I love how ratchet we get and then talk about God.
I love how unhinged we are on here.

so last night,
something so wild happened that i had to share it with The Foxhole.
picture this: i’m sprawled out on my couch,
mid-binge of queen sugar.
i left hanging somewhere in the chaos of the rona.
i figured why not start from the beginning and get lost in that drama again?

Sidebar: something urged me to watch it again.

…but as the first episode rolled on,
my mind wandered back to some therapy revelations from earlier that day.
i was thinking about seeking acceptance and the trauma from my youth.
just when i was deep in my thoughts,
someone i’m cool with hit me up in DMs randomly.
we don’t really talk like that but we respect each other heavy.
he knew Star Fox as well.
so this person went MIA for what felt like forever and randomly hits me up out of the blue last night.
Foxhole…

I couldn’t help but wonder:
Do we cling to comfort because it’s familiar…
or is it the drama that truly keeps us hooked?

This weekend,
I had to hit pause on my straight wolf friend.
He loves to entangle me with stories about his toxic ex.
It’s a a classic case of ‘complain today; fuck her tomorrow.’
He went on about how their ‘comfort sex’ is somehow worth the emotional whiplash,
because even though he is having sex with other vixens that “are addicted to his big dick”,
he hopes they might get back together.
Honestly,
it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Then there’s my straight vixen friend.
We worked at a past job together and around that time.
it was going great and she was extremely happy.
Of course,
there’s that one manager who’s turned her workdays into a living hell.
Despite sending out applications left and right,
she’s been there for over four years.
The job fits like a glove in every other way but that one toxic element is suffocating her.
The thought of starting over somewhere else?
Mentally exhausting.

comfort…

I find being in-between _____ is where the juice is.

it’s where the soul is.
it’s where the passion lies.
this is why people crave to hear about being in-between _______ raw.
stop acting coy and open up.
i had a thought while being in-between ________ last night…

I had to wonder:
Have you ever wondered if our regrets are just roadmaps leading us to where we need to be?

yesterday,
i had a heart-to-heart with karaoke about the ghosts of our past choices.
she’s doing well,
by the way.
anyhoo,
in therapy,
i’ve been wrestling with the regrets of what i tolerated back in the day.
people i should have cussed out or making better decisions.
then,
she dropped a bombshell of wisdom on me,
and i’m going to do my best to capture her words…

I couldn’t help but wonder:
What makes us stay with people who abuse us?

is it money?
sex?
complacency?
it’s so wild to see pictures like the above with the late kim porter and diddy.
all those of us knew or heard bts of the abuse she (and others) allegedly faced.
while reading a transcript from kim porter’s alleged memior,
she described when diddy allegedly knocked her unconscious with a chair...

Have you ever found yourself making a choice in the throes of desperation,
only to later realize it was the wrong one?
After realizing it was the wrong one,
you get desperate again to fix that wrong choice by making another wrong choice.
Welcome: The cycle.

we’ve all been there.
falling into toxic relationships,
taking soul-sucking jobs,
or striving to keep up with the joneses.
desperation.
it’s the puppet master pulling our strings into a dance of regret.
we settle for the first thing we see,
we compromise our desires,
and then we realize we picked wrong and stress to escape.
our closest try to warn us but we don’t listen.
i hear egg on your face does make for a good facial.

all of my life,
i’ve realized that i’ve been desperate and made dumb decisions.
it led me to having an epiphany about desperation,
a true “a-ha” moment…