i will forever love aggressive wolves.
there is nothing sexier.
ain’t nothing that pisses me off more than a bitch ass pineapple.
i seem to attract those types,
which makes me wonder what is wrong with me?
katt williams said something that always stuck with me…
“If you 25 years old and you still walkin around talkin bout pineapples aint shit you need to get a handle on yo mutha fuckin life and take some responsibility bitch. What you mean to say is all the pineapples you fuck wit aint shit. You need to figure out what it is about your pussy that keep attractin aint shit pineapples.”
when i looked at my life and who i’ve really wanted to attract,
i have attracted various doppelgangers of myself.
sure they have been my type physically,
but they were very shy and slow to start things.
they always seemed to be intimidated of me in some way.
they wanted to try and get with me,
but something in my aura curved them.
listen i can be passive,
but i don’t want to date it.
i don’t crave to fuck it.
i crave to fuck a wolf who takes control.
putting me in check turns me all the way on.
(now there is varying degrees of putting one in check.
i don’t like that bitchy shady way.
the one you see on #rhoa.
i mean the “you fucked up and i gotta pull you to the side real quick”.)
i have been doing a lot of soul searching these days.
hell years.
people always think this great “coming out the closet” is what helps.
no…
i’m actually happy being discrete and private.
none of the issues stem from my sexuality.
ive been lookin in the mirror and saying to myself:
SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
FIX IT.
i’m very angry.
ive been hurt.
it has made me very very angry and closed off.
its weird tho because i open myself up on this site,
but i keep myself in an emotional prison.
so when things go wrong,
i jump all the way to the left.
i over react and go to the negative heavy.
trust is very hard for me,
but i’m open to doing it again.
i love people and i always want “friends”.
i go hard and i’m very loyal,
but ive always attracted those who want to use me.
now i’m not perfect,
but i’m not a devil either.
i’m just scared and with that,
i have a wall up that chases off potential wolves.
i’m sure my energy says:
DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO ME!
…when in actuality,
i’m trying to say:
PLEASE COME AND LOVE ME!
PLEASE!
if i’m going to be a good fox to my future wolf,
or to any future success i plan to have,
i need to start looking at me.
the outside is great.
i keep myself together.
i have my flaws,
but i’m not a raging beast.
the inside…
that storm of emotions that stirs up past experiences…
its time for it to go.
its time to let the sun shine on the inside so i can feel it.
i don’t feel it.
i’m just “here”.
i exhaled writing this.
that’s a good sign.
“I go hard and I’m very loyal but I always seem to attract those who want to use me.”
That stuck out to me so much because I’ve been there and hell still go thru it. I know I’m passive and the wolfs I fuck can sense it. I don’t some things for a wolf that I haven’t even done for close friends just because I was in to him, and then in the end I’m the one who’s still loney feeling dumb.
With every passing day, what we experience in your writing is growth. Every time that you post nuggets or seeds of wisdom, it shows the growth and the strength that you possess Jamari. It feels good to know that we can be an outlet for you and that we can in turn support you.
^thank you jake.
this site means so much to me and ive noticed the growth amongst everyone on this journey!
oop’s….us
Mr. Fox,
Bless your Heart! There is nothing wrong with you that time will not take care of! You are young, I can remember when I was 17 living in Fairfield, Conn, confused, unsure, but well aware of what the problem was. It was not till I went to New York, for school, that I came into my own. Mr. Fox, if you would rewind all that you have put into your blog, ” the loss of parents, the loss of Star Fox, being completely on your own, it’s a miracle you have not drank a glass of kool-aid!! ( the jim jones kind) Mr. Fox, let life take it’s course, it’s the only thing for use to do. You got this! And when you come out from your cocoon to become that Beautiful Butterfly, you are meant to be, Lord, watch out!!! Fly high baby boy and don’t look back:)
^i can’t wait!!!!!
You just have to go with the flow, be yourself, and relax. If someone wants your attention, you give it to them. Try and appear friendly, and talk to anyone who talks to you. Be watchful of people who seem as if they have ulterior motives tho.
@The Man…100%
I think it shows so much strength and self awareness when you can search yourself and say “I do this and it’s not helping me, so I need to work on changing it”.
Too many people walk around under the delusion that they’re perfect and it’s everyone else.
I’ve NEVER been that way, if anything I’m too hard on myself. I feel like I was blessed with the ability to really search myself for answers in solitude. If anything, I don’t own my strengths enough!
My mother pulls me aside constantly wherever we’re at and says “Do you know how blessed you are? How many people would kills for the qualities and abilities you have? You’re exactly where you need to be right now.”
I’ll admit I’ve had some perfect people interested in me. Guys that have practically begged me to go out with them or just spend time with them. If they seem too good to be true, I usually sabotage it early on because I’m not sure I have what it takes to keep their interest and I’d be crushed if I got rejected.
I don’t even fuck a dude if he seems too nice or if he seems more like relationship material. Only ratchets can ride this ride lol
You are so scared of love Jay lol. You should take the ones beggin for your time. There are the ones that will treat you good.
Eh, some dudes just enjoy the chase. Once you stop swerving them they get bored.
A lot of people are under the impression love has to be a game of chess or red light, green light. A game they have to win.
Notice the emotionally unavailable and sociopaths get, straight and gay alike, get all the play, while the lovesick “I want love” types are posting emo pics on instagram and tweets lol
^ive been the love sick.
now im getting to this point I just want a buddy.
like queen latifah said in “brown sugar”:
“I want the buddy and the booty”
well the pipe lol
^this is such a beautiful comment jay.
you showed your strength in this comment as well.
i hope to get more people who can be honest enough to get emotionally naked as well.
There is truth in his comment. Me personally, I’ve been the Get Mine, Get Yours type for the longest. I’m not relationship material because I’m still too selfish. When I want to be alone, I want to be alone. When I want company, then I find someone available to hang with. I don’t like having to explain myself to someone about where I’m going or who I’m with. That shyt went out when I left my parent’s home. LOL
This says it all for me. LOL
http://youtu.be/7nMiTZ-GqeY
@Jay, hahahaha I hear you man… I agree, ghetto aka ratchet booty is fun they do stuff regular dudes won’t do.