it is such an interesting topic.
one i know all too well because i’ve been at that dead end.
you think you’re killing yourself will free up the world of “you”.
“you” are the problem.
no one cares about you,
or someone hurt you,
so it’s best you end it all.
they will see your lifeless body,
shed a few tears,
and throw you in the ground.
everyone will move on and that will be that.
it’s a lot more than that.
i started to understand the trail it leaves behind recently…
i’m not dead.
things have been going wrong in my life tho.
i have been feeling like i just can’t get shit right.
i got a few wins by the window and my laptop gettig fixed.
the gas is still off,
but i found a work around to still be able to eat.
toaster ovens are the best inventions ever.
the losses are feel bigger tho.
losing a couple “friends” recently
having to get over and see ww moving on from my life
that doctor’s bill after getting my credit in order
having to look for a job but not having the urge to do so
feeling invisible af to everyone but those close to me
having this sudden weird needy validation to social media
feeling like my life is going nowhere and i’m worthless
to make matters worse,
my website has added onto my stress.
the one place that has become my therapy.
it went from working great to having a ton of issues.
no sharing option
a few steps forward and tumble all the way back down the mountain.so i think to myself when i’m laying in bed at 2am:
“why not kill myself?
who will care?”
in my mild depression,
i started watching a show on netflix called “13 reasons why”.
it was a book brought to the little screen with the help of selena gomez.
it seems she actually reads books.
well it’s about a snow bunny who kills herself and leaves a trail to the reason why through cassettes.
she sends the tapes to the people responsible as to what led her into killing herself.
i’m about to start episode 5 later,
but the show shows how suicide effects others once you are gone.
the ones who were innocent and the others who played a role.
i can see where others would say it’s selfish act.
you leave behind people who actually care about you.
the ones who pretended to care show their true colors eventually,
but the ones who you left a mark in their lives will feel it.
you left a mark in someone’s life if you care to believe it or not.
they will feel that loss when they’re reminded of you.
even if you leave a note,
they will be left here on this earth to figure out the mid fucks of:
and “what did i not do to make you stay?”
i get it.
it’s tough when you have the pills or knife to really think clearly,
but i guess you have to stop and think:
those millions of readers who live vicariously with you
^that is the “selfish” part.
a little part of them will die everyday as well.