How do you grieve someone you weren’t supposed to love?

I knew he was married.

I knew when I saw Hot Rod with PRK,
I felt something was off with him.

what they don’t tell you about being a porn star is…

Some folks aren’t as strong as they seem.

they don’t tell you about is the wear and tear on your body and soul.
they don’t tell you about the drugs to make it more bearable also.
many aren’t actually sex-positive or slut-strutting shame-free.
many are drowning in severe mental health issues.
like the entertainment industry,
you’re fed to the vultures once the porn industry is done with you.
a little Foxie sent me an update about hot rod,
a veteran in black gay porn.
someone spotted him at a train station in new yawk and…

there is light within the darkness if you really look for it.
it’s no secret i’ve expressed that these past few years have broken me.
i feel like i’ve had to be broken into a thoughts pieces to put myself back together.
this time,
i get to do it in my liking and not what others may accept of me.
this morning,
i had a thought about the people who’ve slipped away from my life.
those i was once close to,
or those i hoped to reconnect with,
but it never happened.
a random thought downloaded into my spirit this morning.
i felt the urge to text a good friend what i felt and i wanted to share it here…

for the last couple of days,
i decided to take a sabbatical.
it was a time when a fox has to hibernate to recharge his inner batteries.
i spent it catching up on sleep,
eating greasy food,
jackin’ off,
and watching one of my comfort shows,
sex and the city.
sex and the city was part of my gay awakening as a young fox.
i related with carrie because i was dealing with my own “mr. big” too.
the first wolf who slyly showed me his interest within his uncertain curiosity.
a wolf that if he hit me up today,
i’d drop what i was doing to go another round of uncertain curiosity again.
i’m up to the second season and i realized something…

so as you know,
or didn’t,
but i took a 100 day challenge of shadow work.
every day,
i’d answer 2 questions from various shadow work websites in my journal.
( x this one )
( x this one )
i’m at day 95 and proud of myself that i stuck with it.
what i’ve learned confronting my shadow…

some people love to promote they turn to sex work because its “empowering“.
the reality for many others is:

They heard its a quick way to make money but they get way over their heads and drown by the pressure of their internal conflicts.

OF sex working wolf,
mr exotic,
decided to pour his heart out on twitter.
i refuse to call that x btw.
while all the gays in his comments have their kneepads on with open mouths of comfort,
this is what i observed about the video…