,you ever watch a movie saw exactly when things changed?
the protagonist became the hero or when the antagonist fucked up?
well i think about that sometimes when it comes to life.
my life.
others if i’m paying attention.
the part when things either began or came to an end.
that was me the other night.
the night of the oscars…

now in a perfect world,
i would have been at the oscars.
i may have been sitting in audience.
i would actually have liked to been working it.
jamari fox would have been in the building.
instead,
i was laid out on my bathroom floor.
after vomiting for 5 minutes straight,
i had to climb up on the toilet to release it from the back.
it was bad.
crime scene,
almost.
my stomach was burning every time i threw up.
after that was all done,
i was cold af.
even wearing a sweater and hoody,
i was still freezing.

was i dying?

i know,
i can dramatic af,
but i did ask myself that question.
i spent the rest of the night releasing from both ends and praying for an end.
my health insurance stopped that saturday so i was hesitant to call 911.

doomed

my bawdy ended up giving me a break.
i laid on my couch and eventually fell asleep.
when i woke up,
because i couldn’t not update the foxhole,
i had a lot on my mind.
when you’re sick,
and alone,
it puts things into perspective.
my unemployment hasn’t started yet,
so i’m in between blessings af,
and that added onto how low i been feeling.
i felt lonely.
i don’t have rich friends to send help.
it’s just me.
when i had to find the energy to cook rice,
i felt that loneliness.
i’m tapped to go to the store,
but i’m slowly running out of food.
i gotta put another charge on my credit card as i wait for money.
karaoke and the pretty vixen did blow up my phone,
but i left it in my room while i was passed out on the couch.
usually i’m okay being by myself,
but that night made me particularly sad.

this isn’t a “i need a wolf” entry.
it goes much deeper than that.
i realize i’m not selfish enough with my own needs.
i’m always worried about the next,
but only two checked in when i didn’t respond yesterday.
two noticed i was missing.
i also don’t have the resources to rescue myself.
baller wolves of all kinds aren’t checking for me right now.

“don’t look to sleep with the ceo.
become the ceo.”

so this is not my life.
i’ve hit an emotional rock bottom.
i should not be living like this.
i love when shit like this happens tho.
it wakes me the fuck up to my own shit.

the protagonist has a moment of realization

i don’t even know what chapter this is.

lowkey: it’s funny because the solar eclipse on sunday is supposed to do that.
“the truth will be brought out in our lives”.
ironically,
the day i got sick was the start of it.