

    1. If gay marriage was a BLACK issue, they’d be shit out of luck.

       I’m shaking my head at these Uncle Toms that had nothing to say about Charleston or Police Brutality but are out here with white people waving the rainbow flag celebrating right now.

       It’s going to be real interesting to see how this transpires though. I’m about to be laughing my ass off.

       This is a good time to be a divorce attorney. Lol

    2. ^the black community as a WHOLE needs to be fixed first.
       we have a lot of work to do.

14. Lmao I don’t hide.

    It’s funny though because guys that I’ve known for years are having inner struggles dealing with religion and their sexuality and it keeps them from ever considering a serious relationship with someone of the same sex.

    As for me, I was open to it in my late teens to early 20s, but now NOPE! Never would happen. Don’t personally believe in same sex relationships and it’s not even primarily for religious reasons, experience is my reasoning. There’s a reason the norm for same sex dating is so…tumultuous. The universe doesn’t have to keep giving me signs until I’m old and tired from stress.

    I’m a loner in general, but I’m more likely to get married to a woman than I am to even consider a relationship with a man at this point.

    1. It’s funny because I’ve been asking myself recently: “well I know I’m attracted to guys, but what do I want to do with them?” (other than sex lol) and I know that I want some sort of companionship, but a serious relationship? I just can’t envision that.

       I’m the same, I need to be alone for the most part, I’ll find ways to get my needs met. The idea of marriage just doesn’t appeal to me. I won’t knock it for those who find meaning in it, there just isn’t any meaning in it for me…at all.

       Same sex relationships can and do happen, personality, culture, and goals have a lot to do with it.
       When it comes to my life, its my way or the high way, I don’t compromise, and I can’t be bothered with people’s “feelings” ugh, I’ll just find my quiet corner where I can just “be”. That’s how my life should be.

       1. I don’t even crave sex anymore.

          I could very well be a monk in 5 years. Lmaooo

       2. ^Damn! Again you have the same sentiments! LOL
          My co-workers, who love to be all up in my business, keep asking me when am I going to get married. I tell them that I have no desire to be married. I like my lifestyle, and I don’t like to be tied down to anyone. When I want to do something or go somewhere, I can do it. What a lot of people fail to realize is that marriage isn’t for everyone. I honestly believe that a lot of people today get married for the wrong reason. They have this fairy tale view, when in reality they really don’t know their partner very well. Guys are pretty much forced into getting married. If a chick comes to me and says we’re getting married or it’s over…I’ll hold the door open for her. LOL
          You won’t force me to do something I’m not ready to do, just to make yourself happy (and have bragging rights, because that’s another factor). That just makes for a doomed marriage right from the start because one person will have resentment for their current situation.

          1. ^110%.

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