…and I JUST told someone before this happened I thought he was attractive.
Ugh.
I hate when people ruin their attractiveness with foolishness.

late one night,
while tumbling down a rabbit hole of black historical horrors,
i found myself revisiting the disturbing practice of “buck breaking”.
as you know,
or didn’t,
but it was a vile tactic used during slavery.
it was where male slaves were raped by their masters for dominance and emasculation.

fast forward to today,
comedian jackal,
andrew schultz made headlines for what he wanted to do to kendrick lamar.
after kendrick called him out in “wacced out murals” by saying:

“Don’t let no white comedian talk about no Black woman,
that’s law.”

andrew went full…

How do we measure masculinity in the black community?

Is it in the depth of our voice,
the weight we can lift,
or the quiet battles we fight when no one’s watching?

i’ve been cool with cheaters,
liars,
and even a few abusers who were all straight.
the wild part is…

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to walk through life with the confidence of a straight, white wolf/vixen?

this morning,
i ( x scrolled through an article ) about gwyneth paltrow’s daughter,
apple martin,
and i blurted out a thought i felt we weren’t supposed to say out loud:

Why can’t I feel entitled like that?

not the kind of entitlement that screams “spoiled brat” or “trust fund menace”,
but moreso a healthy entitlement.
the kind where you know your worth and demand that others treat you accordingly.
naturally,
my mind took a detour into the days i was a hot ‘n’ happen’n pick-me…

Panic has a funny way of turning even the smartest among us into complete disasters.

it’s kind of like how those clueless white vixens,
who always run…

when fear takes over,
you’re stuck in fight,
flight,
or freeze mode.

If there’s a fire on your stove,
freezing isn’t exactly a winning strategy.

case in point of what was on my elon swamp timeline….

I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

I don’t know what next year around this time will look like for me.

maybe i’ll have finally made it.
i’ll be hosting a friends-giving that i could afford to cater.
i would have moved to a new spot where the new yawk skyline is in plain view.
that night,
in-front of that view,
i’ll be on my knees thanking my manz for being so amazing.
the next day,
i’ll be catching all the black friday sales like a pokemon trainer.
either that or i’ll be with karaoke’s family in alabama again.
that is what i really wanted to do this year but i couldn’t afford it.
after all the bullshit of these last two years…

Will the third time be the lucky charm?

this year tho,
it was spent in solitude.
the questions i was asking myself…