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Hey Jamari,

I’m a 24-year-old black male that has yet to have his first kiss, sexual encounter, date or relationship. I am small in size and I notice that I do get a lot of stares from people, whether in class or out in public, but no one approaches me. I feel like I’m a good-looking guy. Whenever I tried to make a move on guys that I found attractive, whom could’ve just been straight all along, they all just ignored my advances, but yet they still stare at me.

What is it about me that’s repulsive?

Am I intimidating, ugly, or just undesirable to them?

I feel like if I don’t meet someone soon, then it’s truly going to be an uphill battle from here on out. Also, how can you tell for sure that a guy is at least bi-curious? I don’t want to waste anymore of my time and energy chasing around straight men.

MY ANSWER…

when i use to go out star fox (God rest his soul),
he would always tell me that other males were staring at me.
i use to say “yeah right” because it always felt like no one ever noticed me.
i remember one night,
we went to this gay spot in the city.
secrets.
he had come to visit from down south and wanted to have fun.
no one looked or hit on me that night at the club.
i stood next to this wolf at the bar:

sean don.
he is fine af in person but he looked right through me.
i always felt invisible and no one tries to talk to me.
when we got back to my crib,
i was so depressed,
  questioned who i was,
and beat myself up.
star fox said to me:

“Jamari,
You do yourself like a mango.
You peel all the layers back,
breaking yourself down,
until you get to the seed and throw yourself away.
Dudes were looking at you tonight,
but you were so fixated on others that you hoped looked at you.”

i’ll never forget those words.
like you,
i’d always say i’m:

Ugly
Repulsive
Soft
Invisible

all the things i was either told by my parents or bullies throughout the years.

these days,
i notice when a male is staring at me.
they stare at me all day,
but the moment i show my interest,
it seems to break the spell.
those types like to do things on their terms rather than mine.
it’s all games and bad decisions.
i want you try something and i’m gonna accept the challenge:

Don’t worry about other dudes,
especially in public settings

if they want to watch me like they watch tv then go right ahead.
if they ain’t trying to talk then it’s wasting our time.

we are giving them too much power and energy that they don’t deserve.
one thing i notice with star fox is even though dudes stared at him,
he would enjoy the moment and move on.
on some occasions,
some would actually pull up.
he came to have a good time regardless if he met someone.
you are 24.
you have plenty of life to meet a dude out here.
i spent my 20s obsessed with finding a wolf and i regret it because it was all a wash.
always remember:

95% of these pineapples ain’t about SHIT

take this time to work on being your own boyfriend.
we can’t give anyone “us” if we don’t even like who we are.
i hope this helped in some way!

love,
jf