“i think i’m a high functioning depressed person…”
at the time when one of my foxholers told me that,
i was in the middle of a “moment”.
you know how they say males only have “moments”?
a few weeks ago.
that was around that time the foxholer hit me with it.
it resonated with me,
but i thought i was commanding this “new day; new me” shit,
so i was in a “happy” state.
well i have to agree with my foxholer because…
my name is jamari fox and i’m a high functioning depressed fox”
i can imagine that “low functioning” means you can’t even get out of bed.
you’re too depressed to work and don’t enjoy anything.
“high functioning” is the opposite in where you can do all those things,
but there is still that depression in the background.
you are depressed af,
but you can still be glamorous or pursuing your goals.
it can work overtime,
but not be in your foreground as “low functioning”.
for the last week,
my life has been off.
i’ve been so sad and trying to hold it together.
i look like i’m okay,
but i’m not.
it’s to the point that i have my phone on permanent “do not disturb”.
i don’t want to talk or even hang out.
i just want to be left alone.
there is a lot that has been happening.
i’m not just depressed for no reason.
the upcoming holidays always makes me “ugh”,
but this year feels different.
this new job is amazing,
and it’s what i was looking for,
but they aren’t paying for my time off.
the first job i ever had that i won’t be getting holiday paid.
that means next wednesday,
and friday will be “off at my own risk”.
i barely have any money and rent/bills/food/survive is on my brain.
most of my friends are in new relationships so they’ve all gone missing.
ask me when last i spoke to karaoke?
i think my life is meant to be a “high functioning depressed fox”.
while in my deep thoughts today,
i was trying to recall a time when i was ever truly happy.
but never a period that i was in pure bliss.
i keep asking God to allow that to happen.
a time when nothing goes wrong and shit just goes smooth.
he hasn’t answered yet.
thanks for reading.
i needed the cry that came from this.