i was listening to a podcast today from dr. thema.
it’s called “the homecoming podcast with dr. thema“.
she has many topics about self love and care,
but one topic i have been feeling recently is rejection.
nothing hurts the soul more than being rejected.
at the end of the podcast,
she assigned homework.
“What have you learned from the rejections?
What did it teach you about yourself?
What did it teach you about relationships?
What did it teach you about acceptance?”
i learned that my struggles with rejections started with how i grew up.
my parents were from the caribbean and super religious.
that led to something severely toxic.
my mother showed me signs of love,
but it would quickly turn to abuse the moment i did something wrong.
her weapons of choice was the bible and “going to hell“.
my father was barely there so i struggle with abandonment as well.
he was a workaholic that used gifts and toys to show he loved me.
my mother was more hands on in raising me.
one of her tactics would be to take away her love by ghosting.
she would make me beg for her attention through the silent treatment.
it wasn’t until i cried and begged that she would let up.
if i made simple mistakes,
she would make me feel so bad about myself with her forms for punishment.
i’ve realized that my parents were hurt people raising me.
they didn’t truly understand my wants and needs because of how they were raised.
from the stories my mother would tell of her mother,
she abused her and in turn,
she passed it down to me.
Rejections have taught me that I’m yearning for acceptance
Rejections have taught me I’ve put up with abuse to be wanted
Rejections have taught me that I do not love myself at all
i’ve learned that i’m expecting others,
to love and accept me.
in my head,
someone will swoop in and show me the love i’ve wanted for myself.
i’ve realized it’s backwards af.
all i’m getting are these “curious and confused” males that are attracted to me.
i’m just a reflection to them.
they see something in me as i see something in them.
so until i fix this,
i’ll be in this constant loop that my parents created.
i have to break this generational curse before it kills me.
low-key: i felt so relieved after writing that.