My Parents Didn’t Love Me

some parents need to love their children better.
if mine were alive,
i would have told them that exact statement.
it really fucks us up as we develop into adults.
you can’t bribe us with toys and luxuries,
yell at us when we break their order of control,
and somehow think that’s great parenting.
there are levels to producing a quality human.
i was not taught to be one of them.
this was a deep conversation with a family member i had yesterday…

when i was born,
i was the only cub in the family.
shortly after,
one of the “golden family members” had my cousin hybrid.
from that point on,
all the attention shifted to him.
instead of my parents minding their business to raise me,
they got into this competition mode.
i was spoiled with whatever i wanted,
but when i didn’t do what other family members were doing,
i was damn near emotionally abused because of it.

“_____________ is passing his school work!
why aren’t you?
you’re so stupid..”

“___________ is got this award.
why did i get such an idiot?”

“___________ is playing sports.
you not a sissy are you?”

the sentences can go on and on.
i think i’d heard it all.
that was always in my foreground from my mother.
i had no choice but to believe it.
my father was always working.
he would only show up with toys and video games.
my parents didn’t teach me how to be a man.
they never taught me about going to college or saving money.
it was all appearances for them.
i had to teach myself the basics of that.
i don’t even know if i succeeded in doing that.
which is one of the reasons i’ve always felt so suicidal.
i didn’t feel anything about me.
i didn’t love me.
i felt cold about me.
they
made me feel cold about me.
i was just something to dress up and parade around.
i was used as a competitive tool.
i compare myself to others as i was with my family.
i don’t think they ever “loved me”.
they loved “the idea” of me.

at times,
i don’t ever feel “worth it”.
often times,
very invisible.
the worst?
seeking validation from folks who hurt me the most.
i’m getting better at letting go,
but it was hard.
in 2018,
now that i can afford things i like/want,
none of that means anything anymore.
a peace of mind,
learning my worth,
going hard for my dreams,

and being my own cheerleader are better gifts i want to receive.
like a foxholer said in a previous entry,
everything else is white noise.

yeah,
i’m a mess,
but this is what brought this blog to life.
as fun as it is to talk about celebs/pop culture on occasion,
pain is what’s truly inside jamari fox.
i can’t imagine where i’d be without it.
there is more (self) work to do tho.
the more i dig deep,
the stronger i feel.
i won’t be truly successful until then.

 lowkey: i believe this is why i wanted to love and save others.
since i was compared to so many other folks,
i see whats wrong with everyone else but me.
learning to redirect all that towards me now.

12 Comments

  1. TheDarkMagician said:

    I feel this post. There are some people that shouldn’t have children because of how they are personality wise. I believe in past posts you said that you were an only child? It’s also a very hurtful thing to be compared to a sibling. To have parents that play favorites.

    Just take it one day at a time, love. That is all we can do.

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^cousins and strangers children were who i was compared too.
      as sad this will be,
      maybe they shouldn’t had me.
      they clearly weren’t ready.

      February 11, 2018
      Reply
  2. Jamari, I don’t know you and I love you for this blog. What you went through had to be tough. As you heal, make sure to forgive them for the things that they did and the things they didn’t do. Sometimes as humans, we have to be ok with the sorry that we will never get. That forgiveness is for you as it allows you to move forward towards growth and a better life.

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^thank you a.

      you’re right on needing to forgive them.
      i don’t think i have and been holding onto what they did to me.
      they need to be the first on my list for forgiveness.

      February 11, 2018
      Reply
  3. Eric said:

    Jamari, baby you’re speaking to me this morning. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, if you’re parents were here, I honestly think they would apologize to you for emotionally abusing you. My parents were great parents, but they didn’t know how to handle me being a feminine little boy. I was emotionally abused by my parents too, not to the extreme you were, but my Dad use to stare at me always in public or around family and made me act masculine. I won’t write all the things he did, but I understood where he was coming from to a certain extent, but in the process I was damaged. Always making sure my mannerisms were masculine vs feminine really messed me up. On top of that my dad siblings were the same and they were in their 20s and 30s with their own kids always picking with me. They were always judging me and talking about me in the next room when I was around. Some examples was yeah he is going to be gay, he got a little sugar in his tank, yeah his dad needs to put him in sports, I even had one of my uncles send a neighborhood boy to play with me to get me out the house, even though I did play outside. One of my aunts showed me a picture of a shirtless man and a woman in a bikini and asked me which one did I like. I had to be like 8 or 9 and when I said I liked the woman she said good and my other aunts and cousins started laughing. It was shit like that that was done to me as a child that made me who I am today. I’m sorry for the long rant, but I relate to you so much Jamari, I swear you and I would be really great friends if we ever met. Keep your head up Jamari, when you make post like this I understand you even more. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to vent because the Foxhole has saved my life. I been a reader of the foxhole for six years now. Much love to you.

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^OMG how horrible of her to do that!!!!
      family members need to realize that really has an effect on young minds.
      smh.
      i’m glad you were able to pull through e!
      you are cool people and i value your comments on here.
      even if im wrong,
      you still give an objective opinion.
      thank you for presence!
      we will pull through!

      February 11, 2018
      Reply
  4. Louis Philippe said:

    My parents are divorced since i’m like 1yo, and it wasn’t a nice divorce… at all. So one day my mother told me a my sibblings that we were the children of the devil and that my lil sister and my baby brother the children of my step-dad were better because their father is better. She also told me that she would rather see me dead than gay. One could think she hated us. But giving everything she has done for me and my sibblings i know she loves us to death.

    I just learned that sometimes parents fuck up, bad. Sometimes they don’t know how to show their love. Sometimes they just don’t love us the way we wanted them to… but they still love us. So i forgave my mother. I think i did it more for myself, i needed to be at peace.

    I think at the end of the day it was a good thing for me, it helped me to grow thick skin, like what can you say to me that my own mother did’nt already said?

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
  5. Konjureboi71 said:

    “There’s one more thing you better understand. I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture – I can even pat myself on the back when necessary – all so I don’t have to ask anyone for anything. There’s nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect and anyone who can’t give me those two things has no place in my life. ”

    This one of my favorite quotes from Torchsong Trilogy. As a teen of the late 70s and 80s, when this came out, I used to watch this movie every chance I got when it aired on Cinemax back in the day. This has helped me alot especially in my later years. Forgiveness is good, but you have to stop giving people-living and dead- the opportunity to hurt, abuse, misuse, and disrespect you again and again by cutting their toxicity out of your life. And mean it! This is self-preservation. Your life is yours and you don’t owe it to nobody but yourself and the Almighty with whom you share the blessings of your life..especially family who were not there for you like you’ve most definitely been there for. Give all that love and generosity and encouragement to yourself because some people will NEVER appreciate it and will constantly demand and expect more no matter how much you are hurting for the simplest act of loving carefrom them.

    “Give yourself time, Arnold. It gets better… But, Arnold, it never goes away. You can work longer hours, adopt a son, fight with me, whatever… it’ll still be there. But that’s all right, it becomes a part of you, like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eyeglasses. You get used to it. And that’s good. It’s good, because it makes sure you don’t forget.”

    This is my second favorite quote from the movie: don’t forget….it takes time to transmute hard lessons in to bright blessings. Cry as much as need to…cuss as much as you need to…put as much distance and time between you and the pain as you need to: it lingers, it remains, so take your time to slowly learn how to snatch that shit at the edges and peel it back from how it has been covering your heart so you can get to the blessings. “What is remembered, lives” is a saying from the paths I’ve walked. In choosing not to forget is not choosing to give it any more power ithas already had to negatively shape your life, your journey. Choose to love yourself, your life, your positive impact here in the Foxhole, with the love you wanted them to love you with and let your healing continue.

    Your life IS worth living..Don’t give up!

    With love, respect, and blessings….

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
    • mikey kun said:

      Konjureboi71. Let me just say that this comment took the wind out of me. So many truths that I’m trying to understand daily.

      February 11, 2018
      Reply
  6. mikey kun said:

    Jamari I don’t even know what to say to this, I feel like nothing anyone says is going to change how you feel. The first examples that most of us have of love are from our parents not only in their words but their actions. I’m sorry that your parents left you feeling unloved and not valued, what I’ve as i’ve gotten older is parents are human too and they aren’t perfect, it’s not an excuse to emotionally/ physically abuse a child though.

    It’s ok to have wants for your child but you should be loving that child no matter what. I kinda wish they was a test they made parents to be take to determine if they can love a child in certain situations. If your child turned out to be gay, dark, unpretty, big, nerdy, unpopular, dumb, etc can you as a parent still love your child and make sure they know you do. IDK I don’t want anyone going through that kind of pain. They way we are brought up and the emotions we go through have a big effect on us as we get older.

    Jamari even though your parents didn’t show you the love in the way you needed, I feel like you turned out to be a very compassionate individual. You give love and support to the people in you life even when they take it and you for granted, and that right there is amazing. The older we get the more I see that I can be the positive change I want in my life, I can be my own father/mother figure and live my life knowing it’s mine and no ones else’s. I don’t owe people anything or have to do plain my life choices to anyone neither do you Jamari.

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
  7. Konjureboi71 said:

    ..and a another thing! Follow this for Queen O’s advice if you hadn’t seen it already:

    February 11, 2018
    Reply
  8. Deron Williams said:

    we all have that little boy still living inside of us. we have learn to push him to the side and put on the mask of I’m doing fine, but in reality when nobody is looking. we break down and cry.

    February 12, 2018
    Reply

Play nice, stay on topic, and for the love of God: NO SPAM IN THE FOXHOLE!