Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to walk through life with the confidence of a straight, white wolf/vixen?

this morning,
i ( x scrolled through an article ) about gwyneth paltrow’s daughter,
apple martin,
and i blurted out a thought i felt we weren’t supposed to say out loud:

Why can’t I feel entitled like that?

not the kind of entitlement that screams “spoiled brat” or “trust fund menace”,
but moreso a healthy entitlement.
the kind where you know your worth and demand that others treat you accordingly.
naturally,
my mind took a detour into the days i was a hot ‘n’ happen’n pick-me…

I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

I don’t know what next year around this time will look like for me.

maybe i’ll have finally made it.
i’ll be hosting a friends-giving that i could afford to cater.
i would have moved to a new spot where the new yawk skyline is in plain view.
that night,
in-front of that view,
i’ll be on my knees thanking my manz for being so amazing.
the next day,
i’ll be catching all the black friday sales like a pokemon trainer.
either that or i’ll be with karaoke’s family in alabama again.
that is what i really wanted to do this year but i couldn’t afford it.
after all the bullshit of these last two years…

Will the third time be the lucky charm?

this year tho,
it was spent in solitude.
the questions i was asking myself…

How do you grieve someone you weren’t supposed to love?

I knew he was married.

one time,
a teenage Fox was caught in a messy love triangle that wasn’t mine to begin with.

A cheating best friend
A clueless boyfriend I was mutually friends with
The much older wolf down the block that she was fucking

it sounds like the plot of a good soap opera but it was very real.
our friendship had hit a rough patch since she started cheating too.
one truth bomb from me and the boyfriend was so happy i told him but…

Have you ever wondered why we spend so much time trying to be “better” for people who wouldn’t recognize better if it hit them over the head?

for most of my life,
i was a rule-follower.
at work,
with family,
in friendships,
and let’s not even font about looking for a partner.
i bent over backward trying to be the version of “better” everyone claimed they wanted.
they’d say they needed someone dependable,
thoughtful,
or different from all the “bad” they’d experienced before.
like a fool with a savior complex,
i tried to be the answer to their complaints.
here’s what they don’t tell you about following the rules…