If It’s Broke, Well Then Cum Fix It
his deep voice blared through my iPhone speaker.
“i’m in trouble.” i said, trying not to sound overly dramatic.
i tend to do that.
“yo whats wrong?
who fuckin’ with you?”
you need to come over to your crib?”
i loved when he talked to me like that.
ready to fuck someone up for me on command.
this time this is my fault and i needed his help…
we met a year ago while i was interning at Crome Public Relations.
my original major was journalism,
but i got introduced to public relations by a friend in the industry.
i liked the idea of solving celebrities issues and promoting them to the world.
of course when i got the internship,
it wasn’t as glamorous.
i was fetching coffee and being a slave to a bunch of whiny anorexic white girls,
whose job was to really sleep with the actors they represented.
and benefits including dental.
what more could they ask for?
so one night,
in the early fall,
i got assigned the job of working the door at a charity event.
it was “save the african children from deadly mosquitoes” or some shit.
of course they would assign me the duty of working a black event.
i didn’t mind because it got me out the house and judging from the guest list,
a lot of prominent african american actors were gonna be there.
you ever saw someone who just glowed?
not from extremely oily skin in the summer,
but that “im someone” glow.
well he did.
i could not stop staring at his 6’0 muscular frame after he got out that black navi.
i’ve seen him on tv plenty of times,
but that didn’t do him any justice.
he looked like a force of nature wrapped up in brown skin.
his name was derrick lampton,
the new “it” 21 year old rookie quarter back for the ny giants.
originally from brooklyn,
he attended college down south in georgia.
he was the all american dream in the black flesh.
our new york hometown hero.
he ended up being drafted right out of college because he was just that good.
i’ve lurked his instagram,
right clicked all his shirtless shots,
and had a few nasty dreams about him.
don’t act like you never did that about anyone on instagram.
its this new decade’s “playgirl” and that whats it there for.
now he was about five feet away from me,
talking to reporters,
and being his usual charismatic self.
“god i’m going to fuck his brains out tonight.”
that was my supervisor jasmine.
exxxotical breed and part time street walker.
this chick had more athlete sausage in her than wonder bread.
she wasn’t ugly at all.
she was actually gorgeous.
if i liked pussy,
i’d take a swim.
with about 2 condoms on and a latex body suit tho.
i was positive she was going to fuck him tonight and tell the office tomorrow.
they all do about their conquests.
she was trying to go further and be the next internet star.
like tila vodka kardashian or whatever that chick’s name is.
as the night progressed,
she moved me over to the gift bag table.
i wanted to sneak one out before i leave.
they were giving away the new beats by dre headphones and other goodies.
i’d be stupid if i didn’t.
as i’m standing there,
plotting the great beats by dre escape,
he walked up and introduced himself.
“hey!” he said, immediately staring deep into my brown eyes.
i was pretty startled and couldn’t feel my legs.
“hi!” in a very high pitched voice.
similar to how it would sound if my balls were in a vice grip.
“the bags look good.
i could not stop staring at his perfect white teeth.
his pimple free skin also caught my attention as hell.
was this man a waking photo shop?
plus he is molesting me with what cologne he is wearing.
okay who am i fooling?
i could see his pecs sitting up in his white dress shirt.
although i was hard as hell,
he also made me feel insecure.
he was the definition of a fine ass man.
someone i’ve jacked off to on more than one occasion.
sexy and confident in every way.
i’m just me.
and i have a cute zit on my cheek.
ive been told i was sexy,
but i never really believed it.
“so how long you been doing this?” he asked.
“i’ve been working for this company for a couple months.”
“oh yeah how you like it?”
“its cool, ya know?
working hard for that piece of change.
well, its free work,
but hopefully it progresses to something..
like a job or something ya know?
so did you know you played ball?
i mean you should,
okay stop your lips from moving jamari.
be suave or a good imitation of it.
even though i was babbling like an idiot,
i couldn’t believe i was actually having a conversation with him.
he didn’t even give me look of an idiot.
“haha you a pretty funny dude,
you know what?”
he’s actually interested in what i have to say.
before i could respond,
the devil appeared.
“um hi-e!” jasmine said, walking up all smiles to the table.
its almost like he didn’t even give a fuck about her,
but this hoe was persistent.
ive seen her in action.
if she was a eagle,
she would been swooped in and flew away with his ass.
whatever we had going on was broken by her destructive ass.
i wanted to smack her,
but she had a pussy and more than likely,
he was straight so…
“here is my card.
do you have one?”
…or maybe not?
i must have held the record for fastest business card exchange in one blink.
“whats your name?”
“well nice to meet you jamari.
hit me up.”
i was doing the running man and every cheesy 90s dance.
as he was walking off,
jasmine walked up next to him.
tossing her hair and looking like her panties were on rinse.
i guess she got her wish because a little while later,
he left with her.
i’m not happy at all.
this means i have to clean up all by myself.
as i was sitting on my bed later,
reading the instructions to my new beats by dre,
my phone vibrated.
“it was a pleasure meeting you tonight jamari!”
it couldn’t be him?
i exchanged cards with a few other people at the event.
“thanks and same as you… who am i speaking to?” i responded.
i stood up off the bed.
how do i reply?
“i didn’t get a gift bag btw.” he replied.
i’m sure one was in jasmine’s pussy.
that’s what i wanted to say.
“oh i apologize we ran out pretty quick.”
“well u owe me then.”
what is happening right now?
whatever it is,
i’m going with it.
“is that so?”
is that code for:
“you. me. naked. breakfast in the morning.”
“you were cool as hell.
id like to see more of you.”
i pinched myself to see if i was dreaming.
so i went bold on his ass.
i mean, why not, right?
worst comes to worst,
i look like an idiot and he rips up my card.
“thanks how about we meet tonight?”
i stared at the screen.
it took me five whole minutes to send it.
now i usually don’t hoe around,
and i rarely do one night stands,
but if i think what i think this is,
i had to have him.
even if for just one night,
i wanted to live out my instagram fantasy.
to be blunt: i wanted him to fuck the shit out of me.
well not “shit” exactly,
but you get the idea.
well he didn’t respond as quick as before.
so much for bold moves.
“aight where you stay?”
he said he would have his driver pick me up in an hour.
i was already in my closet.
insert clever joke here.
i needed to hop in the shower to get prepared for whatever was gonna happen tonight.
hopefully it was with his dick in my mouth.
don’t judge me.
shit like this never happens to me,
but maybe god finally gave me a sign?
the reign of blessings started to cum down and the first was my pants?
all this time i thought he would be deep up in jasmine.
i was trying not to think about it and contemplated ear plugs for the details tomorrow.
clearly he wasn’t,
but what if i’m wrong?
what if I’m misinterpreting this?
what if i’m about to clean myself out for nothing?
suddenly i felt overwhelmed with doubt.
ive gotten excited and been disappointed by these kinds of dudes before.
like the time i “thought” and it ended up with me sitting in the living room alone,
listening to my homegirl getting her guts reorganized.
i vowed never to let that happen again.
i took a shower and put on one of my best outfits.
black t shirt,
and some black timbz.
i sprayed Burberry Touch on my pulse points for good measure.
suddenly i didn’t even feel like going.
shit i wasted my cologne.
i imagined jasmine’s face,
with devil horns on her head,
getting fucked doggy style by derrick.
this dick is so good!
fuck me harder!
get my phone so i can leak this to vine later.
a bitch is about to be a star.”
they both had these evil smirks on their faces as they both looked at me,
him from behind pulling on her virgin malaysian remy.
i also imagined me taking a machete and cutting both their heads off.
i have an active imagination.
my phone interrupted me as i imagined holding her head by her hair.
this is mason,
your driver for mister lampton.
its now or never…
TO BE CONTINUED FOLKS!
Written By Jamari Fox
(C) 12.18.13 9:05pm