inside jamari fox

I’ve always had a soft spot for the old school hoes.

the ones who knew how to move in silence.
not just the 90s rappers and actors,
but the seasoned professionals of all careers.
the ones who knew how to keep things tight,
classy,
and above all,
private.
i wasn’t taught the game by attentionistos/nistas.
i learned from the real gold diggers.
the ones who bagged the blue checks or the finest of the fine,
whether they were straight or gay,
and like denzel said:

.they moved by a code and had poise.
when it was over…

i asked a friend that question today.

“When did the shift happen in your life?”

it didn’t come from spiritual twitter or seeing angel numbers.
for me:

It wasn’t the death of my mother.
It wasn’t Work Wolf or WW3.
It wasn’t the fallouts with “friends”.

nope…

What if masculinity wasn’t what we were taught to admire?
What if it was something quieter,
steadier,
and far more powerful?

when someone loves us for who we are,
not for our highlight reels,
not for our past,
and not for who they want us to be but:

The real,
unfiltered,
and sometimes ugly us.

yes,
the ugly us.
the one underneath the filters.
the one that has the demons and the insecurities.
when they don’t flinch or are embarrassed at our flaws.
the one who don’t play bout you and will square up if someone disrespects you.

You better hold on to them.
Tight. AF

i used to believe masculinity lived in the gym.
it was big biceps,
played sports,
and an intimidating stare.
some males,
sure,
but i’ve learned:

Just because someone looks like a man,
that doesn’t mean they act like one.

muscles don’t equal depth; a scowl doesn’t make you safe.
masculinity is not a role we play,
a script we memorize,
or photos we post.
it’s how we show up for ourselves and our loved ones,
especially when no one’s watching.
i thought about this when alex fine spoke out after cassie’s testimony yesterday…

jackals with horrible pasts have got to learn to shut the fuck up.
it is so weird seeing jackals with abuse/bad behavior behind them,
cosigning other people with abuse/bad behavior in front of them.
chris brown is always interjecting himself with tory lanez nonsense.
when he decided to put his fork down from eating his food to post ^that,
i have never seen such a fast turn around in “shoulda kept that fork in ya hand”.
he posted that may 14th and was arrested on the 15th.

according to “people“….

It was the “peeing in Cassie’s mouth” of me.
TBH,
I’m getting the impression he wanted to humiliate her.
In my head,
and strictly off my opinion,
he always styled her to look similar to JLO to me.
I feel like he had so much resentment over JLO leaving him,
he took his anger out on Cassie.
Peeing on people for sexual purposes always screamed humiliation,
but from a power aspect.
Submitting to my manz is sexy; peeing on me will get him kicked in the balls.

like the last election,
this diddy trial has really exposed so many people.
including some people i know.
it’s quite disappointing tbh.

“She would have left.”
“This is all about money.”
“She needs to be thrown in prison too.”

yet,
with some of these same people…

the day before mother’s day,
i had this dream about my mother i can’t stop thinking about…