one of my biggest downfalls,
as i’ve shared a couple times,
is i’ve cared too much.
it came from a place of “lack”.
i would look at others,
and then at my own life,
and see i didn’t “fit in”.
it caused me to ask myself and others countless times:
“Am I doing something wrong?”
everyone looked at me like i was living a good life.
i was too busy investing energy in randoms and strangers to see it…
“lack” and “caring too much” are the deadliest things you can mix together.
you will constantly feel as if you are on the edge.
if someone leaves your life,
it’ll feel like you can’t go on any longer.
if you get fired from a job,
it’ll feel like you won’t get another.
if the wolf you like doesn’t like you back,
it’ll feel like you will be single forever.
i notice when i stop caring,
my vibration is on a high.
it’s easier for me to manifest things i want.
i feel free and relaxed.
when i care,
i’m nervous and full of fear.
my anxiety is all in my stomach and i feel tired af.
i was talking to the pretty vixen last night and she put it all into perspective.
she lives a pretty great life.
a life where she doesn’t put energy into things she can’t control.
she said she use to care before,
but with trials and errors,
she developed a “if it ain’t working/i’ll get a new one” attitude.
from the time i’ve known her,
the only bad thing that has happened to her was bad jobs and her mother’s cancer.
she is making close to 100k in her current job and her mother’s cancer is being taken care of.
she lives in a nice apartment and literally lives the life we all want.
when it comes to wolves,
i notice they all chase or fascinated with her.
she isn’t thirsty,
has confidence in who she is,
and she doesn’t care about how they view her that much.
she puts her energy in being a great girlfriend,
but she has the strength to leave if it isn’t working.
this has caused so many of her exes to come crawling back,
but she ignores their calls and doesn’t entertain future communication.
that is boss status to me.
when you see the wolf of everyone’s dreams gets sent to voicemail.
foxhole…
i’ve card way too deeply about the wrong things.
when i lost my parents,
star fox,
jobs,
wolves,
and “friends”,
it created a “lack” within me.
so it made me hold on tight to everything.
these days,
i’m 50/50.
i want to be 70/20.
i’ll never fully not “care”,
but i want to choose what gets put on my vip care list.
if something or someone goes,
i’ll always remember it will be replaced with something else.
so there is a 2017 “never ending” homework assignment for all of us.
we need to look at the all things we are putting energy into.
if it isn’t giving us positive energy back,
we need to cut it off and keep it moving.
we also have to try and remember if something doesn’t work out,
that is not the last stop.
if you are determined and can always wipe the slate clean,
you will always be introduced to new and better things.
when you really look at it,
the things/others that aren’t in our lives anymore helped rather than harnessed.
i’m working hard on getting rid of such a terrible way to live.
easier said than done,
but it’s better than basing your life for others and everything.
so it takes that first step that won’t come without it’s tests.
I am with you and my i dont give a fuck account not gaining no interest these days. That is our motto. I’m not taking in no negative energy
Hey, I’ve never commented b4. But I must say, your blog has helped me in my own life immensely! I’m not sure if you’re in my head but we seem to be in the same head spaces frequently lol. Being depressed almost 24/7 your blog is a ray of sunshine in my dark and gray life. Not being mushy, but real ish you are amazing. An inspiration for many gay men like myself. I truly thank you for keeping this blog going, even through your own struggles you’ve faced. I know you WILL go far. This post literally just made me re-evaluate my entire life. For 2017, i’m putting myself and my happiness first, not people’s perceptions of me. Thanks Jamari 😊
^b-ri.
It’s comments like this that keep me humbled.
thank you for coming out of the forest to leave such love.
it means a lot that within this small space that i write and share,
someone out there is being healed as well.
that makes me feel so blessed and I’m grateful for everything you wrote.
may you continue to receive peace and your 2017 is the new beginning of tremendous blessings for you!
thank you so much and tons of love your way!!!
It’s weird I have this sensitivity that is looked as a good trait to others but it can be draining AF for me. It causes me to care to much about everything while in the outside world people see me as a caring nice person.
I’m in with this new not giving as much
as a fuck attitude for the new year.
This is some real shit right here to start 2017 off with. Gay men go overboard caring about others because we want acceptance so bad from others who dont give a flying fuck about us. In the past, I have taken on so many others burdens to the point of getting stressed out worrying about how somebody I cared about was going to make it out of a situation. On the last day of 2016 I had a family member ask for a loan, I couldnt spare as much as she wanted but I gave her something. It was not until a couple of days later that I realize, I gave her money on the last day of 2015 when she came to me with a sad story. I am like this Bish has played my ass two years in row. Of course I havent heard from her since and come to think of it barely heard from her in 2016. I have another family member the same way, never hear from her until she is in a crisis and I always help her out. Both of these family members have several cubs and I think I feel guilty because I dont have any children and I never want to see children suffer so I always give in. 2017 the buck is going to have to stop with me. I need to get over being so damn passive/aggressive. I let people runover on me then I get mad at myself or others who have nothing to do with why I am mad. I have gotten better because I am starting to let a lot of things go but I still fall back to my old ways at times, I just wish I could stay at a steady place of not giving a Fuck, I always start out good.
^WORD!!!!!!!
i agree with this 110%
time to be a lot more selfish with our time and energy t!
I’m willing to try it with you! I go through the same things
^i say we start with an hour,
then a days,
then weeks.
we have to start off small first and then gradually increase it.
jumping in after living a certain way for years won’t help.
Ok. It’s going to be hard but we have to stick to it.
^yup!
so take an hour everyday to get into a “i don’t care” place.
if you get past that hour,
try it for another hour.
give yourself breaks if it gets overwhelming!
im determined to try this starting now.