What’s up Jamari!
I first just want to tell you how much I love your blog. Keep up the great work!
I am writing you because I need your advice and I value your opinion.
I am a 25 year old shy, very private gay black man. Within the past 2 years I came to terms with my sexuality personally. I’m not out as of yet, but assumptions have been made my entire life at least since I was like 7 or 8 ( that is the earliest I remember being called names, given weird looks, and being made fun of). I knew I was just different from my brothers. I didn’t know what it was at that young age but I felt and knew I was different. Everywhere I go my sexuality is always a topic of interest whether it’s a a job, school, amongst professors, friends, and people I don’t know. It annoys me b/c I am so much more than my sexuality. I am truly a great person.
I’ve always been asked where is my girlfriend and had people pick and pry into my private life which I hate! I am a private person. Other questions I’ve been asked were Do I like girls? Are you celibate? Do my roommate talk to girls? Why am I so quiet? (The person said I must be gay because never have anything to say LOL smh) Do I treat girls when I take them out to dinner? And that is just a few. Yeah ridiculous! But all of those questions come from those people who have made fun of me and etc.
I call those questions test. Depending on how I answer the person asking the ? would make their assumptions about me.
A bunch of indirect ?s seeking a direct answer. ( direct answer meaning YES I am gay)
I don’t have anyone to confide in b/c I have trust issues. I truly believe there are more Curious people than Caring. Letting people in makes me vulnerable and scares me. They can take what I reveal and use it against me if they want.
My relationship with my parents is cool but never had that close mother/son or father/son bond with them. I don’t really have a close relationship with my siblings to the point where I would openly talk about my feelings and problems. We get along and I enjoy their company but we never have heart to hearts. I don’t trust them like that b/c a lot of my suffering started at home with them and if I piss them off they are quick to press my buttons especially the one I’m writing about now.
I have friend in California who I talk to on occasions. We have been cool for years. I remember him trying to hook me up several times with girls he know and girls we went to high school with but deep down I was not trying to talk to those chicks. I think he knows. We had a conversation one night about how he don’t understand the lifestyle but also don’t care if someone close to him was gay. (His sister is gay). I felt at that moment that what he was saying was directed towards me. I was too afraid to speak up to tell him.
Currently my other friend and I have been hanging out. He stays with his girlfriend who is cool as well. I thought about telling them too but my friend is religious and he and his girlfriend have spoken negatively about homosexuality. They are cool people but very closed minded.
I know once people start to find out or I guess once I confirm what others have been thinking all along a lot is going to change. Personally I don’t think I could be cool with folks who would talk bad about me the way my friends talk about other gay people either on TV or who we see in person.
At this point everything in my life has come to a standstill and the only thing that continues to come up is my sexuality or that’s the only thing that stands out b/c its fresh on my mind. Maybe it’s a sign? IDK
My question is,
What do you think I should do?