Have you ever been told you’re not doing enough for God?

someone hit me with that last night,
and let me font you,
that shit didn’t sit right with me.

WTF does God want me to do?

i go to church,
pray,
and give gratitude for the big and small things.
i could understand if i was out here being evil and karma was out to get me.
believe or not,
i choose kindness over being a feral bitch 98% of the time.
am i supposed to sign some celestial contract in blood?
the wild part is if that was the case,
i’d be living like a king.
it’s moments like this where the whole “God thing” feels…

I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

I had to wonder:
Have you ever just had to curse God out real stink?
Ugh.

yesterday,
i woke up feeling on top of the forest,
with a perfectly curated plan for my week.
by evening,
life threw a curve ball straight to my gut.
naturally,
i did what any rational but slightly unhinged new yawker would do…

I love how ratchet we get and then talk about God.
I love how unhinged we are on here.

so last night,
something so wild happened that i had to share it with The Foxhole.
picture this: i’m sprawled out on my couch,
mid-binge of queen sugar.
i left hanging somewhere in the chaos of the rona.
i figured why not start from the beginning and get lost in that drama again?

Sidebar: something urged me to watch it again.

…but as the first episode rolled on,
my mind wandered back to some therapy revelations from earlier that day.
i was thinking about seeking acceptance and the trauma from my youth.
just when i was deep in my thoughts,
someone i’m cool with hit me up in DMs randomly.
we don’t really talk like that but we respect each other heavy.
he knew Star Fox as well.
so this person went MIA for what felt like forever and randomly hits me up out of the blue last night.
Foxhole…

last week,
i found myself in the midst of a breakup,
feeling utterly disappointed again.
i won’t hold you:

Mandisa’s passing hit me like a ton of bricks,
stirring up a whirlwind of emotions and doubts.

how could someone so loyal…

i was JUST having a discussion with a foxholer about the following.
it was about males who have positive captions but still tryin’ to get fucked.
ya’ll know the types.
their captions are so uplifting while teasing prints and cheeks.
a foxholer sent me a the ig of antwain harley aka @muscledfaith.
he is flexing his faith pretty hard and…

Continue reading “he is showing faith, muscles, butt cheeks, and negro lingerie” →