so what triggered everything yesterday?
the letter.
the letter i got in the mail letting me my ui is ending next month.
now i know you say:
“well you already knew that.”
i did.
the letter came at the wrong time especially after the following events.
its a little long read but i hope you read it…

1) so tuesday during the day,
i got a call from my  vixen friend who works at the temp agency.
she tells me about a job doing reception at a entertainment company.
she also tells me it could lead to a permanent position.
i get my things together,
iron my clothes,
put all the contents in my bag,
and go to bed with intentions of waking up for work.
she sends me a text yesterday telling me the job is cancelled.
why is it every time she hits me up about a job,
it gets cancelled?
why do you not have these jobs confirmed before you contact me???
well that’s when i decided to check the mail and saw the letter.
now lets talk about last week.

2) i had an interview last week that i was gonna keep secret.
it was a job doing pretty much everything i did at my last job.
that is what got me the call in the first place.
i told myself i’m not sharing it with anyone until i got the job.
im tired of looking foolish.
the interview went a little differently this time.
it would be conducted through video gchat from my laptop.
she didn’t live here,
but she had clients from various new york based companies.
remember when i told you i was bringing my laptop to apple to get fixed?
well the mic wasn’t working for whatever reason.
ironically i would need it a week later.
god finally comes through?
so i dressed up in my best,
ready at the allotted time,
and have the interview.
it was 45 minutes and she asked me questions that i answered perfectly.
she loved me.
they always do.
they see how professional,
charismatic,
and funny i am.
not to brag but this is who i am.
i asked her at the end how i did.
she said:

“well i do have other candidates to interview,
but i have to say you are on the top of the list for a call back.
i’ll get back to you by friday.”

sweet!
well i must of have did excellently because later that day,
she sent me a message and said she wanted me to move forward.
she was going to email me friday on what days she wanted me to go in this week.
friday comes and she tells me that the job is having some “issues” on their end.
she will email me definitely by tuesday with solid days to go in to meet.
well its thursday and i have nothing.
i sent her an email politely letting her know i was thankful and ready to start work.
no response.

3) now i don’t usually do this,
but i’ll go ahead since it was something that also disappointed me.
because this site has reached many,
including baller wolves and people who work in the industry,
i got hit up by someone who “knew” a celeb.
don’t ask me who it is,
but it is one of which i have mentioned countless times before.
because of an entry i wrote,
they liked how i do what i do.
i didn’t bash the celeb,
but i spoke the truth and actually gave him much needed shine.
thanks you you all reading,
you became interested in him very quickly.
now the way this person was talking,
you would think they knew the wolf personally.
hitting me up every day,
telling me to check this and go here.
maybe even write something about it.
okay cool.
i know how this works.
you pay your dues and they see how serious you are.
got it.
so they tell me to call the celeb’s pr agency in cali.
they said they helped some other dude get a job with them and i’ll be next.
left me the number to speak to the big boss directly.
i asked are you sure?
they said the boss would be expecting my call.
i was like “oh woooorrrrdddddddd!!!!??????”.
so i go and do my “pr” resume over,
listing all the stuff i have done,
and even adding this site which i keep low key.
i was really optimistic and excited.
when i called,
the secretary didn’t even know who i was.
never heard my name.
was not expecting my call.
i was so embarrassed.
immediately i hit them asking what was the deal?
what gives???
needless to say,
it looks like this person was just a stan who knew someone who knows the celeb closely.
they just wanted me to post about them from what im guessing.
i never wrote anything they told me about the celeb,
and i never will,
but you don’t fuck with someone like that.
the celeb lives in ny and i’ve even asked to meet in person.
i think ive proven myself on this site not to be trifling.
“i pray you will meet him soon”.
what????????
then when i call them on it,
suddenly i was the bad guy?
are you kidding me??????????
do you know how much that hurt me?
talking to someone you think was gonna help you and turns out it was all just lies.

4) don’t even get me started on the bitch at that agency,
who made me go to the library to do that microsoft office test,
and not even a reply to any of my emails.
wasted my time.

im not crying and pining over a wolf.
I’m not asking for a ps4 or an iPhone5s.
i’m asking for a job.
that’sall.
why is it so hard for me to get a job and not be bullshitted?
I’m tired of “i’m looking out for you”,
“i got you”,
and “i may have something for you”.
no i need you to stick to these promises and get me in a fuckin’ job.
i’ve worked retail,
and have no issue going back,
but those jobs can’t even pay my rent and bills now.
then i look at all the people i thought had my back and just smh.
the ones that when they were going through it and wanted advice or a shoulder to lean on.
they’re nowhere to be found when i need them.
when no wolf wants me right now,
people have abandoned me,
and now the job market is treating me like i’m trash on the side of the damn road…
how am i supposed to feel?
seriously?
i feel undesirable.
i feel like maybe i should have died that day during that carbon monoxide thing.
then the government wants to put a bounty on my ui by the end of the year?

…cue the breakdown yesterday.
i read the letter,
fell to the floor in my living room,
and just started crying.
the tears would not stop.
“i just want to die” would not stop coming out my mouth.
i thought about being used,
being treated unfairly,
and all the people who have done me wrong are working.
bragging about christmas.
i thought about the “friends” i’ve helped,
my ex boss email the other day,
and the fridge with hardly any food in it.
every time i closed my eyes,
i saw my parents and star fox.
i cried harder and harder.
i wanted to be with them.
i miss them so much.
not to mention the holidays are coming up and it has been a wreck on my emotions.
my first holiday season without my best friend.
its hard man.

so yes,
jamari fox is being dealt the worst cards this year.
i want to stay in the game and hope for the best.
i’m tired of losing.
tired of holding onto faith.
just tired.
i guess that’s all that needs to be said.