Posted in A LIL TASTE OF JAMARI, CONCRETE FOREST STATE OF MIND, LIVIN' THIS LIFE WE LIVE, SOMETHING OPRAH WOULD TELL YOU

My Focus Is To Suck and Get F*cked As Many Times Before I Grow Old and Die.

   Published Date: August 1, 2012  18 Comments on My Focus Is To Suck and Get F*cked As Many Times Before I Grow Old and Die.

wake up.
stretch.
look at the ceiling.
grab phone.
sign onto jack’d.
look through messages.
none worth replying.
go get breakfast.
eat.
look through ads.
find one.
talk.
clean up crib.
clean up insides.
invite over.
suck.
fuck.
suck.
fuck.
he leaves.
hop on jack’d.
go through profiles.
sign on bgc and a4a.
look through more profiles.
do it some more.
and some more.
go to bed.

is this the life of you?
is your whole world dominated by looking for a wolf/hybrid/or fox?
have you lost control of your priorities?
what do you want to do with your life anyway?
or, are you satisfied being an online socialite?
i started to wonder…

Where is your focus right now?


it seems that there are three types of people in this lifestyle.
ones who are so caught up in trying to find a man,
they can’t function without talking to someone.
then, there are those who are okay with being alone,
but will still jump for the possibility if it arises.
lastly, there are those who just say “fuck you; pay me“.

 foxes/wolves/and hybrids have an issue.
one that plagues this society and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
i, too, use to suffer from it.
but, after losing my job recently and virtually being hungry for a bigger bank account,
i saw where all my issues laid.
that’s right:

getting laid.

sadly, something that could be so good can also be so fucking bad.

it’s funny…
i spent so many years looking for someone who would complete me.
i always thought finding a wolf, it would somehow boost me to be better.
it would make me magically complete all my goals and go after my career.
i was looking for someone to love me, since i didn’t have too much love for myself.

after a healthy dose of self esteem, i said “fuck that”.

then i met him recently…
and i’m semi not putting any effort into it.
he hits me up every day.
he sends me messages to see if i’m okay.
he admitted he speaks to others, but no one stands out like me.
so there should be no issue, right?
wrong.

i have an issue being broke.
he isn’t exactly the type of “wolf” i would be with either.
his lack of focus was what was my lack of focus.
he just happened to be really attracted to me.
he is the right wolf at the wrong time.
he is patient and i appreciate that.

i am not happy with my current life.
unemployment only lasts but so long.
so i am focused on my career (with whatever wolves find themselves hypnotized by me)
i’m focused on working towards a comfortable life.
i can’t live like this anymore.

i often wondered about those foxes who are so focused on the wrong thing,
life passes them by and they realize it is too late.
it is all good to party, get fucked stupid, and do hoodrat shit with our friends…
but why can’t we do that with bread in our wallets?
i love going to nice restaurants and staying in nice hotels.
i love getting on a plane and going to a whole new state.
i love that new rental car smell.
i love vip seating.
i love mingling with people who can teach me something (so i can teach you something).
i want my own town house.… and be able to afford all the luxuries.

running through the hoods and clubs is not my idea of a good time.
i can’t be “that person” who is broke, but having this warped idea of fun.
begging people to buy me drinks, but can’t afford to pay my rent.
like, what?
it doesn’t feel right.
sometimes, you gotta take a break and re-evaluate.
but you gotta ask yourself…

Are you ready?

are you ready to be alone?
are you ready to limit time on the social networks?
are you ready to be frustrated trying to find ways to make money?
are you ready to cry because you have nowhere to go?
are you ready to be secretly envious of your instagram friends?
are you ready to be a man and make shit happen?

yeah, so again…

Are you ready?

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18 thoughts on “My Focus Is To Suck and Get F*cked As Many Times Before I Grow Old and Die.”

  1. We all go through tests, trials, & moments of uncertainty. The best thing for me is having a good support system. I’ve been knocked down a few times, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished – not to dwell on the past, but to remind myself that I can do it.

  2. “i can’t live like this anymore.” It still scares me how alike we are sometimes. I just posted an entry about this very same feeling. i guess we’re all going through it. I’m just tired of the struggle.

    1. ^i’m completely over it.
      i notice that with this current tide of struggle,
      the more outspoken and giving of no fucks i have become.
      i like it.
      i was “nice” for too long.
      nice dun brought me loneliness and struggles.

      but congrats on your big news.
      i was sad to read it,
      but you must do what feels “right”.

      1. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am part of a machince that doesn’t always work in my favor. My troubles aren’t always my doing. That no matter how hard one tries, bad things still happen. Life isn’t a vending machine where you insert niceness, effort, and virture and get back happiness everytime.

        1. ^i’m starting to think everyone feels this way…
          they just have a nice way of hiding it.
          i’ve realized that you have to have a level of patience with life or it will break you.
          some days go real slow and others can go reallly fast.
          it just depends on which road you take.

    2. I read your entry. I’m sure that was a tough decision to make, but I guess you have to follow where ever your heart takes you. I wish you good luck.

      1. Thank you. It made more sense to me than anything else. I realize most people dont know much about it outside of what they see on TV. After talking to enough serviceman I gained a whole new perspective.

    3. That’s a big step, but I wish you the best. I think you’ll do well – at least you don’t have to worry about DADT anymore. I couldn’t do it, so I applaud anyone who chooses to serve *salute*

  3. The funny thing is… I’ve bust my ass off honestly. My grind goes hard to the point where I need an emergency pit stop to repair some gears. I may not be working on everything at one time or doing what everyone else is doing but… I work on my terms… My name is on the business papers… I feed myself and pay my bills… I also look out for my family… And friends when I can. But my motivation everyday is knowing what I’m capable of and the thoughts of my future running through my head daily. I hit rough patches… So what!!! Who doesn’t?! U conquer and move on! And never once do I shut anybody down. If someone ask of me and I’m capable It’s done… Because I know if the tables where turn I would want that loyalty & helping hand. But I’m ranting & venting now so Imma shut up… But my grind won’t stop!!!

  4. Sometimes I feel like it’s me against the world.

    I can relate with THE MAN. If people knew how much I put into my everyday hustle, they would probably have me committed.

    I won’t give up that’s for sure. I come too far just to give up.

    I am my biggest cheerleader but sometimes that can be overwhelming..

    If they hate me now, wait til the future..

    1. ^oh we are the same right now.
      isn’t it depressing and scary?

      also, check my other entry luckey.
      i would love to hear your opinion on it and what i wrote at the bottom.

  5. I feel exactly where you are coming from because I’ve been in some of the positions your in. I’ve made it through this far I might as well be ready for whatever else comes.

  6. Man if no one ever believed a damn thing I wrote believe I needed to hear this.

    I’ve been stressed to the MAX with my career and worrying about the future. Zero sleep, minimal eating during the day followed by binge eating at night, mixed with some very bad coping habits.

    I relapsed in a way today and now instead of sulking about it, I’m going to stay on my grind.

    1. ^ me too JAY.
      this was sort of an entry/vent for me.
      i been so exhausted.
      so scared.
      but still trying because i know it will come.

      i have to start cutting off these “friends” too.
      some of them are useless.

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