we have come farther than we have years ago.
we can get married now.
the dreams of the white picket fence and the dog are realities.
adopting cubs is even in the forecast as well.
we have central roles in tv and movies that are winning awards.
what a time to be alive!
well the thing is,
as we get farther with laws,
we are also still stuck in the same place we were years ago.
we come out the closet only to feel the same isolation we did when we were in it.
don’t get me wrong,
you are the bees knees when you make your “announcement”.
everyone is on your jock for that minute.
you might even get some tail/pipe off your name.
once that fades,
and the novelty wears off,
it’s back to being in the closet again.
but the closet door is open now.
that has been the cause of more suicides within the community.
“gay loneliness” is what it’s being called.
the pretty vixen sent me an interesting article that made me say…
“i get it.”
remember when we were younger?
it was easier to make friends.
you just walk up to a cub and start making a sandcastle or your love for mud sammiches.
once you see them over and over,
and you both get comfortable,
you lay the foundation to become friends.
it was stress free back then.
in order to make “friends”,
we need to share a high follower count or have the best selfies.
it can be all very superficial.
even with a nice bawdy and the “attentionisto” lifestyle,
that still seems like a lonely existence to me.
it’s a cycle of one upping the next with shirtless selfies and life quotes.
how can you even trust anyone?
everyone seems like they are plotting to fuck on the low.
no one wants to be a genuine friend.
if you hit them up to talk,
they base their interaction with you on your own follower count.
200 and less gets no love
10k might get you a response back
…even tho their quotes make them appear to be so down to earth.
no one is trying to meet each other and go out for coffee.
on a nice summer night,
walk through the city and have an adventure.
bar hopping and laughing the night away.
when you have an issue,
you can hit them up for a vent session.
you can tell them your problems without it being repeated.
in a disagreement,
they put all your business out there on social media.
i do that with my straight folks now,
but they only understand/do so much.
it’s different with a “star fox” (rip).
he would “get it”.
i’d like to meet a male(s) i “get it” with.
that was one of the reasons i was so depressed without ww.
i met him and we formed a friendship.
we crossed lines of “attraction” and “sexuality”,
but it was still a friendship.
he would text me every day and we would talk about any and everything.
it felt good and i’ll admit,
i got jealous when he interacted with vixens.
he also got jealous when i did things and he didn’t go along.
even when i mentioned other males.
now that he is background,
and then i was laid off from the last job,
everything wrong got enhanced.
missing star fox = enhanced
my straight friends lives = enhanced
social media = enhanced
my lack of success/fears/worries = enhanced
i had that itch of suicide,
but i fought the feeling by updating as much as i could.
i feel that is why i was always suicidal tbh.
i have my own past issues,
but the “gay loneliness” is a bitch to deal with.
no amount of “get out the house” or “get some dick” can curb how it feels.
we all want companionship.
we want to be friends with those who look and think like us.
it is so easy to find someone to fuck in this life,
but it’s a “rinse and repeat” cycle.
by the time you get a certain age,
you have over 500+ bodies under your name and nothing to show for it.
you went out and fucked everyone.
is that what the laws were passed for?
is that what everyone is coming out the closet for?
we as a community need to talk about these things more.
we won’t elevate to the next level without these conversations.
the laws mean nothing if we are unhappy and killing ourselves.
i try to be as honest as i can about how i feel on the foxhole.
it helps when someone else comes on and says:
“me too jamari.
i don’t feel like the only one going through it.
the lurkers who roam the foxhole also feel the same.
not to expose anyone,
but even the celebs/baller wolves who lurk go through it.
they have everything,
but end up being the loneliest.
i’m thankful the pretty vixen presented that article to me last night.
it has allowed me to feel more aware today.
i can put a name to the feeling.
i’d like to share it with you as well:
i hope it helps someone(s) have an “a-ha” moment like it did me.
but after the pretty vixen read that article,
she “gets it” now:
there we go.