i’m outside and it’s cold.
the wind burns my flesh as it blows against my skin.
even with thick fur covering my body,
it still feels like a knife slicing each part of me.
it hurts.
it’s a feeling that can’t be explained,
but i’ve experienced it time and time again.
as i watch the other animals playing beyond the fence,
the coldness comes from the dim feeling of being uninvited.
i’m on the outside.
my fur isn’t shiny nor do i have connections to other forests that are unknown.
all i ever wanted as to feel wanted.
admired.
respected.
loved.
something.
i’m not like everyone else and i’m not for everyone.
life has made that painfully clear at times.
i don’t follow the herd mentality that the other animals fall victim too.
maybe they aren’t victims?
maybe this is just where they want to be and i’m not allowed.
i’m outside and it’s cold.

——-
being on the outside,
while you watch others on the inside,
can feel like being in a cold prison cell.
you’re inside while everyone is out there moving freely without you.
it can be a tough lesson in where you stand amongst your peers.
sometimes it’s out of spite; others it’s no fault of their own.
i wrote on the foxhole ig the other day…

“I started making music as a necessity to survive and to express myself.
And I just wanted to create something so I feel worthy of existing.” – Mariah

truest words ever were spoken.
that feeling on being on the outside sat on my spirit as i listen to her memoirs.
that is how i feel when i write on the foxhole tbh.
i feel i exist for others who feel the same way.
as you probably know,
my whole life…

I’ve always felt different.

in barbados,
my family made me feel like i was worthless compared to others.
i was different from the other boys because i was “the sissy” at school.
picked last in sports and sat alone at lunch.
i went to an all-boys school so i got picked on mercilessly.
when i came to this country,
i was bullied for being a literal alien.
i was jumped and beat up for not being from here.
as i grew up,
i was backstabbed by those i thought had my back.
don’t get me wrong,
i’ve met friends in each of those places,
but i never felt welcomed as a whole.
somewhere along the line,
social media became the new normal.
has anyone noticed but…

Social media can be very abusive?

you watch people you know celebrate others in your networks,
but those people treat you like such an outsider.
they don’t celebrate you as they celebrate others.
you feel the sting when no one shows up for you like they do others.
it’s like a herd of buffalo rushing to be seen in the comments and “likes”.
you tho…
you are felt to feel like a nobody.
i don’t feel that same energy that others get.
is there something wrong with me?

Am I worthless?
Still the sissy?
The literal alien?

you know what i’m learning:

People don’t fuck with things that are rough.
They only want to fuck with you when you’re shiny.

this is especially true on social media.
it’s like one big ass high school.
we attend it with celebs,
ballers wolves,
and politicians.
all the popular kids dress nice,
fuck each other,
and have a voice that instantly goes viral.
everyone is trying to out-do each other,
including the people we know in real life.
sometimes,
the ones we know in real life let us know we aren’t accepted like others.

i’d like to get the same fanfare forsimply existing like others do.
i hope this entry gave others who are on the outside the comfort that they aren’t alone.