It is amazing what people think about you,
as they see you walk through your daily life.
Some of us are lucky enough to be approachable.
Anyone just walks up to us and starts telling us their life story.
Others are unfortunately unlucky enough to be intimidating.
But, it doesn’t stop the fact that everyone has pre-judged us before we open our mouthes.
What is worst is when people hate you before even knowing you.
Pre-judgements.
But it made me wonder…
Are first impressions really everything?
So I was told that I am really “serious”.
Apparently, that leads into being really intimidating.
I also give “Wolf” and that I don’t even give gay.
I am a question mark.
He is?
Isn’t he?
But, if I came to people and said I had a girlfriend,
people would believe it and not second guess it.
Plus, I dress like I am “rich” and I look real good.
That sort of intimidates people. – Wolf, I met who admitted to my first impression.
… I actually hated hearing all of that.
Before, I was told that being the slightest bit feminine was a crime.
You had to be undetectable in order for you to be lusted after.
So, I started getting more tougher and making my skin a lot thicker.
I started doing what I thought “men” do.
I liked sports and enjoyed playing video games anyway so it was natural.
I just became laid back and did my own thing.
Obviously, that isn’t working.
In 2012, the more feminine you are, the more you get the Wolf of your dreams.
All the Wolves are cuffing my feminine Foxes left and right.
So that means my ass is coming off too straight OR I am giving too much “Wolf“.
To be perfectly honest, they are more detectable than my ass will ever be.
I am starting to feel like if I even do anything remotely feminine to change my circumstances,
it would come off forced and contrived.
It is like as I thought I was going forward,
the world was really going backwards.
Or, am I the one who is really going backwards?
I don’t even know anymore.
This is all so confusing.
I feel like I need to start over.
I fucked up somewhere down the line and need to re-trace all my steps.
Maybe I was too careful?
Maybe I put too much walls up?
Maybe I was not being as free as I needed to be?
Maybe I listened to the wrong people with foolish assumptions?
We all know what Wolves say they really want means NOTHING.
People and their pre-assumptions.
You look in the mirror, see your flaws, and think everyone sees them too.
You think because you like some “dick in the buns” and are still trying to be discreet,
people will also see that too.
But, what you fail to realize is that not everyone can see through that wall you have put up.
They are only seeing what you want them to see.
And with being masculine and discreet, they are actually seeing something other than “gay”.
So what do we in this predicament do now?
We were told that in order to be loved, you needed to be more masculine.
Well, judging by the looks of things, the tables have turned.
Couldn’t I have gotten the fax?
In a world where the trannies rule,
and the feminine are never famished…
It’s funny how we talk about guys being scared to approch and not doing enough to get our attention, but we’re doing the same thing? We see them and we get nervous and don’t say anything. LOL.
That’s where the smiling and saying hello comes in. Or you can search the internet for their online profile and hit them up that way. Lol
I don’t let people see me sweat at all though.
I have a tendency to hold on to what’s familiar, even if it’s negative (people, places, feelings).
I linger on it until I can come up with a satisfactory resolution.
A few months ago I came close to enlisting in the military, but my parents begged me to wait. I just woke up one morning and felt trapped.
They aren’t!
And the staring isn’t either.
That doesn’t tell me you’re interested.
Outside of blatantly telling u their interest, what else is there?
Thing is, that would get my full attention. I love love love a man that’s a little aggressive and able to take charge.
Provided you weren’t a creep and were seemingly attractive.
The thing with me is, I have this extreme fear of rejection…to the point that it has dictated how I’ve led my life thus far. Most people learn to conquer their fears or work around them.
The more I think about it, even the alternative is scary. They don’t reject you, they actually appear interested in you. Now you have to make sure you’re interesting and entertaining. I haven’t been social in years, its been work and school and sleep in my down time.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
Kind of weird for someone that’s an Aries though. Typically, you all like to roam.Travel. Socialize.
Lol. Honestly, I unknowingly flirt. Most times, I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
But I’m quick to let someone know I’m taken when I am. I’m territorial and I like my men to be the same.
How do you unknowingly flirt with someone though? Lol
Random thinks he’s slick, he knows when he’s flirting LOL.
I’m serious! I don’t notice it. To me, I’m just being nice and accommodating.
Lets say you’re a guest and you come to a party a friend of mine is hosting. I’m the type that will ask you if you’d like a drink, make it for you, and smile while doing it. Maybe make a little small talk, look genuinely interested in your conversation, and laugh here and there. To me, that’s just being hospitable and having manners. To others, that’s flirting.
I wish it was that easy to pull dudes. You better be ready to take a punch if you do some shit like that.
I agree with this.
I’m less likely to approach someone that I think doesn’t get down. For me, it’s not so much rejection as it is self-preservation. I don’t want to offend anybody and I don’t want to start a conflict where there doesn’t need to be one.
And great final point as well.
I.
LOVED.
EVERY.
word of this.
Great thinking. Love your thought process.
Especially the first point.
Wow you’ll I know I’ve havent commented in sooo long, but this is good to see coming back. I agree and have learned something from Old Head, Vain, and The Man. Jamari please look at what they wrote, they speak the truth.
I believe they have identified all the factors that go into what Wolves want and do these days and how foxes are honestly intimidating sometimes and afraid of rejection. Myself being a outgoing fox, I have been doing what Vain started doing since I started actively dating dudes at 16 and it works. Speaking and being friendly goes a long way along with a smile, its allows the platform to be opened up for conversation.
I feel that is another factor that plays into being successful in dating in our lifestyle and in life is being about to “Effectively Communicate”. That includes non-verbal and verbal communication. It makes a huge difference and one of the things that has helped me be able to meet, date, and be in a five year realationship with my ex, is because I know to effectively and properly communicate my thoughts in words.
I’ve got you covered Jay.
Hmmm you’re a flirt though. I can already see I’m going to have to grab a few dudes by the collar and let my psychotic side out. Lol
Oh, is that right Man. 😉
I am a every day nigga that just do happens to like other men. I mean I won’t be the one to get clocked as a gay man if you see me in person. I work out, love sports, and I dress like a average joe. I don’t see y I should have to change myself for somthing I’m no I mean I do have a beyonce, lady gaga and Katy perry music collection but that’s it. What kills me is I’m my own type I would like a dude just like me. Apparently so do the other fixes yet they can get someone while I scare other wolves I guess. I’m still going to stick to there is someone out here for me I just have to find them. But can a niga get a hint or a clue please!!! S/N I forgot to add video games hell I just preordered Assassins Creed III yesterday
I feel you I want a dude who is like me too. Yea it would be nice if they gave us more clues, and those head nods aint enough either.
no there not
Masculine men are still in when it comes to this lifestyle, but niggas are just scared and intimidated. I think that men, young men in particular are afraid of rejection. They look at guys and say; ”naw he don’t get down so I’m not going to try to pursue him.” I get looks all the time, but I don’t think niggas know that I get down because I’m manly and I have a humble personality as I’ve said before. Some of them look like they want to say something to me so bad, but they don’t act on it. People are thinking too much when it comes to this lifestyle. You can’t look at somebody and tell that they’re gay all the time,it goes deeper than that. You have to watch their surrondings and how much they talk about females, sometimes that doesn’t even mean anything but it’s a start. The point I’m making is, men settle for the fem. dudes because they can’t get the men they really want. In other words, they settle for less because they think less is more. If they lower their standards, they will get more men and more sex, that’s what it’s all about.
@The Man: Could not agree with you more, my brother. I think you nailed it.
I think it’s offensive to assume men settle for fems because some in fact do prefer feminine dudes but they will openly let you know it.
There’s really no reason for a man to lie about wanting a masculine dude. They may be misguided as to what having a masculine man entails or what masculinity is to begin with.
In any event, I haven’t played videogames since PS2 came out and I don’t really keep up with sports and I’m still masculine.
It’s not offensive. Jay, you have to understand that some men are in this lifestyle just because they like sex with other men. Everybody is not looking for love. When masculine men become harder to get, they will settle for less because they know that getting sex will be easier. Yes some men do prefer fem. over masc., but they’re some men who get tired of the challenge of getting another masc. man.
i totaly agree with you on this but dont it feel like if another brother aproach you in the open we feel like he doin way to much or is it just me?
I’m real gangsta wit it.
I just roll up on em, smack em on the ass real hard and say “When you gonna let me put my name on it?…Both cheeks!
Works every time!
…Then I snap out of my daydream. LMAO!
Maybe its a location thing, because I don’t see a lot of feminine dudes getting snatched up, and the few that I have seen have boyfriends that looks fem to me too.
Like I’ve said before I see tons of gay dudes where I work and the most common couple I see are two pretty boys who may look like friends but upon closer inspection the energy between them is romantic. I’ve never seen the super masculine dude and the feminine dude couple many of you speak of.
Vain is right though, very few of them are our age. When I go to happy hour at a popular restaurant I’m way more likely to see fox cliques than anyone on a date.
I don’t know you personally Vain, so it may have been, although I doubt it.
He had a really traditional way of thinking. Old southern (despite him being in his twenties).
So his idea of a good relationship was me catering to his every need.Being super submissive. That’s not even my personality, so it’s no surprise it didn’t work.
@Random, UrSoVain and everybody: I’m not sure who it was a ways back in this comment thread who made the statement that foxes have, out of necessity, evolved into the best actors. As I reflect on all the comments, it occurs to me that it’s the wolves who might be the best actors. Consider this. If the wolves you’re meeting really want you to be submissive behind closed doors, I’m thinking there are definitely insecurity issues at play.
I maintain that the wolves who tell me they are making exceptions for me when they allow me to plow into them — and some of them are able to accommodate me more easily than foxes — I’m certain they are lying and have done it before and are fronting.
Anecdote 2: at a medical facility where I once worked, a white nurse was having a difficult time with a brother (very thuggish who had recently been released from prison) who was presenting with rectal gonorrhea symptoms and was on the verge of striking her. She kept talking about gay sex and the brother was going ballistic. I was summoned to assist. I had her leave the room and sat down to engage the brother. I immediately sought to calm him and develop rapport. Told him to not worry about her stuff. I never mentioned the word gay or the word sex. Once I had calmed him, I said to him, “So bruh, tell me do you ever let a nigga go up in you?” Without hesitation, he responded, “Yeah man, that’s how I make my money.” We were then able to provide him with the treatment he required to cure his infection, and I talked to him about the importance of protecting himself. I also got him to accept some other screenings.
Anecdote 3: I in bed with a fox, plowing him for points, when he asked if was alright if he felt me on my ass. I was initially dumb founded but said, “Sure, man. We’re in bed together. I’m feeling on you. I’m even inside you. Why shouldn’t you be able to feel on me?” His response was that other guys would not allow him to feel them on their butts. I later reflected on that. Maybe, it’s just me, but I’m very touchy feely. My hands are going to be all over a brother and I like him feeling all on me. I, also, think the butt is an erogenous zone whether or not you get fucked. Maybe, I;m wrong. Maybe, it’s not erogenous for some, but my theory is that certain wolves who don’t allow it are afraid that allowing a brother to grab their asses, even while they are doing the fucking, might give the impression that they like it and that might lead to the foxes or hybrids pushing the envelope a tad, which is the reason I mentioned earlier that it’s the wolves who may be the best actors.
Yes, I do believe some people are exclusive one way or the other. But, just like there is a spectrum of sexuality, with one end being homosexual and the other being heterosexual, and gradations along the spectrum, I think chemistry between two individuals, despite what they label themselves, determines what happens behind closed doors. I meet too many tops to think otherwise. I’m just sayin’….
I think so.
I think for some of us, growing up and being told we’re not quite a “boy” because we like boys has a negative effect.
For some of us, we shrug it off and go on about our business.
For others, they seek the validation in other aspects of their lives (hypermasculinity, the need to be dominant in a relationship, “super tops”, etc.)
I both agree and disagree.
Many of the wolves I know who have been in long term relationships (4-5+ years) started in their 20s. A wolf friend of mine is 28 and has been with his boyfriend for the past 5 years.
I think by 30, the wolves who weren’t really preoccupied with settling down or weren’t relationship material in their 20s realize they’re not as hot as they used to be and look to settle down in their 30s. But those who always have been, it doesn’t matter if they’re 20, 30, 40, etc. Those are the type of wolves we ultimately want.
As far as pursuing men, I’ve learned the exact opposite. A man likes being pursued, but he doesn’t like being hunted. After you display that first initial interest, any pursuit you have of a man should be carefully thought out. Wolves like to hunt. They like the idea of going after something they want and locking it down. The problem most of us have is that we don’t really understand the cat and mouse game and we don’t understand when’s the perfect time to left ourselves be caught.
That said, I partly do agree with everything you said. So, it’s a bit of a contradiction on my end. I’d say what you said is more of my old way of thinking whereas mine is where my head is currently.
IMO, hook up sites are the wrong move, entirely. I’ll always hold on to that belief, lol.
I’ve yet to meet wolf in my age bracket who’s in a committed relationship or at least looking for one. It isn’t until I talk to those in the 30+ range that hear the words ‘settle down.’ Mostly because they are over the club scene and their looks are fading as the new wolves come into play. Majority of the 20 something wolves I come across are in their ‘whore’ phase and sleeping with as many foxes as they can. I think waiting for a man you are are attracted to to actively pursue you is the old way of thinking to me lol.
And when it comes to pursuit I agree that many of them like THE CHASE but not necessarily because they want to settle down. Expressing interest is basically what I meant by creating your own circumstances but there also needs to be room for taking the imitative. I’m not saying pick him up and pay for the date because that’s emasculating but to at the very least make the firs step in getting to know someone. This idea that smiling at him and sayin hello is what it takes to get a wolf to pursue, in my experience, is mot enough. Not when they have no many options or when they often don’t feel like putting for the effort since they don’t know if ur worth it. But I will agree that as the mouse, your way about going about things to get the man your interested in should be different and the time frame that it takes is actually a lot longer than we think.
When it comes to hook up sites, unless one is smiling, head nodding, and subsequently approaching men on the street, there are very few alternatives other than clubs, bars, and parties to meet wolves. A large number of them utilize these apps because it’s easier. So I say meet them where they’re at but keep conversation away from sex.
I understand this dilemma 100%. A few years ago I had to tear the walls down and reintroduce myself to the world! I was a product of my environment, and had become quite hood. I wasn’t clockable, and I thought thats what boys liked, and i kept being the “secret”, or the “friend”, or “homeboy”, even “cousin”! I’m what I’m out world is considered a butch queen… I give boy all day.. But, I also like to laugh and have fun, be playful, dance, and just be free!! I say this to say a lot of the things that I used to do were just defense mechanisms because I had to be that way for my environment.. But when life changed so did I. Gays are the best actors ever because most of us have had to do it from childhood… And we get so good at it that some times we begin to believe our own fairy tales…..
I agree with this.
Believe it or not, times have changed and you’re pretty rare.
I’m assuming, just based off of your name alone, that you’re of the more mature corner of this community.
Needless to say, you’re different.
Men these days (wolves in particular) will say they want a masculine man, but the truth is, they only want someone relatively masculine (provided they want a masculine man at all). Reason being, they want to “feel” like the man of the relationship. They feel because they deliver the dick, that they should also dominate the relationship.
Dealing with my ex taught me that. He would say all day how he wanted a masculine fox and that I was perfect because I was a “boy”. But he hated when I didn’t need him for things. He liked me stroking his ego and he absolutely hated any suggestion of me wolfing him. Unbeknownst to him, because I was the more foxy one in the relationship, in his mind, he had placed me in a more “feminine” role and because of that, he expected certain things.
For him it meant, in public be a boy.
At home, be my girl.
Needless to say, I couldn’t get with that.
Wow, thanks for the insight, Random. I wonder if that suggests some insecurity on the part of some wolves.
Interesting Random. That’s somewhat of the relationship I’m looking for where the wolf takes the lead. But I do agree, wolves like olOld head are definitely in the minority. Wolves want someone who is soft who is somewhat masculine Looking and acting but is submissive and doesn’t challenge their manhood.
Funny you say that… A wolf that I really liked, and he clearly liked me, told me we could get down of I didn’t “think” I was a boy! I was pissed, and insulted, and need less to say instantly lost all attraction to him!
It’s a crazy world out here.
I know that’s right Random, I want my man to be a man in the streets and the sheets.
I have no desire to dominate a relationship, but of course I want a say. I know nothing about relationships and feelings and shit so the one I’m with would most likely take the lead…at least at the beginning.
I no longer kuumba ya about being yourself and waiting for it to happen since sooner or later someone will see how great you are with their x-ray vision and approach. That is NOT how this works for us. What I think is an important question to ask is are these more feminine foxes getting the type of men YOU would date? It’s one thing to have a man, it’s another to have a man you WANT. Wolves like the IDEA of masculinity but it is not soley what they’re after. Many of them aren’t looking to cuff anyone at all. Not until their mid to late 30s at least. It’s cute how they will sit here and talk about how they’re simple guys looking for the same and yet when they meet them, they hold back, don’t engage too much, and remain distant and unavailable.
What I’ve learned is that YOU have to create the circumstances to meet wolves you want. YOU have to send him a message, approach him, exchange numbers and hit HIM up saying how you’d like to get together. Men who are interested will follow through. If not, wash-rinse-repeat. It isn’t necessarily how feminine you are that makes the difference (most of the time), it’s how active you are in meeting men you may be interested in. If they are terrified of approaching it makes no sense to wait for them to do so because they will always pick the low hanging fruit who went out of their way to make their interest known.
My suggestion is, if ur still on apps like jack’d or grindr, or A4A… Message wolves u think are attractive and ask them all the things that are on your mInd about what they’re looking for and what they tend tO choose (if they choose at all). You’ll be surprised by their responses.
Correct my brotha.
Vain I see you learning;-) . So have you seen any results since you changed your approach?
Ronnie, I have actually! I’m meeting a lot more men then i used to. Not necessarily relationship material but I do have more options. I’m learning to be more upfront with what I want so I’m not afraid to say things like ‘I’d like to see you again’ like I was before for fear of scaring them off. I’ve learned that wolves who don’t want to comittmemt will let it be known in their actions through pulling back and fading out. I’ve been in a bit of a Todd with one of my friends who feels as though I don’t communicate my expectations enough to wolves (who are used to dealing whore foxes who dont ask too much of them and keep conversation and interaction light) so I’m working on that as well
I’m having the same issue.
It was really starting to frustrate me because I knew at the end of the day, it wasn’t something I could change.I’ve been told countless times by friends that I need to put myself out there more, “They don’t even know you’re gay and the ones that do assume you’re a wolf.”
I realized this was especially true just yesterday when I kept getting hit on throughout the day by straight women. I’ve been hit on before, but yesterday, I really took note.
I thought about trying to change, but again like you, I knew it would be forced.
That’s when I decided to just be ME.
The wolf of my dreams will love everything about me. I could step out as plain as day and the wolf (or hybrid *wink) of my dreams would instantly take note.
Why nab a wolf being someone I’m not? At some point, the jig will be up.
I’m no roughneck, but I am a boy and I like boy things.
The man of my dreams will fall in love with WHO I am and not with who he’d like me to be.
Way to go, Random. Just be yourself.
I don’t know, Jamari. Maybe, it’s the way it is in your neck of the woods. Speaking for myself, I am sexually attracted to masculine brothers. I feel nothing, sexually, for femininity. I am speaking just about sexual attraction. I have friends who span the spectrum of masculinity to femininity and will not shun soft guys in public. I’ve marched down the National Mall to defend the rights of all LGBT people and have even employed transgenders. But, sexually, the more masculine the brother, the more I’m stimulated. My advice to you is to simply chill and always be yourself. If you don’t put too much thought into it, you’ll connect with people who are into the real you. And, if you ultimately want a serious relationship, he’s eventually going to see the real you sooner or later anyway. Oh, and when you encounter people, don’t be afraid to speak or just nod; and, give a little smile. But, by all means, just be yourself. Trust me, it works:).