Jamari Fox Doesn’t Live In This Forest Anymore

tumblr_mpupzsRMTN1rwe56eo1_1280i wrote the following earlier today.
i was in my feelings.
i needed to vent so i stopped working to write.
this is what i came up with…

i had a vision today.
i saw myself packing my shit up,
leaving a note on the table,
and walking out the door.
mi wasn’t home.
my phone was on airplane mode.
jamari fox was about to go rogue.
i told the movers to be careful with certain boxes.
in this vision,
a fox had funds.
i wanted everything gone before she got in the house.
i didn’t want to have to explain anything to everyone.
i just wanted everything to be a flawless execution for my exit…

its mean to say this,
but i want to leave this forest i’m in and tell no one.
i’m at this point where i’m just “ret tah go”.
i’m not happy.
i’m “in between blessings”.
i’m emotionally drained.
i feel like when i moved mi into my crib,
i expected her to do everything she said on the phone.
she did a lot of ear hustlin’.
lately it feels like i’ve been downgrading.
she eats me out of house and home.
her half of the rent has been short as well.
i have been coming out of pocket more than i should.
i’ve also had a few doctor’s bills i had to pay off as well.
do i even need to get started on these deadlines at my job?
or how the second row on my laptop isn’t working and i’m out of warranty?
yeah.
i come home and i’m ready to sleep.

*add how blessed i am and i should be grateful here*

tumblr_mjj6uxo8co1qaf90uo8_250maybe its today,
but i feel like i want to run to a new forest and never look back.
if i was paid,
it would just be my laptop and i off to the next adventure.
for whatever reason,
those “run fox run” thoughts are making me feel happy.
is that wrong?

lowkey: i wish i had more money.
i wish i could pay off all my bills.
this $300 credit card balance mostly.
every other bill paid down to 0 balance for september would be a dream.
god.
help.
tumblr_lyai3nDasH1qf2mkro8_250

26 thoughts on “Jamari Fox Doesn’t Live In This Forest Anymore

  1. You’re so preaching to the choir with this post, I feel so swayed by. Almost everything in my life. I’m blessed but with school, work, and one sided love life it becomes too much at times. The funny thing is I tell myself “Mikey you’re going to save such and such amount of money and pay off this bill” but somehow I’m still behind๐Ÿ˜“ it makes me want to turn to weed at times lol all I can say as far as advice (I’m in the same boat so I really shoudn’t be giving any) is keep praying to the big man upstairs and find ways to relax and unwind everyday. Yoga, Meditation, and Exercise can help.keep your head up!

    P.S. I think it’s time to start planning a vacation maybe something like a cruise or even a weekend getaway to clear the senses,

    1. ^i feel like when I paid off those doctor’s bills,
      i screwed myself.
      I had to use my savings to catch up on other bills.
      then mi and her struggle.
      i need more money.
      smh.

      1. It’s ok at least you took care of it right then and there, I tend to wait and procrastinate and end up in a mess. You also need to have a talk with no about what you’re feeling , you shouldn’t have to keep coming out of pocket to make up her portion of money she owes you.

  2. You’re not alone Jamari. I don’t really know what to tell you other than pray and I’ll pray for you too! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ

  3. It’s natural to feel like running escaping. I totally get it. There are times where I come off as a complete and utter asshole simply because I get to a point where I want to give the two fingers and check out. When I get to that point I have to consider what it is that really takes me there, and then I think of ways to fix it. My therapist said that sometimes the brain just takes you there and you have no way of controlling it. What she told me to do in situations like that is to take myself away. Think of what makes me happy and let that thought consume my arena. It helps, not always, but it does help. In your situation you already know what it is that’s taking you there, so the best thing for you to do is write about it, which you’ve done, and then make an action plan for things that you want to see changed and how you would like to go about them. In such a public arena I know you get a lot of advice (mostly unsolicited) thrown at you at once, but take the advice that you find most helpful and apply it to your life. Another thing my therapist told me to do is find a hobby. Right now I’m learning to play the piano. So when things get me down and I start to feel like shit, I pick up my keyboard and play my ass off. Slowly but surely things turn around and I get back to my happy. I really want the same for you man. Not much I can do on this end but comment and pray for you. I hope for a major change/turn around for you!

  4. You know what you need to do is save some money and invest cause it the only way to follow your dream. Speak to your banker.

  5. Jamari you pretty much spoke my life today! I’ve never been so broke in my life until now and school is playing with my financial aid! Being behind on bills is depressing and it’s starting to affect my school work. On top of that I might have a potential Mi situation. One of my best friends from back home wants to move to Atlanta to start his life over and wants to crash at my place until he gets on his feet. And i’m like i can barely feed myself and pay my bills and then have to add you on too!

  6. I hate when you are down Jamari, everything will get better buddy. My advice would be just continue to have faith, talk to your close friends about your issues, try to budget, talk to Mi about you’ll issues, lastly please don’t harm yourself. Hopefully, you can talk to that therapist soon, remember you have us to talk to keep your head up buddy.

  7. @jamari, can i come with u ! i have been t hink the same thing for a minute as well! STay encourage keep love and light surrounded around u! U R bigger than your problems! This Too Shall Past! but im serious though! I dont do the wilderness but being Single w no kids or significant other i could just pack up and go! W all my friend getting married having kids its refreshing to know how FRee I really am! BEst wishes 2 u!

  8. Damn bro, I know how it feels to be in a low place, but trust me it will not last. You have to start telling your cousin to pay all of her half because she is cutting you short.

    1. ^i did and she told me she is trying to get it together.
      she wants summer to be over so she can get her feet off the ground.
      i feel like i’m paying more since she been here.
      its ridiculous.
      we get along now and all,
      but i could have been doing this on my own.

  9. Jamari, sending prayer your way to not only find the strength to handle all this but to persevere to the blessing at the end of the tunnel. as far as finance is concerned,i t just so happened that I was watching the news today where they were talking about two finance assisting sites, youneedabudget.com and mint.com. While I cannot speak on them I thought that I should mention them to you, perhaps that is the reason that I heard about them today. Anyway, like someone else said it’s natural to feel like running away, but you’ve been holding on this long and perhaps one day you will find whatever kept you going and enhance it so you can continue. “In the darkest hour, there is always a way out. There is no reason to exist other than the hope that the next day will bring change. And if it doesnโ€™t, there is always the next.โ€

  10. I can definitely understand Jamari. I’m in the same boat. Currently out of a job and bills are adding up. Plus school starts next week so that will definitely be added stress. I really wish I could just disappear for a couple of months, go to a isolated island, and come back refreshed. We’ll get through man. Just have faith.

  11. Mutual feelings. Just try to find a steady hobby or two, keep negative people and thoughts at bay, and most importantly pray.

  12. I know how it feels to be at a place like that. This summer period has be brutal financially even when you’re trying to be fiscally conservative. Coupled with school, work and life in general, it can really take a toll. But the longest rope has an end. For most of us in a similar situation, it won’t last forever. All we have to do is pray and endure.

  13. This only means your sane, normal, and your in your 20’s. You got it papa. I been thinking the sme way lately and I concluded; we can only do what we can do, the rest is up to test at random, the universe’s will โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜

    1. You need a vacation. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Take the Bolt or Megabits down to DC or Baltimore and hang with Van and me. I promise no sex party that weekend, you will have your own room and we won’t touch you! New York City can be a grind. Sometimes you need to graze in another pasture.

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