my rejections require my attention

i was listening to a podcast today from dr. thema.
it’s called “the homecoming podcast with dr. thema“.
she has many topics about self love and care,
but one topic i have been feeling recently is rejection.
nothing hurts the soul more than being rejected.

at the end of the podcast,
she assigned homework.

“What have you learned from the rejections?
What did it teach you about yourself?
What did it teach you about relationships?
What did it teach you about acceptance?”

well…

i learned that my struggles with rejections started with how i grew up.
my parents were from the caribbean and super religious.
that led to something severely toxic.
my mother showed me signs of love,
but it would quickly turn to abuse the moment i did something wrong.
her weapons of choice was the bible and “going to hell“.
my father was barely there so i struggle with abandonment as well.
he was a workaholic that used gifts and toys to show he loved me.
my mother was more hands on in raising me.
one of her tactics would be to take away her love by ghosting.
she would make me beg for her attention through the silent treatment.
it wasn’t until i cried and begged that she would let up.
if i made simple mistakes,
she would make me feel so bad about myself with her forms for punishment.

i’ve realized that my parents were hurt people raising me.
they didn’t truly understand my wants and needs because of how they were raised.
from the stories my mother would tell of her mother,
she abused her and in turn,
she passed it down to me.

Rejections have taught me that I’m yearning for acceptance
Rejections have taught me I’ve put up with abuse to be wanted
Rejections have taught me that I do not love myself at all

i’ve learned that i’m expecting others,
especially males,
to love and accept me.
in my head,
someone will swoop in and show me the love i’ve wanted for myself.
i’ve realized it’s backwards af.
all i’m getting are these “curious and confused” males that are attracted to me.
i’m just a reflection to them.
they see something in me as i see something in them.
so until i fix this,
i’ll be in this constant loop that my parents created.
i have to break this generational curse before it kills me.

low-key: i felt so relieved after writing that.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

13 thoughts on “my rejections require my attention

  1. “in my head,someone will swoop in and show me the love i’ve wanted for myself.”

    You don’t need to be like Cinderella, waiting in a dark, old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set you free. Don’t want you to depend on no one else, I’d rather you rescued yourself.

      1. Hell is dealing with the same guy in a different body and expecting him to treat you like Prince Charming. You’ll have it figured out by 35. (At least I hope we both will!)

  2. Looking for love doesn’t hurt as long as you keep an open heart . Sadly, the Cinderella story does happen for some people…not for me though.

    However, my prince was watching me before I took notice of him and his first interaction was a head nod. Taking me to dinner is pretty much my glass slipper.

    While I do have my “education” my actual experience remains the best teacher.

    Jamari, you and I have some interesting similarities I’ve picked up. The whole mother and father situation, both are Cancers, the attention to detail in posts, ready to defend statements, rejections started with growing up as a child.

    The rejection part really allows me to feel you out as having this seed plant d as a child and it growing into the giant tree that covers your mind with doubt.

    I was just talking to my bff the other day and they were like, “Your growth is amazing. From when we met and how you are now…It I’d amazing.”

    I replied back to.them that We have grown as friends.

    First rejections can be painful if you grew up with it…until some people get used to it, it doesn’t even matter.

    If anything, rejections have usually saved me from getting into something I thought was good but turned out to be a mess.

    I love how my bf playfully “stalked” me. If he was somewhere I was and I didn’t notice him before he did me, he’s send me a text and ask what I was doing and I’d tell him and then he’d say, “I know. I see you.”

    I look up and he’s across the field waving. Folks might think it’s crazy but I thought it was cute. It takes that one person to soften that shell and it’s bound to happen one of these days at any moment.

    As I always say, Walk with confidence at all times. Head held high and everything. People notice.

    While I didnt get the Disney movie setup, I got something much better and realistic.

    I can’t say to much more cause I’m in the bed and…. I’m falling to sleep. 😏

    1. I feel you Jamari,as much as people say “love yourself first” and all that junk, I’ve come to the realization that it’s not realistic for everyone. It’s only realistic for those who have what society wants already, in which case, they would have been fine regardless, because people love them.

      I’m an introvert and very independent so I shouldn’t need any attention to keep my self esteem up, and funnily enough, when it comes to friends and family, that’s true. I can go very long intervals of time before seeing them again and be completely fine, or not really care that much tbh, however…

      when you grow up unnoticed, ignored, forgotten, and picked over, that does something to you. I don’t think it’s possible to love myself fully without having some kind of male attention. We’re humans, we’re supposedly social creatures and need attention, and when we’re devoid of it, it’s unrealistic to ask people to love themselves and have a high self esteem while the world is telling them they aren’t worth of a mate. It’s actaully counter-intuitive and misleading.

      It’s easy for people who have been in relationships before or are currently in one to stand on their high horse and tell everyone else to love themselves and everything will magically sort itself out but I feel like that’s just kind of tone deaf to those whose complete existence has always been a forgotten one or abandoned. That’s just not how it works. It’s not that no one loves them because they have no self esteem, it’s that they acquired a low self esteem because no one loved them. Not to mention that most people in relationships still have low self-esteem anyway sooo…

      There was a point where I loved myself (at least I tried to) but it made no difference. No one cared then, and nobody cares now that my self esteem is in the gutter. No one cares about that shit until they’re already in a relationship with you.. it’s only THEN that it matters…

      People like you (or not) because they like you (or not), that’s it. There’s no magic formula to it. It’s the same reason why attractive fitness people and/or celebrities have thousands of likes for posting themselves drinking coffee while the average Joe may barely get 1 like for posting themselves climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or rescuing a baby from a burning building lol. either you have what people want or you don’t. If you don’t, find out what that is, and get it or take a different path.

      When you have no value in the world, no amount of “positive energy” or “self-love” is going to change that. It may just be that you just haven’t found your groove yet (awkward life phases) or there are some things in your life that need to change and/or develop. Well at least that’s MY experience and the lens I look through these days.

      Please don’t take this as an attack on anyone, I admit, I’m just bitter, I’m sorry for being depressing but I feel like not everyone is going to be able to have the things they want most just because it happens for others or even most around us. There’s no inevitability in finding love. Not everyone can have it/will find it. If you do, great, but what happens if you don’t/can’t? THAT’S the reality I see…

      1. I’m up from my nap and pan frying chicken wings this late….don’t judge me.. 😐 and I discovered this post.

        Youre way too hard on yourself or maybe you are being whimsical?🧐

        I think maybe I’m reading your post wrong.

        I think I’ve shared many times that my self-esteem was at the bare minimum, if not zero for a long time.

        In any case, some of the comments I’ve seen in the Foxhole do come off as “bitter” behind the screen.

        Like I’ve been on here for maybe 4-5 years and I consider myself a vet though I’m not on as often as I used to be. There are people that have been on here way longer than that tho. So sometimes I go back and compare my old comments to how I am today to see how my views have changed.

        The foxhole is interesting to me in a lot of different ways aside from discovering men I’ve never heard of or new news. It kind of turned into my sideways diary because of how I viewed things then and how views things today.

        Things do get better and our lives can change at any moment.

        It wasn’t until Jamari did a post once about StarFox that made me go way back to see some really old posts by myself (and some others) and to kindly look at how things manifest and unfold. As far back as to see names like THE MAN and Mikey-kun being here for 8+ years.

        In any case, things do change, sometimes it’s a week from now, it may be even years from now.
        There are even people who find love in their senior years.

        Anyways, being bitter really does nothing but rots one’s insides until they become miserable, old and hates anything that moves or expresses happiness.

        I believe that there is someone that appreciates others for something. Even if it’s the tiniest little thing or bit of info, some one appreciates it.

        The mean old lady with 10 cats or the creepy old mean guy with an eye patch named Sylvester.

        The one thing that I really hate to agree with but must to a certain degree… There are in fact, people who die without being in a relationship. However, their emotional state when they die varies. Some die content, others die bitter.

        It’s always good to remain positive at all times to the best of your ability. Don’t nobody wanna be around a Negative Nancy or a Jealous Joe. In fact, most folks run from these types, especially positive people.

        Imo it gets dangerous when this becomes your overall outlook because when someone that does fit your criteria come along, that negative stance is sure to run them off.

        They do say misery loves company, so it’s not unheard of for a group of Neggies or Jellies to get together and talk trash about positive people and their progress in this compare and contrast episode of “That Bitch”

        I personally think the worst way to die is alone. I don’t mean relationship wise, I mean dying and no one knows you’re dead. No family, no friends or anything. Being content with who you are makes it a bit better but being bitter makes it 10× worse.

        I call bitter and jealousy emotional cancer.

        I don’t read every comment on the Foxhole but I read a few and recognize some posters plus I know there are gay men in the den that are in fact, in committed relationships and have been for years.

        I’ve seen at least three different ones mention it.

        If I got dumped, I’d be hurt, for maybe a few days. It’s human..after that. I’m off to another venture with an open eye for another man. Not because I didn’t care about him but because I’m way to confident to rest my shoulders on one man. Especially if there a hundreds of thousands of them out there. Stella will be getting the groove back soon. Trust. I’m off to try and see new and different things in life. If I run across an eligible boo, good deal, if not, Oh well. Chances are greater with a positive outlook. Discover new things, meet new people. The more you’re involved in, the broader your relationship resume.

        Either way,I’d rather die content surrounded by a close friend or family member with no man than to die bitter surrounded by 10 cats that will eat me later because ain’t no food left out for them.

        Also, when I was maybe 21 I did part time at a retirement home. A lot of dying seniors or ones heading in that direction was something you’d expect. Some of them you became cool with. I find it rather engrossing the majority of them say they regret not doing everything they wanted and trying new things in life.

      2. ^i can feel this comment as well.
        we share similar thoughts,
        but i try to be optimistic after being rejected.
        there is still a whole forest out here to explore.

        it can feel like you’re the only one going through it,
        but there are many others who are dealing with the same,
        even worse.

        1. You know what else inspires me? The hardships out ancestors went through…

          Ex:

          Anthony P. Crawford was born in January, 1865 and owned by Ben and Rebecca Crawford in Abbeville, South Carolina.

          He walked 14 miles roundtrip to and from school each day and proved to be quite a scholar. When Anthony finished school he was a laborer for Ben Crawford until Thomas Crawford, Anthony’s father, died in 1893 and deeded some land to Anthony, who was the only one of nine siblings able to sign his own name.

          Anthony Crawford was lynched in 1916 in Abbeville, SC by a crowd estimated to be between 200 and 400 blood-thirsty white people. His crime you might ask? Cursing a white man for offering him a low price for the cotton seed he was trying to sell and being too rich for a Negro.

          His ordeal lasted all day. His body was beaten and dragged through town to show other Negroes what would happen to them if they got “insolent.” Finally, he was taken to the county fair grounds and strung up to a tree and riddled with bullets. Although we have heard his body was thrown on someone’s lawn, we have yet to locate his grave.
          …………………………….
          Keep fighting the fight. Stay strong and never let negative and bitter thoughts get to you. Stories like this fuel me all the time.

          It reminds me of how things used to be but Blacks fought for the change else we’d be living under very different circumstances now.

          Though I do admit Blacks have a problem with homosexuality,I will say that we have come a long way since days like that.

          So it is my belief that you really have to keep going, stay positive and keep a peaceful song in your heart.

          Listen to Sam Cooke’s “A Change Is Gonna Come.” The song is old, but it hits hard but also fuels me in a way despite never having to experience it.

          1. lol Jammy, I am far from new from this blog, and used to frequently post a comment almost every day for years as well before I started seeing comments from you, so I’m very familiar with all the names you mentioned and I’m sure my name is nothing new to them either, there’s also: Tajan, Christian, JAY and a few others. If I were to look back at my old comments, it would be like looking at two different people…almost. Life happened along the way and I lost interest in sharing my opinions in general, not just on this site, but in general. I stopped caring, while I still read and love the blog.

            That being said, I know in my heart you’re right, but it’s definitely gotten to me, it’s not just the “love” thing, it’s everything. I feel like I’m in the middle of an existential crisis that I’m struggling to work through lol. I appreciate your kind words, and Jamari i 100% agree, there are people dealing with much worse, those are the people I’m speaking for when I say all that, the people that aren’t noticed who really need to be. It’s kind of not fair to tell them just to stay positive while their life is a living hell. But Jammy is still right, still better to have a positive attitude through the bullshit than let the negative energy consume you whole. It only makes things worse. I guess my point was that it doesn’t change your circumstances, but I guess it’s easier to work through with a healthy mentality.

            Yes, I’m an introvert… I don’t really like being around people too much, like at all, just in small doses, being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t know how to express my opinion…especially when it’s something I’m passionate about… I just find being around people all the time exhausting.

            I always wanted to have someone that I actually want to be around though, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that that might not happen. *shrugs*

  3. Haha. Well, it’s good you’re one of the pioneers. I figured you were but I just couldn’t remember correctly all the names. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I believe something good will come your way. In this instance, at least some else has some extra hope floating out there for you. Doesn’t hurt.

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